Petz, Interesting letter in the uinquirer Hermits cave.
A letter to the Attorney General.
Your Honor, the Attorney General,
Yesterday I accepted the greatest promotional offer I ever saw - to install brand-new XP Home Manager System in my house for a half price. Wow!!! Who can resist a tempting offer of too cheap and too good products? Not me! Judge for yourself - this magnificent offer included an amazing door lock, with an image recognition system that unlocks the door when I approach it, talking XP security control for windows, a unique XP refrigerator with automated online ordering capabilities based on a product smell analyzer, XP computerized auto-cooking stoves, XP remote-control of water and electrical supplies, and XP radio and XP TV sets. In the morning a very nice XP-technician with a lovely sounding, probably foreign name - MikiSicky came to me. He easily installed those beautiful pieces of high tech wastes and gave me a strong verbal warranty that from now on, no unwanted guests could penetrate my house. So, I went for a happy celebration of the lucrative XP purchased in the famous restaurant "Chinese Times Square of French Sushi". By afternoon of the same day, when I came back, I was genuinely surprised to see that my house was totally cleaned out. Everything had disappeared, including my antique furniture and even my new 1000 lbs. stainless fireproof safe. Although I did not expect to see completely emptied rooms, but of all the XP stuff was there and in excellent working condition, because it showed a message: "No unauthorized access was detected". Cleaners left a pleasant note on the wall - "Thank you for using the XP Home Manager System". It made me very proud of my XP purchase, however, for 25 years since I had an ordinary mechanical lock - nobody cleaned out my house without my permission.
On my question: "Why it happened?" - MikiSicky responded that I misunderstood his statement - "no unwanted guests can penetrate into my house". To Indeed, under the term "unwanted guests" he meant unwanted cats and dogs. My doubts about non-invited bad humans was winded out when he explained me that I should not worry about it because by a new government law - human to human is a true friend and as a 100% proof to this statement - he swore on my XP system manual. Only unwanted cats and dogs, from his words, can tremendously hurt my house. Even though I never heard about it, I agreed.
How could I imagine that a guy who fraudulently was ordering sausages from my XP refrigerator when I was not at home - in reality, was a hacker's dog? I did not understand how an XP door can recognize the dog as me, but it is definitely not the guest that I want to see. MikiSicky calmed me down by the news that donkeys surely cannot penetrate into my house. Because by nature - a donkey is slightly different from me and, therefore, should not be as smart as dogs. Thus, it is 100% guaranteed that an XP door probably, for sure, will stop a donkey and promised me a new XP security upgrade against dogs.
This tremendously helped me to stop visits of the hacker's dog, but only for one day. The hacker's dog was so upset, that the same day it had complained to the hacker about it, and the hacker sent me an angry e-mail where he blamed me for cruelly abusing animal's freedom of choice. The next morning, as an act of justice, he donated $100,000 from my XP bank account for the technical support of very lonely homeless dogs. Do you know that the guy whom the police arrested for that illegal donation was a wrong person - MikiSicky. Today the hacker sent me an e-mail and asked me to extend his apologies for inconvenience to MikiSicky and to tell him the good news that he finally agrees with MikiSicky that the XP Home Manager System is the best system he ever saw. After those warm words of the hacker about XP - I decided to keep my new XP Home Manager System forever. But, maybe I was wrong.
Today the hacker showed his dog a new crack to my XP door and the dog started to use my XP refrigerator again. I do not complain now, because I cannot figure out how to place a secure order from XP refrigerator to get that damn tasty sausage without the dog. Unfortunately, the dog thoroughly kept the secret form me. I am very proud that I (for the first time) outsmarted the dog. I installed a hidden camera and recorded what the dog did. It was very simple - the dog was coming to the smell analyzer of the XP refrigerator and doing ..., yes, the thing that smells as my bathroom does after my visit. And, you know what - after this, the XP refrigerator automatically placed the order for the dog's (I mean, mine) favorite sausage. I tried to do the same, but the XP refrigerator sends me only toilet paper, soap, shampoo, deodorant and a toothbrush with toothpaste for ... homey donkeys. I was upset by smell discrimination and ordered a new XP security patch to stop the dog's visits.
Now, I am writing to you from the street, because I cannot get home. For the security purposes, the XP door demands from me to fly to Seattle to take a new activation key to unlock the door. I only do not understand why it did not ask the dog to do the same? (The hacker's dog just went along me with sausage from my house). And strange, I hear from my house my XP radio on a wave "Sounds of Dogs", but, as I remember, I never set this station up on my XP radio.
I want to report you my phone interview that the XP company advertised on nation-wide radio stations, where I am saying that my XP Home Manager Systems gave me a new breath in my life, brought a new sense of life, and so much fun and entertainment as I never had experienced before - was not my interview at all. That was the hacker's parrot that principally flew into my house on this interview to say many thanks to the manufacturer of the XP Systems. Since that parrot's visit I cannot watch any channels on my XP TV except the channel "Parrot's Life". I also have to report that I do not understand why a grocery store does not want to give me money back for the delivered to my house 1000 lbs. of raw almonds ordered by the hacker's parrot? I think I am right because it should not matter that the parrot used my phone to do it. But they said to me that the person who ordered almonds was talking as a human, but I am talking as a parrot - the same words again and again. The only good news was that almonds were automatically loading and accurately roasting in my XP kitchen stove. The bad side of the good news is I still cannot figure out how the parrot did it. That's why I started to think how to get some benefits from the hacker's parrot. I wrote to the hacker's parrot a demand that it must teach me how to use all my XP stuff, and also how to use XP windows. (When the parrot is coming - the XP windows are automatically opening and saying: "Welcome to the XP paradise"). But because I called the parrot - "it" - he became very rude and extremely arrogant. He told me that I am XP-it but he is a flying high-tech computer-littered genius and I will regret harassing him (it?) by humiliating him with nicknames. So, I ordered one more XP security patch against parrots.
You have to believe me. When I came to my home - the XP door was unlocked, no water and electricity at all, and only an error message on the XP refrigerator - "You have installed unauthorized equipment, which is not compatible with your XP Home Manager Systems. All the XP systems are disabled now. An authorized XP dealer will inspect your XP equipment. The inspection is schedule in a month. Period." I decided to speed up the process. After two days of searching for unauthorized equipment - I finally found it in my XP refrigerator. It was an empty paper box with a sign - Linux. I reported that to the XP company, but, either I said something wrong or they misunderstood me, the inspection was rescheduled from one month of waiting to six months because of the unexpected complications.
Today my disabled XP computer suddenly came back to life to give me e-mail and than died again. It was the hacker. He told me he is sorry about what happened. He said he did not know about the primitive silly idea of parrots' retaliation with the Linux paper box, but he can do nothing about it, because the parrot is a minority. The hacker wrote to me that as a good will gesture he decided to reveal secret about what has happened. Indeed, the XP stuff is so sensitive to Linux that even a whiff of a Linux product can bring on a deep coma to the whole XP system. Then he told me that he is also sick and tired of the parrot's and dog's bad behaviors. As always, when he shows them a new XP crack - they from happiness immediately turn into a bathroom any place where they are, except his real bathroom. He told them that because of it from now on if they want an XP crack - they must write it by themselves. But he is in fear that for them it might be a too simple task to do. By his prediction, probably, no later than in six months, his parrot and dog may figure out it and their bathroom happiness' syndrome will start again.
Dear honorable Attorney General, I am asking for your advice - maybe it is better to stay with non-XP-computerized home equipment? And meanwhile, if the XP guys cannot return water and electricity to my house, please, ask them if they only can give me permission to do shopping in super-markets instead of ordering food through my XP refrigerator (which is not working with me now), and most importantly - the rights to eat outside of my house without XP credit card authorization (it still works but only for the parrot and the dog). I am begging for your quick respond because I don't think I can survive without food during six months of waiting for the return of XP services.
With the last hope,
An ordinary truly XP-deeply yours ex-independent user.
P.S. I want to suggest a correction to the strong XP's verbal policy: to replace words "Only unwanted cats and dogs can tremendously hurt my house" with "Only unwanted parrots can tremendously hurt me and my house". Because when the hacker's dog in its compassion tried to bring me a cheaper brand of sausage from my house (my XP refrigerator ordered it by mistake) - the parrot prohibited it until I would ask him for forgiveness in the native language of Jeep Cherokee. I had no choice but to say yes. I already learned that first - I need to eat a lot of peas (which the parrot agreed to supply me with for free using my XP refrigerator and my credit card), but I still do not know the right words and how to pronounce them correctly using my fully functional back exhaust hole. Can you send me a Jeep Cherokee's dictionary and manual?
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Written by
Dr. Vladimir Gouliaev,
Sep 02.2002
New York
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