Ok, I will relent to you on this one. I was plagiarizing from this link, about a bibi and barak joke.
kahane.org
Jokes
The schmuck
BiBi tells Barak
"You’re a schmuck! You always were a schmuck and you always will be a schmuck! You look, act and dress like a schmuck! You’ll be a schmuck until the day you die! And if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be the world’s second biggest schmuck!"
"Why only second place?" Barak asks.
"Because you’re a schmuck!" BiBI screams
_________________________________
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks what he should do.
The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Torah and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Torah out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Torah will stay open at a particular page. Read the Torah and it will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Torah in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Torah. The wind rifles the pages of the Torah and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Torah and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.
The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank him for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the Torah brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Parsha Yud Aleph (Chapter 11)."
________________
The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no
end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed the
Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian
citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the
plague of darkness.
Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is
simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you,"
complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my
reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness,
the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid
enough evidence for me."
While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh
slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader,
rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no
slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every
society." Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is
justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the
superpower G-d.
The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive.
"The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region.
The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world,"
stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac.
Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself
within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be
the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while
slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues
and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far
with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed
the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really a
very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him,"
gushes Shapiro.
The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders,
continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had
made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately
break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard
Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is
not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews
must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through
these plagues."
The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace
overture. If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names
to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will
incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.
__________________________
Two Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in theprecarious days afterIsrael first had won its independence, and one saidto the other,
"I see only one way out."
"What's that?"
"Israel must declare war on the United States."
"What are you talking about? How could that possibly help us?"
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would send an occupying force. They would form an alliance with a new pro-American government, guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish our industries, and make us prosperous."
"Hmm... I see your point, but it won't work." "Why not?" "Because, with our luck, we'd win the war and spoil everything."
__________
The Mystery of Jewish Optimism
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading a Middle East Arabic newspaper. A friend of his,
who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, haveyou lost your mind?
Why are you reading an Arabic newspaper?" Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted worldwide , Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arabic newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!".
_______________________
Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.
Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."
His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately!"
Shloyme says, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish." and he leaves for the gate.
So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asks: "What happened?"
Shloyme says,"Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what'll I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew..."
____________________
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down.
Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the
vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver:
"Listen," he says, "when you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But, why, in heaven's name, are you stopping at a green light?!"
The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged:
"Are you crazy?!" he shouts. "The other guy has a red light--do you want to get us killed?!
_____________________
General Schwartzkopf was asked how it was possible to fight an enemy who was ready and willing to die for his cause.
His reply: "Accommodate him."
_____________________
Chaim: I think they should erect a statue of Arafat in Times Square.
Yankel: A statue of Arafat? Are you crazy? Why?
Chaim: Three reasons:
It will give shade in the summer
It will give shelter in the winter
It will give the pigeons a chance to speak for everybody else.
_________________
Peace Laureate Peres Is Criticized
Fri Apr 5, 2:21 PM ET By DOUG MELLGREN, Associated Press Writer OSLO, Norway (AP) - In a rare comment on former laureates, two members of the Nobel Peace Prize committee criticized 1994 winner Shimon Peres on Friday for being party to Israeli attacks on Palestinians.
The Israeli foreign minister shared the prize with then-Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin (news - web sites) and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat (news - web sites) for efforts that led to the now-tattered 1993 Oslo Agreement.
But committee member Hanna Kvanmo said Peres was condoning violence by participating in the government of hard-line Prime Minister Ariel Sharon (news - web sites).
"If it had been now, he would not have gotten the prize," said Kvanmo, a retired left-wing politician who supported the decision concerning the 1994 prize.
Nobel prizes cannot be revoked, but Kvanmo said she wished it were possible in Peres' case.
Kvanmo said she still supports awarding the prize to Arafat, insisting he has tried to carry out the Oslo Agreement and can't be blamed for violence when Israel has him under house arrest.
The secretive five-member Norwegian awards committee usually does not comment on laureates, but one of Israel's biggest military offensives in a generation has caused the panel to break with tradition.
Israel has occupied six main Palestinian towns and several smaller ones and arrested hundreds of Palestinians during the past two weeks. The offensive was launched after 18 months of violence that killed nearly 1,300 Palestinians and more than 400 Israelis.
The 1994 peace prize was one of the few leading to an open dispute. Committee member Kaare Kristiansen quit rather than being party to a prize to Arafat, a man he called a terrorist.
Rabin was assassinated at a peace rally a year after accepting the prize.
Gunnar Staalsett, the Lutheran Bishop of Oslo who replaced Kristiansen, also criticized Peres' actions.
"This is deeply, deeply tragic. One would think that the duty included in the peace prize would mean more than they appear to today," Staalsett said in Friday's edition of the newspaper Dagsavisen. "It is my opinion that he (Peres) is violating its intention and spirit."
Another committee member, Sissel Roenbeck, urged Peres to return to a policy of peace and dialogue.
_______________________
"Negotiations In Israel"
The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, "Of course."
The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.
"Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him.
"It was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites--"
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"
"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."
_________________________
Jewish Suicide Bombers
They sat huddled around the pine benches in the JCC sauna. Their bodies glistening with sweat off set by the large white towels around their ample
bellies, except for Garfinkle who weighed 100 pounds. They called him "Fatty".
So it was agreed. These Jews would show the Arab terrorists attacking Israelis that the Jews could be just as ruthless and vicious and they
resolved to fight terror with terror. It was a fateful decision for all of them.
They were going to volunteer to form the first Jewish suicide bomber group, but before they could begin, Shapiro kept forcing the point about a name
for the group."How can we be a legitimate organization, especially a Jewish organization without a name?"
Gold said, "While our methods are going to be radical, we don't want anyone to be angry with us because of our name, so we shouldn't say anything to
offend the Arabs, or God forbid, anyone else." They all nodded in unison. "Right, so we have to remember our roots and be politically correct, after
all, one could almost see their point of view", said Schwartz.
"Also, we don't want to harm any children under the age of ten" said Goldberg. "Why ten and not two or six years old, why did you pick ten?"
Well, Goldberg said, "My favorite grandson, Christopher Anthony is going to be ten next month."
"Look, Jews are being blown up in their cribs and we're debating what ages we have to worry about hurting." "If we're going to do this, then let's be as
ruthless as the Arabs and let's do this right."
"The name, the name, we still need the name", pleaded Shapiro.
"OK, OK, good point, we need a name to baptize, God forgive me, our group."
"Now remember, we're going to go as Olim Chadishim (new immigrants) to Israel and we're going to regroup at the Jerusalem Senior Center and there, while we're playing poker, we'll plan our suicide attacks." "The women at the radical splinter group from Hadassha will provide us with intelligence,
explosives and bagela. "We'll borrow the backpacks for the explosives from our grandchildren, before we leave."
Stein said, "Our children are too busy being successful and making fortunes to become suicide bombers, God forbid, but we've reached the end of our lives and instead of waiting for Long Term Care Insurance to kick in and going from doctor's office to doctor's office, we've decided to go out with a bang"
"The rabbi promised us our own martyr's wall with our names inscribed in bronze with little lights that resemble candles. This is better than planting
trees in that mischugana forest." "Maybe they'll even name a forest after us. Personally, I'd rather have 70 virgins."
"The name, we still need a name." "The Suicide Brigade". "My wife wouldn't like it." "The Jewish killers." "Too harsh." "The Jewish Senior Citizens
United Against Arabs To Revenge the Suicide Bombings Against Innocent Israeli Citizens."
"Now, that's good, you're on the right track but can you make it longer", said Fatty.
By the time they finally decided on the right name they were suffering from severe dehydration and had to be taken to the hospital for infusions. The
ambulance attendants thought they were delusional because they kept saying, "Now that we have the name, we need the song."
_____________________________________
After getting nailed by a daisy cutter, Osama made his way to the Pearly Gates. He was greeted by George Washington who yelled "How dare you attack the nation I helped to conceive!" slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry was next and said "You wanted to end American's liberty, so they gave you death" and punched Osama in the face. James Madison came up next and said "This is why I allowed the federal Government to provide for the common defense" and kicked Osama in the groin. Osama was the subject of similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 67 other people who have the same love for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. As Osama writhed in agony on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picked him up and hurled him back to the gates to be judged. While Osama awaited his turn he screamed "this is not what
I was promised." An angel replied "I don't know what you expected, you were told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you."
__________
"Four years ago, my cousin ran for the Knesset."
"What's he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected..."
_____________
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
_________________
"Mandelbaum and Rosenstein were talking one day..."
Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"
So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."
_________________
The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mid-east OTHER than Israel." No answer. A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel." No answer from anyone. A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel. Still no answer from anyone. Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is SyrianAirliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Mid-East, INCLUDING Israel. Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian
airplane cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help." "God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, what should we do?"
Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitkadash ..."(translation: this is the prayer for the dead)
_____________
A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, and he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner. The man gave the man twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing . He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Arab
__________________
After years of hard work, a man who has finally made his way in business decides to treat himself and buys an extravagance: a new Lamborghini!
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah for
the Lamborghini."You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks."It's a Lamborghini," the man replies."What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi."A
car, a sports car." "What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts."You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"Well, the man
is disappointed, but he waits a few days and finallygoes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah."You want a mezuzah for what?"
the Rabbi asks. "It's a Lamborghini," the man replies."What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi."A car, an sports car."What kind of sports car?" asks the Rabbi. "Italian.""What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a Goyish car? Go to the Reform!"Again, the man feels guilty and
disappointed, but finally he breaks downand goes to the Reform Rabbi."Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini." "You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi. "You know what it is?" says the man. "Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuza?
_________________
"Nothing Wasted"
A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the rabbi, asking him what the synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the temple new candles.
"What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?" asked the auditor.
"Simple," the rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal."
"All right" said the auditor, refusing to give up. "I know that you are a moyel as well as a rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?"
"Easy" said the rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC... and they send us you."
___________________
Saddam Hussein had a dream and called President George W. Bush to tell him about it.
"I had a dream about the United States. I could see the whole country and over every building and home was a banner," said Saddam.
"What was on the banner?" asked Bush.
"LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN!!" answered the Iraqi President.
"I am so glad that you called", said President Bush, "because I, too, had a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever,
totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner."
"What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.
"I don't know," answered Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."
___________________
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate? The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
__________________
A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning.
The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the three are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village.
The Chief tells the three captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes--no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all thetrimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Budweisser Beer."
The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately runs into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the cooking pot.
The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I would also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French manner."
The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rushes off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the cooking pot.
The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"
The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me as hard as you can." The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks
him as hard as he can. With that, the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.
The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?" The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, the European Union, and the US State Department for''overreacting to insufficient provocation?"
_______________________
If the UN deserves the Nobel Peace Prize, then ...
With the Nobel award to the UN, hope springs eternal. Now, the most deserving individuals or groups -- so long and unjustly overlooked -- have a chance. If the UN deserves the Nobel Peace Prize, then . . .
Woody Allen deserves the Loyalty to Family Award.
Exxon deserves the World Wildlife Fund Preservation Award.
Bill Clinton deserves the St. Francis of Assisi Piety Award.
Billy Crystal deserves the American Gothic Straight Face Award.
Osama bin Laden deserves the ACLU Civil Liberties Award.
Winston Churchill deserves the Silence is Golden Award.
Barry Bonds deserves the Cy Young Award.
Las Vegas, Nevada deserves the American Puritan Founders Award.
Saddam Hussein deserves the Mother Teresa Character Award.
Bob Dylan deserves the Operatic Tenor of the Year Award.
Adolf Eichmann deserves the Conscience of the Century Award.
Mikhail Baryshnikov deserves the Klutz of the Year Award.
Kareem Abdul Jabar deserves the Willie Shoemaker Award.
Robert Downey, Jr. deserves the "Just Say No" Award.
Imelda Marcos deserves the Salvation Army Volunteer of the Year Award.
Franz Kafka deserves the Clarity Is My Weakness Award.
Nikita Kruschev deserves the annual Miss Manners Award.
Bill Romanowski, Denver Bronco, deserves the Good Sportsmanship Award.
Lenny Bruce deserves the League of Women's Voters Political Correctness
Award.
Ku Klux Klan deserves the ADL In Praise of Pluralism Award.
Louis Farrakhan deserves the National Conference of Community and Justice
Citizen of the Year Award.
William Faulkner deserves the Brevity is the Soul of Wit Award.
Golda Meir deserves the Stay-at-Home Mother of the Year Award.
Richard M. Nixon deserves the Abraham Lincoln Award for Integrity.
Warren Harding deserves the Cal Ripken Endurance Ward.
Leonid Brezhnev deserves the Elvis Presley Award for Innovation and
Creativity. And in 2001, posthumously . . .
Herbert Hoover wins the Nobel Prize for Economics.
Babe Ruth wins the Nobel Prize for Physics.
Lucille Ball wins the Nobel Prize for Literature. Oh yes, one final
matter: To emphasize the enduring significance of the Nobel
Peace Prize, the Nobel Committee re-awarded the Peace Prize to that former
recipient whose post-prize accomplishments have
done more for peace than any other living recipient: Yasir Arafat.
________________________
September 11, 2001 at 8:00am:
The President's
World-Stat rings, Chairman
Arafat is on the phone.
Arafat: Mr. President I would like to offer my condolences for the total destruction of the World Trade Center.
Bush: What are you talking about?
Arafat: I mean all the destruction and all the innocent civilians that are dead.
Bush: I really don't know what you are talking about.
There is dead silence and then....
Arafat: Oh!! We are seven hours apart now, not six!! OOPS!
___________________________
A son and his dad are taking a walk in new york on a beautiful spring day in 2021. They stroll down to where ''ground zero'' was 20 years earlier.
''Son, this is where the World Trade Center used to be",- dad says to his young son.
The son replies ''Dad, what was the World Trade Center?"
Dad answers: ''This is where Arabs crashed the planes into the 2 World Trade Center office buildings''.
The young son asks: ''Dad, what were the Arabs?"
________________________
Arafat, Sharon, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and .... it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and Sharon are sitting there looking perplexed. Arafat is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking : "Arafat must have tried to kiss that girl and has been slapped. "
Arafat is thinking : "Damn it, Sharon must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl is thinking : "Arafat must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Sharon instead and got slapped."
Sharon is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Arafat again." |
