Sorry, but I am unable to translate that into whatever language it is that Cretien tries to speak
Ha come on, if Mark Steyn can you can!!!!!!!!!
<<Da Little Guy!!
Chretien's magical mystery tour
Thursday, April 13, 2000
Mark Steyn
National Post
Continuing his successful world tour, Prime Minister Jean Chretien met today with the German Fuhrer in Munich. "I have here da piece of paper signed by Herr Hitler," he said afterwards, waving the agreement at the cheering crowd.
"And what does it say?" asked a CBC reporter.
"I dunno. I haven' read it. You know me, guys. I like to bound up da stairs at da House of Common, vault over da wall, play da hockey, throttle da passerby. When I'm old and retired, dat'll be da time to sit in da E-Z-Boy Recliner reading stuff."
"But how do you feel about the Germans occupying the Sudetenland?"
"Well, I can understand dat. Dey wan' da lebensraum. You know not everyone can be as lucky as Canada, where we got all da lebensraum in da worl', if you don' mind da frozen tundras. So if you're in Montreal and you tink maybe I drive 45 minute to my ski condo, well, you do dat in Germany and you're in Belgium."
"Yes, but where are the Czechs supposed to go?"
"Da cheques will continue to go to Shawinigan, jes' like dey always do," said Mr. Chretien. "But we're supposed to be talking about da foreign policies."
"Why have you not scheduled any meetings with the Poles?"
"Look, I don' know whether I'm at da North Pole or da South Pole," joked the Prime Minister. "Dat's pretty good, huh?"
Leaving Munich, Mr. Chretien went on to Vienna for talks with the Emperor Franz Josef. Afterwards, during a visit to a stylish pastry house which, due to a clerical error, receives an annual $3-million grant from HRDC, the Prime Minister was asked about the recent assassination of Archduke Franz-Ferdinand in Sarajevo by disaffected Serb Gavrilo Princip.
"Well, I can sympathize wid dat Serb guy," said Mr. Chretien. "You know, it can be very annoying seeing dese fellows running aroun' town wid da aristocratic title. In Canada, we do dings different. When we hear dat da bigshot want to call himself Archduke Conrad, we just have da quiet words wid Buckingham Palace and da problem go away. But dey don' have dat system over here, so I guess da liddle Serb figure he had no choices but to kill dem."
"So you're in favour of Bosnia-Herzegovina seceding from the Austro-Hungarian Empire?"
"Yeah, sure, dey got dat right," he said. "Dey got dere own language -- Bosnian-Herzegovinian or whatever it called -- and, if we in Canada had a province with its own language and so forths, I tink we say dat sound like your own countries to me. Of course, we have to have da respect for minority rights -- you know, da signs in Bosnian would be twice da size of da signs in Herzegovinialian, dat sortta dings."
As journalists scrambled to their phones to report that Canada now supported political assassination that could plunge the continent into war, Foreign Minister Lloyd Axworthy denied that this marked a departure from the government's "soft power" strategy.
Meanwhile, in Britain, the funeral of Queen Victoria was attended by Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany, Grand Duke Michael of Russia, the Kings of Greece, Portugal and Belgium, the Crown Princes of Denmark, Norway and Sweden, and Canadian Deputy Prime Minister Herb Gray. Speaking from his ski resort in Whistler, B.C., Mr. Chretien explained that he would have been there but let's face it, the old lady was bound to kick off sooner or later and it wasn't his fault that she'd done it at an inconvenient time, rather than, say, during an APEC inquiry.
"Give me a break, boys," he shouted to journalists as he snowboarded past them. "Maybe if she get outta da house a bit more and spend time on da ski slopes, she'd still be around today." The Prime Minister did a graceful double somersault, and continued down the slope on one leg, the other foot being in his mouth.
Later, on a visit to Washington, Mr. Chretien said Canada would play her traditional role of "honest broker" in mediating the Civil War.
"Do you support the abolition of slaves, Prime Minister?" asked a CTV correspondent.
"I hardly tink so," he replied. "The Slavs should have their own state, back in Serbia. I said dat in Vienna."
"Er, these slaves are actually Negroes, Prime Minister," an aide pointed out.
"Negro Slavs? So much da better. We love da muticulturalism. You got a problem wid da Negro Slavs, you send 'em up to Ottawa and we give 'em a big Canada Council grant to dance around at da opening of da Commonwealth Games."
That evening, at Ford's Theatre Mr. Chretien was reprising a favourite joke about Flora MacDonald when an enraged actor John Wilkes Booth sprang forward and fired a shot at the visiting Canadian. Tragically, he missed and instead fatally wounded President Lincoln. "You know," the Prime Minister told the dying Lincoln, "dis wooden 'appen if you 'ave da gun registry." Mr Lincoln's response was inaudible.
Outside the theatre, a throng of journalists pressed in around the First Lady. "Other than that Canadian guy's joke, how did you enjoy the play, Ms. Lincoln?"
Resuming his shuttle diplomacy, Mr. Chretien arrived in Cork to find the Irish people stricken by the failure of the potato crop. He immediately pledged Canada's help in rebuilding the economy. "We will be sending hundred of da peacekeepers to every village to teach da peasant how to make poutine. It's an excellent, affordable dish made wid da cheese curd, da gravy and..."
"Potatoes?"
"Not at all. I always use da shredded, unread foreign affairs briefing papers. Dey're much tastier and far less fattening, eh?"
At Castillon, the Prime Minister found England and France locked in the final battle of the Hundred Years War. "Actually, da war's been going on for 116 years, but, like Jane Stewart say, who's counting?" said Mr Chretien, anxious to demonstrate his command of the subject.
"Prime Minister," asked one reporter, "is there not something profoundly moving about a worthy foe struggling on for decade after decade after decade with no hope of victory?"
"You wid da Martin campaign?" quipped Mr. Chretien, ducking to avoid a long-bow.
Passing through Texas, Canada's veteran statesman spent two hours at Governor Bush's mansion in Austin. The first hour and three-quarters was spent trying to get past security, but once that had been cleared up his talks with the presidential hopeful were described by both sides as productive. "Come in, Prime Minister," said the Governor. "I now realize you're not an inanimate bowl of French fries covered in glutinous slop. If you were, U.S. embassies around the world would be far less concerned."
"I'm glad to here dat," said Mr Chretien, "because there's nuttin' worse dan da world leader who knows nuttin' about world affairs an' just blunders aroun' givin' da country a bad name. So you now know who I am?"
"Absolutely. I loved you in Naked Gun."
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