Daily Brickbat
Absurd news bites, served fresh every day.
By Charles Oliver
Wiccan's Prayers Rejected (11/11)
Wiccan priestess Cyndi Simpson wants her town's Board of Supervisors to add her
name to the list of clergy members who say prayers before board meetings. But the
board of Chesterfield County, Virginia, refuses to do so. The "nonsectarian" prayers
are reserved for clergy of the "Judeo-Christian tradition," claims the rejection letter
Simpson received from county attorney Steven Micas. "Based upon our review of
Wicca, it is neo-pagan and invokes polytheistic deities," Micas told Simpson.
"Accordingly, we cannot honor your request to be included on the list of religious
leaders."
Ayatollah Calls For Jerry Falwell Hit (11/8)
The Ayatollah Mohsen Mujtahed Shabestari, who is supreme leader Ayatollah Ali
Khamenei's personal representative to Iran's Azerbaijan province, is upset with
three U.S. religious figures: Jerry Falwell, who has called the prophet Mohammed
"a terrorist"; Pat Robertson, who claims Islam is a religion of violence seeking to
"dominate and destroy"; and Franklin Graham, the son of televangelist Billy
Graham, who says Islam is "a very evil and wicked religion." Shabestari is seeking
to disprove these false notions by calling for the three to be killed.
Them Refried Beans Will Do It (11/7)
The Bureau of Land Management office in Prineveille, Oregon, was closed for
three days after several employees were taken to the hospital after complaining
about strange vapors. An investigation found the odor was apparently someone's
Mexican food.
Police Fail to Separate Wheat from Chaff (11/6)
The police in Sunnmore, Finland, claimed it was the largest amphetamine bust of
the year. Prosecutors and a judge believed them, holding in jail the 27-year-old man
found with the white powder while police pursued his suppliers. But when the cops
finally got around to testing the substance, it turned out to be common wheat flour.
An exasperated judge asked the police why they hadn't "tasted" the powder to
confirm it was drugs before tossing the man in jail. The police said that was only
done in movies, which is also, apparently, the only place field testing is carried out.
Cops Blow Down Granny's Door (11/5)
Sandy Cohen, 85, had just finished taking a shower when Philadelphia police
started knocking on her door, clutching a search warrant for drugs. She reached the
door just as an explosive device they had planted blew it off its hinges. A SWAT
team burst in, pointing their guns at her. Raising her arms, she told them they had the
wrong house. One cop simply snarled, "That's what they all say." But after checking
the house out, the cops found they had indeed got the wrong one, something
neighbors had tried to tell them as they planted the explosives.
Now, Cohen, her son, and her lawyer want to know how the cops came to think
there were drugs in her house. Seems like a reasonable question.
Four-Legged Felons (11/4)
Hojatoleslam Hasani, prayer leader of the Iranian city of Urumieh, is upset at the
rising number of Iranians who own dogs. "I demand the judiciary arrest all dogs
with long, medium, or short legs together with their long-legged owners, otherwise
I will arrest them myself," he recently said. Islam views dogs as unclean, but
Iranians, especially women, have started taking to the creatures. The government
earlier this year banned the sale of dogs, but dog owners can now be seen openly
walking their pets in many Iranian cities.
Pennsylvanians Saved From Depraved Bingo Nights (11/1)
Pennsylvanians can play the lotto and bet on ponies. They may soon be able to play
slots or gamble on river boats. But they can't play bingo at Wal-Mart.
For years, the discount chain has permitted weekly bingo games. There was no
admission fee, no charge to play, and no betting. The district attorney in Lebanon
County has nonetheless decided the games violate the state's "small games of
chance" law, which allows only state-licensed, not-for-profit community
organizations to run bingo games. Wal-Mart asked the state to change the law. But
Republican lawmakers voted down the idea, concerned that it would promote
gambling.
Ghosts, Ghouls, and 30 Percent Tariffs (10/31)
Halloween could get a lot more expensive. For years, imported cloth costumes
moved freely across U.S. borders: They were considered "nondurable" clothing,
and so were exempt from tariffs and import quotas. But New York-based Rubie's
Costume Co., which sews its own outfits, found it was getting slapped with duties
of anywhere from 10 percent to 16 percent on imported fabric. To level the playing
field, it persuaded the U.S. Court of International Trade—a federal court that rules
on customs and trade-related disputes—to reclassify costumes as "fancy dress"
apparel, subjecting them to duties of up to 30 percent.
Like It or Lump It (10/30)
A poll of Iranians has revealed that 74 percent of those over 15 want the nation to
engage in talks with the United States and 45.8 percent believe Washington's policy
towards their government is "to some extent correct." How did the government
react? The religious judiciary jailed the heads of the state polling agency, which
conducted the survey, and the state news agency, which published it. They are
charged with "publishing lies to excite public opinion." No action has been taken
against parliament, which commissioned the poll.
Marshal Dillon He Ain't (10/29)
Shawn B. McCullers, a federal air marshal accused of holding passengers at
gunpoint and arresting a man for "observing too closely," had been rejected by the
Philadelphia Police Department in the mid-1990s after failing a psychological test.
In addition, he received just two weeks' training before being put to work,
according to the Philadelphia Inquirer.
When Politics Gets Ugly (10/28)
Police in Auburn, Maine, have been ripping up signs from people's yards: The city
bans any political signs on private property until 30 days before an election. "It's
designed to protect people from having to look at, say, my 20 signs on my lawn all
year long," Auburn City Clerk Mary Lou Magno said. "But if they want to put them
up later, that's fine."
A Criminal Kiss (10/25)
A cultural festival in Yazd, Iran, featured Gowhar Kheirandish, one of the nation's
most famous actresses, and Ali Zamani, a young actor. Zamani was a pupil of
Kheirandish's late husband. When he met his former teacher's wife, she shook his
hand and kissed him on the cheek. That would be unremarkable—except that in Iran,
socializing between unrelated men and women is a criminal offense. Arrest
warrants were issued for the two.
Tech Savvy (10/24)
Bob Taft, the Republican governor of Ohio, wants to spend $1.6 billion on the
Third Frontier Project, a plan to attract high-tech projects to the state. Gov. Taft
himself doesn't have a computer or use e-mail.
Bureaucrats with Guns (10/23)
When some teenagers toilet-papered his yard, Jon Carl Petersen jumped into his car
and chased them down while brandishing a gun. When police got to the scene, they
found that Petersen's blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit. They charged
him with drunken driving, 10 counts of assault with a weapon, and two counts of
simple assault. Petersen is the head of the Iowa office of the federal Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
A Well-Regulated Militia (10/22)
The Colorado Libertarian Party doesn't engage in any sort of paramilitary or
firearms training, but that didn't stop the Denver Police Department from classifying
it as a "militia-type organization." The LP is just one of 208 organizations and
3,200 citizens the police have been keeping records on. The police file did note the
LP has a habit of supporting gun owners' rights. No word on whether those files
noted that private gun ownership is protected by the U.S. and Colorado
constitutions.
No One Expects the Marriage Police (10/21)
Abdul Halim Zainal Abidin and his wife Nooriah have been married 22 years and
have three children, but that didn't ward off Malaysia's religious police. The two
were staying in a rented room when the police burst in and arrested them under a
law that prohibits unchaperoned close contact between unrelated Muslim men and
women. They were handcuffed and hauled off to jail. The next day they were able to
get a friend to bring in a copy of their marriage certificate, and the charges were
dropped. But they say the police never even apologized for the mistaken arrest.
Code 3.417-G (10/18)
When a fight broke out among six girls at a Chicago middle school, a teacher's aide
called 911 and reported that one student was unconscious and another was waving
a gun. But there was no gun and no unconscious student at Dyett Academic Center.
Principal Cheryl Marshall-Washington had told the aide to make those claims so
that the police would respond quickly. None of the students was arrested, but
Marshall-Washington was charged with disorderly conduct and filing a false police
report.
I Know You Are But What Am I? (10/17)
Anne Matonga is the wife of Bright Matonga, a henchman of Zimbabwean tyrant
Robert Mugabe. The Matongas recently took possession of a 1,500-acre farm
seized from a white family. When they forced the owners off the farm, Mrs.
Matonga screamed at them, "Get off our land. We are taking back what you stole
from our forefathers." Asked to explain, she blasted the "white colonialists who
stole our land." Mrs. Matonga is white and moved to Zimbabwe from Great Britain
last year.
When Problem Gambling Pays (10/16)
Ralph Gerdelan, executive director of New Zealand's Problem Gambling
Foundation, is under investigation for running up NZ$281,000 on the foundation's
credit card in the last year. That included $18,000 in cash advances from money
machines. When asked if he'd used any of the money for gambling, Gerdelan refused
to comment. The foundation, which is funded by fees paid by the gaming industry,
treats problem gamblers. It does not prohibit its staff from gambling.
Would You Want an Illiterate Doctor? (10/15)
Jim Patch, a candidate for the Des Moines, Iowa, school board, has taught for 40
years and has the support of the teachers' union. He believes a kid shouldn't have to
be able to read to get a high school diploma. "I would like to see us be accountable,
but as far as tying graduation to reading, we're going to have a lot of architects and
artists and doctors out there who aren't going to graduate from high school if we do
that," he says. Patch says that requiring students to be able to read would
discriminate against those with dyslexia.
Doctor Billgood (10/14)
Dr. Krishnaswami Sriram billed Medicare for tests he never performed and
patients he didn't see, reports the Chicago Sun-Times. Once, the Chicago physician
billed Medicare for seeing more than 180 patients in a single day—even though 32
of them were dead. He also billed for a patient he said he saw at two different
hospitals—on the same day.
It Takes A Thief (10/11)
A group of Palestinians angry at being fired from the security forces kidnapped
three Italian peace activists in Gaza, to try to force officials to re-hire them, reports
alertnet.org. The hostages were released a day later, unharmed. No word on
whether the Palestinians got their jobs back.
Acts of Treachery (10/10)
Vietnamese officials say they may fine actor Don Duong, ban him from plying his
craft, and bar him from leaving the country for five years. That's apt punishment,
they say, for distorting the history and image of Vietnamese soldiers. Duong, one of
the nation's most popular actors, played a Vietnamese military commander in the
Mel Gibson movie We Were Soldiers. The movie actually portrayed Vietnamese
soldiers as brave and capable. But it also presented American soldiers as
well-meaning and courageous, not the cruel butchers portrayed in Vietnamese
cinema. The movie is banned in Vietnam but widely available on bootleg DVDs.
The Hotel Dick (10/9)
Evelyn Boyd-Young, a registered nurse who heads a substance abuse program, was
in Elk Grove, Illinois, at a drug treatment training program. Late one night, she was
awakened by a knock on her hotel room door. Outside she found two uniformed
cops and a big dog. The Best Western Midway Hotel had invited the police in for a
random drug search. The police didn't find anything, but afterwards Boyd-Young
began to wonder what might have happened if the previous occupant had left drugs
behind. Hotel manager Javed Akram acknowledged that hotel staff don't sweep
rooms for drugs between guests. "It's possible," he said. "The best thing to do in a
situation like that is to let the police figure out if the person is guilty."
Zero Tolerance, Zero Sense (10/8)
Joshua Erdkamp has been suspended for five days for not turning in a classmate's
drugs quickly enough. When a classmate handed the eighth-grader some pot to pass
to another student during class, he got up from his desk and threw the drugs away.
After class, he told a trusted school counselor what had happened. His actions
didn't satisfy the principal, who says Erdkamp should have told his teacher
immediately. Since he didn't, he's being punished by the Nebraska school. That'll
teach him to keep his mouth shut next time.
Feelin' Lucky, Punk? (10/7)
Greg Siem was having trouble subduing a man whom he and another police officer
wanted to arrest for being drunk and disorderly. So the Rochester, Minnesota,
policeman pulled out what he thought was his stun gun. In fact, he pulled out his
sidearm and fired a bullet into the man's back. The police department said it was an
honest mistake and returned Siem to duty. His victim will recover.
Farming in Brigadoon (10/4)
The British government paid one of its farmers, Joseph Bowden, £157,000
($244,433) in farm subsidies during a two-year period. Too bad they didn't notice
the land Bowden claimed to own was in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and in
Iceland and Greenland. Bowden also collected subsidies for multiple crops all
indicated as growing simultaneously on the same piece of land. Despite the obvious
inconsistencies, the government did not spot the fraud until receiving an anonymous
tip.
Tightly Wound (10/3)
Kester Black wanted to attend a tennis clinic in Spain, but he was told by security
agents at Scotland's Glasgow Airport that his tennis racket could be used as a
dangerous weapon. They seized the hazardous object from the 9-year-old boy
before allowing him to board his plane.
Release the Booze Hounds (10/2)
Policemen and excise officers in India will be rewarded with cash bonuses if
liquor sales in licensed shops increase on their watch, according to the U.K.'s
Western Daily Press. But if licensed liquor sales dip, officers can be reprimanded
or transferred. The scheme aims to encourage officers to crack down on unlicensed
stores that sell cheap bootleg liquor. For the licensed shops, it must be nice to have
the police stamp out the competition.
Burn, Baby, Burn (10/1)
In Salinas, California, the local fire department's administration building caught fire
in August and would have burned to the ground if it hadn't been for an employee
working late that night. That's embarrassing enough. Worse, it turns out the building
had no sprinklers, smoke detectors, or fire alarms. The fire marshal, whose office
is in the building, says it isn't legally required to have the fire prevention equipment
other buildings must have. He's been unable to convince the city to pony up the
funds to get the gear.
The New Centurions (9/30)
Police officers in Notts, England, have been under fire in recent months for failing
to respond to calls in a timely manner. But when one officer found himself in a
supermarket restroom without any toilet paper, he radioed for help, and four
officers rushed to the scene. They brought him a roll and stuck around to razz him
after he emerged from the loo.
I'm a Schizophrenic, and So Am I (9/27)
The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill is outraged that several retail chains are
carrying a T-shirt that reads, "You should hear the NAMES the VOICES in my head
are calling you." The organization says the shirt mocks the mentally ill. In response
to the complaints, Sears dropped the shirt, but Wal-Mart, Kmart, Kohl's, and Target
have not. The group warned those chains to stop selling the T-shirts and similar
merchandise "mocking mental illness" or risk potential legal liability under federal
or state anti-discrimination laws.
Women Who Can't Hold Liquor (9/26)
A New Zealand woman complained to her country's Human Rights Commission
about a sign posted at a local watering hole: "We don't serve women." She said
that while trying to patronize the bar, she was told the sign was a joke. Still, male
customers then spread themselves along the bar, she reported, making it difficult for
the women in her group to get served. An investigation found the sign actually read,
"We don't serve women here, you have to bring your own." The commission threw
out the woman's complaint.
Making John Ashcroft Proud (9/25)
David Myers, a volunteer in the sheriff's department in Charlotte County, Florida,
heard rumors that Middle Easterners had been seen in local libraries. So he
decided to check out a nearby branch of the Charlotte-Glades Library System. Alas,
he found no Arabs there, but he did spot Nigel B. Gates, a homeless man originally
from London. Taking a peak at the computer Gates was using, Myers saw him
looking at a page on the "Baghdad Battery," an early battery. That aroused Myers'
suspicion. He watched Gates carefully and saw him visit sites about mineral
supplements, agriculture, the president, and, he thought, "concealing metal objects."
Myers dashed off to the police station and alerted them to this "suspicious"
behavior. The police returned and, finding paint thinner and jewelry cleaner in
Gates' backpack, evacuated the library. After searching the hard drive, the police
found no evidence Gates had visited any sites related to weapons or bombs. But
they did find he was an illegal alien, so they arrested him.
Niggardly With Common Sense (9/24)
Akwana Walker wants her daughter's teacher, Stephanie Bell, fired. Why? Bell
tried to expand the fourth-grader's vocabulary. The problem started with one of the
words that Bell assigned the class to learn and to spell: niggardly. The word is a
synonym for stingy. But it sounds too much like a racial slur for Walker. Bell
received a letter from the irate parent saying the word was not allowed in her
house, no matter what it means. After Walker complained, her daughter was moved
to another class. Administrators reprimanded Bell, forced her to issue a formal
apology, and sent a counselor to talk to her class.
The Odd Couple (9/23)
Edwin Brown is serving a life sentence on two murder charges. Martin Brewer is
doing time on a probation violation stemming from a marijuana bust. But he's also
testifying against Brown in two other murder cases. Common sense says they
should be kept apart. But common sense wasn't working in the Arapahoe County,
Colorado, jail, which placed the two men in the same cell. Brown beat Brewer,
breaking his nose, blackening his eye, and bloodying him before the jailer separated
the two. Earlier this year, the same jail placed a 16-year-old girl in the same cell as
a serial rape suspect.
Airport Security Elite (9/20)
Members of an elite team of federal airport screeners received as little as 15
minutes' training before starting to inspect baggage for bombs. The screeners are
members of the Transportation Security Administration's Mobile Screening Force,
which is intended to move from airport to airport as it "leads the way" in the
federal takeover of aviation security. The screeners said they were never tested or
certified in the operation of the bomb detection equipment and that requests for
proper training have been ignored.
Stuff Yer Face for Global Poverty (9/19)
Delegates to the United Nations World Summit on Sustainable Development in
Johannesburg, South Africa, didn't go hungry. To prepare for their visit, the
restaurant at their hotel stocked 5,000 oysters and more than 1,000 pounds of
lobster and other shellfish. It also brought in more than 4,400 pounds of fillet steak
and chicken breasts, 450 pounds of salmon, 220 pounds of a tasty South African fish
called kingclip-and more than 1,000 pounds of bacon and sausages. The restaurant
also made sure there was plenty of champagne and caviar for the delegates, who
were meeting to find ways to reduce global poverty and inequality of wealth.
Unhealthy Swedes (9/18)
Some 340,000 Swedes, or one in 26, are getting sick pay from the National Social
Insurance Board. A third of those have been getting checks for more than a year.
An additional 470,000 receive disability pensions, early retirement benefits paid by
the government to those who stop working before the retirement age of 65. These
often are bigger than regular pensions. The number of people on government-paid
sick leave has doubled in five years, and welfare benefits for the sick and disabled
now exceed the government's military and education budgets combined. The
governing center-left Social Democratic Party blames the increase on harder and
more stressful job conditions.
White-Collar Porn Peddlers (9/17)
The Michigan Branch of the American Family Association wants local prosecutors
to go after hotels that allow customers to order adult movies in the privacy of their
rooms. The group calls the chain hotels "white-collar porn peddlers" who profit
from the sexual exploitation of women. Gary Glenn, president of the association,
said his group is prepared to videotape porn in hotel rooms and turn the copies over
to police.
The Accidental Kidnapper (9/16)
A Glasgow, Scotland, social worker went to a local school to pick up a 6-year-old
girl as part of a "homemaker" program that provides family support. One problem:
She picked up the wrong girl. Almost an hour passed before the school and the
social services department realized their mistake, and the young girl was reunited
with her mother.
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