friday funnies...
rolling thanks JB. no access problems this week. guess i'll keep them here ;-)
New Virus
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out there
called the Senile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton
cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to affect those of us who were
born before 1958!
Symptoms of Senile Virus
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
```````````
Woman who cook carrot and peas in same pot -
very unsanitary
Q:- What do you call a horny Elf?
A:- A frigid midget with a rigid digit
`````````````````````
Right outside her front door, my mother-in-law had a
thermometer that never seemed to tell the correct temperature.
One chilly day, we all noticed that the thermometer, which was
in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees.
"Mom," my wife suggested without thinking, "You should stick
that thing where the sun doesn't shine."
........................
Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She
asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and
pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Johnny came to class with
another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her
advice. Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming!' Mom said 'I'm coming too,' and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too!' and that's when I got punched in the face."
.........................
Santa never did bring any presents to our house. Maybe it was because I
was really bad, or maybe it was because we had no chimney. I asked my
dad about it once, but he was too busy drinking Manischewitz with our
rabbi to answer me. (Ilya Portnoy)
When I was young, I wrote a letter to Santa every year and he always
brought me what I wanted. Now that I'm an adult, I have my children write similar letters to Santa -- but the lazy bastard never brings them anything. (Reis Hansen)
..........................
MOM: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the refrigerator
yesterday, and now there's only one. Why?
FRED: I don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the
other one...
````````````````````````
stoopid joke of the week...
What does a wicked witch
like to read in the newspaper?
Her horror scope!
*
Why do dragons sleep all day?
So they can fight knights!
*
Why was Cinderella such
a lousy baseball player?
She had a pumpkin for a coach!
*
Why did Cinderella get kicked
off the baseball team?
She always ran away from the ball!
*
Why were the giant's fingers
only eleven inches long?
Because if they were
twelve inches long,
they'd be a foot!
*
What would you get
if you crossed the
ugly duckling with a cow?
Milk and quackers.
*
What do frog princes
like to eat
with their hamburgers?
French flies.
*
What would you get
if you crossed Bo Peep's
littlest sheep with a
karate expert?
Lamb chops.
*
What's pink,
has a curly tail
and drinks blood?
A hampire.
*
Why are the wicked
witch twins so confusing?
It's hard to tell
which witch is which!
*
What did Cinderella say
when her photographs
weren't ready?
"Some day my prints will come!"
*
What's Snow White's brother's name?
Egg White!
Get the yolk?
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff Foxworthy
......................
Bob, a trendy dresser, fancied himself quite a lady-killer, and was
delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a
girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph.
"How romantic," he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this
mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and
a photo. Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
.....................
A blond called her attorney and asked, "I hear they
are suing the cigarette companies for causing
people to get cancer, and now someone is suing
the fast food goliaths for making them fat, so
what I want to know is.... Can I sue Budweiser
for all the ugly men I have slept with ?"
.....................
People say, "A penny for your thoughts." But, on the
other hand, they say they want to give you their "two
cents worth".Seems to me, somebody is making a profit on the deal.
.....................
I wonder what Christmas will be,
No merriment, good cheer or glee.
Now that Santa's arrested,
Because someone protested,
That he laid some doll under their tree.
Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop:
"Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"
Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade!
......................
You Might Be a Redneck if...
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
If you have ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship
came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports
event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
.......................
There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on
their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The
wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off. The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him only one of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted. "The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each." So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the session. Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?" The father shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been purple."
....................
and finally...
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a
rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
....................
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002
good fortune...
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