Homeland Security Jokes Quips, Quotes & Late-Night Jokes
"More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We're not sure when, we're not sure where, just that it is coming. Who is attacking us now, the cable company?" —Jay Leno
"We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?" —Jay Leno
"It's been reported that the FBI is visiting libraries nationwide and checking the reading records of people it finds suspicious. When asked about it, President Bush said 'I've always been suspicious of people who go to libraries." —Conan O'Brien
"According to USA Today, President Bush was very annoyed with Attorney General John Ashcroft for overstating the danger of that dirty bomb incident, like today when Ashcroft called it the biggest threat to America since those naked statues." —Jay Leno
"This week the White House proposed fingerprinting and photographing foreign visitors so they can do background checks. Officials in Saudi Arabia said this will only increase anti-American feelings in the Mideast. Is that possible? Gee, you hate to have people dislike us for no reason. Things were going so well." —Jay Leno
"President Bush has given the FBI sweeping new powers. For the first time they will be allowed now to have surveillance in churches. That has got to be the priests' worst nightmare." —Jay Leno
"Congressional leaders announced today that they will not give a quick rubber stamp to President Bush's homeland security plan. It needs more work. See this is what I love about Washington? If you want a plan to protect our country it takes, what? Months? Years? But if you're a terrorists at a flight school you can get a visa in two weeks." —Jay Leno
"The INS has just approved two of the dead terrorists visas. They applied for the visas eight months ago. It was just approved. The reason it took so long was, the INS had to do a thorough background check first, just to be sure. What the hell do you have to do to get denied a visa in this country? ...Today the government said they found the employees responsible and have had them removed from the INS. They have been transferred to airline security." —Jay Leno
"Tom Ridge has set up a five-stage, color-coded system to warn Americans against threats. The colors are green, blue, yellow, orange and red. This is what the Republicans meant when they said they are trying to get more color in the party...This thing is so confusing. Yesterday the alert went from blue to pink; now half the country thinks we're pregnant." —Jay Leno
"Tom Ridge announced a new color-coded alarm system. ... Green means everything's okay. Red means we're in extreme danger. And champagne-fuschia means we're being attacked by Martha Stewart." —Conan O'Brien
"The Justice Department announced plans this week for a new color-coded alert system with green for the most relaxed and red as the most serious warning. ....Strom Thurmond was visibly enthused about the plan, saying, 'A colored alert system? I've been waiting for one of them for years.'" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime." —David Letterman
"President Bush revealed today there is a shadow government run by people who live outside of Washington in bunkers in case Washington was ever attacked. I thought the shadow government was the one Enron bought with all those contributions." —Jay Leno
"It was revealed this week that a shadow government of seventy-five senior officials has been living and working in secret bunkers in the event that the nation's capital is attacked. This is not to be confused with the pretend government that Al Gore has been running in his basement for the last year." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"We take elections for granted. Where else do you get to choose the people who choose the people who will be in our shadow government?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart
"It happened again this week. Hundreds of people had to be evacuated from O'Hare Airport in Chicago. Seems every time somebody went through with a weapon, the metal detectors accidentally went off." —Jay Leno
"The federal government said today they've begun training sessions for airport security workers to provide what they call more customer satisfaction to the travels, they want to make it easier for us. They're instructing security guards to glance at your luggage tags so that they can call you by your first name. Isn't that creepy? The guy touching your wife, calling her by her first name." —Jay Leno
"Yesterday, President Bush unveiled a $38 billion dollar homeland security plan. The president said that under the new plan, we can wipe out the threat of pretzels in our lifetime." —Conan O'Brien
"On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the co-pilot hit him with a small ax. Good to see our airlines are being kept secure by the latest in 12th century technology." —Dennis Miller
"Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with." —Jay Leno
"I flew this past weekend. I went through airport security and said to the guy, 'Is everything okay?' He said, 'You might want to have that mole on your ass checked out.' That seems a little personal to me." —Jay Leno
"I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad." —David Letterman
"Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke." —Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!" —David Letterman
"Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama." —Jay Leno
"A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he's going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner." —Jay Leno
"The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem getting into this country." —David Letterman
"On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning, asking all Americans to be on the high alert this week. Then on Friday, he announced that the period of high alert would be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'Bitch, I can't be any more alert than I already am. Okay?' I'm opening my mail with salad tongs. I take my passport in the shower with me. I am watching so much CNN, I am having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Attorney General John Ashcroft said there is a new credible terrorist threat. He said everything is under control; not to panic. And then he went back to his harmonically sealed bunker." —Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'" —Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next — a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box." —Jay Leno
"I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early — took my cipro. Then I irradiated my mail and I'm good to go. I'm telling you, even if people sent me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that e-mail isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'" —David Letterman
"The FBI is releasing information on how to spot a suspicious package. Like, for example, if a suspicious man offers you a package to hold, you're in danger. But if a suspicious man offers to hold your package, you're in Hollywood." —Jay Leno
"Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Time Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID." —David Letterman
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." —Jay Leno
"National Guard troops are patrolling the nation's airports wearing jungle camouflage uniforms and carrying fixed bayonets. Nevertheless, it's done nothing to hold down crime at airports. They're still charging four dollars for a candy bar." —Comedian Argus Hamilton
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time." —Jay Leno
"Who has been appointed as one of the key people in the Congressional committee on homeland security? Gary Condit. That makes sense. The CIA says if we are going to investigate the scum of the earth, we are going to need lowlifes and degenerates to go in for us." —Jay Leno |
