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Politics : Should God be replaced? -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: TigerPaw who wrote (14951)	2/25/2003 7:34:22 AM
From: Giordano Bruno	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 28931

A little levity >>> News flash! God gives the go-ahead for war Miracle of the Chads in Florida prompts Chirac and Schroeder into action... White House keeps details classified in order to protect deity's privacy DIANE STINGLEY Special to The Observer President Bush has authorized Secretary of State Colin Powell to convene an emergency meeting of the U.N. Security Council in order to present new and compelling evidence to win U.N. approval for war with Iraq: God says it's the right thing to do. Press Secretary Ari Fleischer explained that this was a very difficult decision for the president. "God is an intensely private deity. When He has a personal conversation with someone, He wants it to remain off the record. God feels that whatever He had to say publicly pretty well got said in the Bible." He added that God also fears He will be quoted out of context, due to the bias of the liberal media. But circumstances have convinced the creator of the universe that the people of earth need to know His will regarding the situation in Iraq. Fleischer listed several reasons why God is now willing to break centuries of silence. "Like everyone else, God is getting very tired of the French and all their whining about war as a last resort. He feels they should stick to making wine, creating fashion and writing great works of literature and philosophy, and leave the important work of world leadership to the United States. We didn't get to be No. 1 in the world by accident, which the French would do well to remember." The press secretary stated that God made it quite clear to President Bush that war with Iraq was the No. 1 item on His personal agenda for Earth, and that all miracles and acts of grace would be suspended until bombing commenced on Baghdad. When asked by one reporter about the apparent contradiction between God's current command and His previous statements supporting peace through His son Jesus, which would lead one to think that war should be a last resort, Fleischer responded angrily. "That's the kind of bleeding heart liberal crap that gets God so irritated. This is a war to prevent war, which is how peace is made." When asked what specific evidence the president had to confirm his belief that God was speaking directly to him, Fleischer emphasized that many of the details would have to remain classified in order to protect God's privacy. "If we give out the ways in which our president communicates with God, then certain people might try and take advantage of that information. God doesn't want to be bothered by every Tom, Dick and Harry who has a gripe about his earthly existence." Reaction to the news of God's support for war with Iraq was swift and far-reaching. Demonstrators throughout the Middle East denounced the president, proclaiming that he was a heathen and an infidel and no way would God be speaking to him. Said one demonstrator, "It is the height of ignorance and arrogance for the American president to say that God would tell him to kill Iraqis. All believers of the one true religion know that God only speaks to those who have been to Mecca." In Europe, reaction was divided. British Prime Minister Tony Blair confirmed that his position remained the same. "Even if God was against the war, and I had to risk eternal damnation, I would still support President Bush." President Chirac of France and Chancellor Schroeder of Germany issued a joint statement that inquiries into the nature of God should continue, but that no resolution could be reached at this time. However, hours later, after speaking by phone with Colin Powell, a visibly shaken Chirac and Schroeder held a press conference, at which time they announced that new evidence had come to light and they were thinking that maybe they would support President Bush after all. They refused to elaborate further, but a source close to Chirac revealed that during their phone conversation with Colin Powell, reference had been made to the Miracle of the Chads in Florida from November 2000. "Yes, we French are a skeptical people, but a man who loses an election by over 300,000 votes and yet still wins, it is a miracle, no? Perhaps from God, perhaps not. But we French are also a practical people, and we don't want your president having God send a blight on all our grapes." The almighty creator of the universe and all its wonders, whose infinite nature transcends human understanding, could not be reached for comment. charlotte.com