bostonherald.com
Halitosis Hall just isn't the same without the CM
by Howie Carr
Friday, March 14, 2003
Liveshot Kerry, you made the right call, skipping the Southie St. Patrick's Day breakfast.
Who in his right mind would want to attend the ``time'' Sunday morning at the new Halitosis Hall? Half the state's payroll Charlies will be drinking a fifth and the other half will be taking the Fifth.
Speaking of which, say what you will about the Corrupt Midget, but the thing just isn't the same since he gave up the hosting chores. Steve Lynch is no Billy Bulger, thank goodness, but in retrospect, as a host he graded out with a respectable gentleman's C. As for the newest host, Sen. Jack Hart, well, as Bulger himself would say:
To a battle of wits, Jack Hart comes unarmed.
Liveshot's running for president, so he certainly doesn't want his photo snapped with any of the new generation of Butchie Cataldos. And what if the reprobate reps and shady solons should decide to bring along some of their relatives? Rep. Asselin's father, for instance, or Rep. Fagan's son.
It was indeed fortuitous timing for Liveshot, this prostate problem. The operation gave Liveshot just the out he needed. Ditto, the new state treasurer, Tim Cahill, who performed the selfless chore of giving up his kidney for a relative last week. The recovery process, you know, can be lengthy.
``He's been in pain this week,'' Cahill's flack said yesterday.
And he'd be in infinitely more pain if he had to show up at Halitosis Hall for three hours Sunday.
Gov. Romney will be there, but the question is, will he be sporting those green buttons of yore that they used to hand out at the door of the old Bayside Club?
``I'm a Friend of President Bulger.''
Like Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show, the CM has been a no-show since he left the job. Bulger was able to get presidents on the phone - that was Franny Joyce's job, in between hiring gangsters' relatives at the Convention Center Authority - but maybe this year, they could get The President of UMass.
Bulger will speak . . . but only if he's assured there's no FBI pen register on the phone.
Bulger will speak . . . but only from a safehouse, at a State House door-opener's home in Quincy.
Bulger will speak . . . but only if he's granted immunity.
Another question is, how long will Mitt hang in there? Not long would be my guess. The cue that it's time for Mitt to go will be when Sen. Guy Glodis challenges him to a chug-a-lug contest. Of one thing we can be certain: Glodis will have a glow on.
The more he guzzles, the more Glodis will brag about how he was the only one in the Senate who had the stones to take the pay raise. Somebody better have the hook ready. And what happens if someone like Dave Balfour cuts in front of Glodis in the line at the bar? An affray could erupt, and it might disturb the solemn reading of the list of the dearly departed, those who have fallen in battle since last March 17 . . . Shannon O'Brien, Maryanne Lewis, Richie Rouse, Joe Trainor. . . .
It's sad. At least if the war had started, Southie could have patriotically cancelled and gone home. Now, with no war until at least next week, the show must go on. Gulp. That means hoping that Jimmy Kelly finally sucker-punches Mumbles Menino. It means listening to Mike Callahan tell jokes so ancient that the cardinal in them is named Cushing.
The boyos had one of their warm-up events earlier this week, and since none of them can tell a joke, they began swapping insults.
In short, the St. Patrick's Day breakfast in Southie has become a lot like post-Whitey organized crime - not very organized. The only positive thing I can think of about the impending disaster is that it will carried live on both TV and radio, and if Tommy Taxes' annual poem doesn't drive the masses back to Mass, nothing will.
It pains me to say this, but short of a phone call from President Bush, there's only one way to save this moribund tradition. It's time for a new green button - Draft Bulger.
He could be escorted into the hall (and let's pray they've checked the insulation) by Wacko Hurley, to make him look smart, and Rep. Brian Wallace, to make him look tall.
Bring back Bulger. There is a place for the little man after all. Certainly not for $309,000 a year, and absolutely not on the 26th floor of One Beacon Street. But finally, in his dotage, let's get the Corrupt Midget back to the place he truly belongs, where he will feel most at ease, in his home away from home.
Halitosis Hall. |
