friday funnies...
If at first you don't succeed, act like you weren't even trying...
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway...
You know you are an adult when...
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up,"
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
9. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff,"
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that much again,"
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued and after
the show, Kylie said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says: "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand."Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says Okay.
He sleeps for half an hour, wakes up, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet, but again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind-blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right, stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
What are the worst three words you could hear during sex?...
"Honey, I'm home!"
"The Condom Broke!"
"It's to short"
"I've got AIDS
"Get off me!"
"Is it in?"
"Who are you?"
"That's allya got?"
"Your Brother's Better"
"You're A What?!"
"Are you through?"
"I'm getting sleepy"
"No! Over Here!"
"I'm done. Goodbye"
"Where is it?"
"I'm too drunk"
"Let's watch TV"
"You charge what!"
"I've gotta rash"
"Where's my medication?"
"I've got herpes"
"My vibrator's bigger"
"Read the instructions"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
BOMB IRAQ (a funny song rated R)
bantv.com
stoopid joke of the week...
A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.
After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to
three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty
bucks and get out."
"I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the
most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"
"Listen, Doctor", says the patient, "When it comes to my health,
nothing is too expensive."
.................................
and finally...
George Carlin Says...
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on
the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they
can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus
Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making
fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
pops |
