friday funnies...
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to
Hell and burn eternally, but I didn't want to upset him.
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As the blonde was standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from
the club's pro, she watched a foursome in the process of teeing off. The
first golfer addressed the ball and swung, hitting it 230 yards straight
down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a really good shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.
"What do you mean?
"I have a glass eye," said the golfer.
"I don't believe you!"
So he popped out his eye out and showed her.
The next golfer addressed the ball and swung, hitting it 240 yards straight
down the middle of the fairway.
Again, the blonde exclaimed, "That was a really good shot!"
"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.
"What's wrong with you?" said the blonde.
"I have a prosthetic arm," he replied.
"I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde.
So he screwed his arm off and showed it to her.
The next golfer addressed the ball and swung, hitting it 250 yards straight
down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a really good shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I have a prosthetic leg."
"I don't believe you!"
So that golfer screwed his leg off and showed it to her.
The fourth golfer then addressed his ball, swung, and blasted it 280 yards
straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.
"Now what's wrong with you?" she asked.
"I have an artificial heart," said the golfer.
"I don't believe you, show me.
"Well, I can't show you out here," the golfer said. "Come around behind the
Pro-Shop."
As he nor the blonde had not returned after a few minutes, his golf buddies
decided to go see what was holding things up. As they turned the corner and
went behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there was their pal - screwing his
heart out.
....................
stoopid joke of the week...
Max looked up at the steep, icy mountainside, "I can't do it," he said. His
companions begged him to climb the mountain with them, but he refused to
move, "I'm against mountain climbing," he finally admitted to his friends.
So now they call him: "Anti-climb-Max."
...
Our local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become stuck
in a frozen lake. A rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat
and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards - and the flock flew
off! The men were left staring at open water.
Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?"
The reply was, "Wild goose chase."
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The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was
which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see
through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the
letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about
getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire
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TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED: By David
Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be from Mars. But I can see something that rhymes with
Venus.
And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped...
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"
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The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who
staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.
"I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "What should I do?"
"Pay me in advance."
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News reports have filtered out early this morning that
US forces have swooped down on an Iraqi Primary School and
detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources
indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W Bush argued that this was clear
and overwhelming evidence that Iraq had indeed possessed
weapons of math instruction.
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and finally...
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute!"
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
pops |
