friday funnies...
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either".
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in
between his neck and the noose.
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1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!
2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends ...
3. What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.
4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!
5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
8. What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
9. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
10. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.
11. Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
12. What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her arse, you're in ... definitely!
13. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
14. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.
15. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
16. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite.
17. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
18. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.
19. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator.
20. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
21. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
22. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
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Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one. "How are you going to do that?" "Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb." "I think you need some time off," the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him. "Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted. "I can't work in the dark," he said.
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A fool and her money are soon courted.
There is no time like the pleasant.
It was reported that England was suffering from a plague of aunts.
The busy lawyer wanted an alert young woman to act as deceptionist.
The two bits of protoplasm could remember when they were cell-mates.
Beautiful legs are sometimes without equal, but bow-legs are always without parallel.
He thought all women were biased. "Buy us this." and "Buy us that."
Greta Barbo dreamed one night that she sprinkled boxes of grass seed
in her hair. She awoke moaning, "I vant to be a lawn."
The man told the ghost to go away, "You don't have a haunting license."
Why did they hang the picture? They couldn't find the artist.
He had untold wealth, it wasn't reported to the IRS.
Did you hear about the Arab baker who every morning at 6:00 would bow to the yeast?
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and finally....
letters to god from children
1.Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is
nothing good in there now.
Amanda
2.Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never
asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce
3.Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to
have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet
4.Dear God,
If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer
Horton- because I hate her.
Denise
5.Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you
will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend, (I am not going to tell you who I am).
6.God,
I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
7.Dear God,
How did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene
8.Dear God,
Is it true my Father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in
the house?
Anita
9.Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole
world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan
10.Dear God,
Did you really mean, Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You? If you did then
I'm going to get even with my brother.
Darla
11.Dear God,
I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made
up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glen
12.Dear God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back
do you go?
Love, Dennis
13.Dear God,
Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?
Nan
14.Dear God,
It's O.K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up
sometimes?
Arnold
15.Dear God,
Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
16.Dear God,
In bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer
17.Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything
you wanted.
Jane
18.Dear God,
How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any
now?
Seymour
19.Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter
20.Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had
their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry
21.Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't
forget.
Mark
22.Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both
ways before I cross the street.
Dean
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compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune...
pops |
