" WMD uncovered and the ? Jesse Connection?
May 24, 2003
New York City Times News Service
J. Sin Blair
In a somewhat unexpected discovery, all of the missing or unaccounted for WMD, which President Bush and Prime Minister Blair were so adamant existed, have been found in Iraq. It was all at a single location, outside of Saddam Hussein?s home town of Tikrit. ?It was a huge cache and an incredible discovery.?, an anonymous defense source admits. ?All of the so-called ?missing? and ?unaccounted? for WMD were loaded into one single delivery system. It was a shocking, stunning discovery!?
An unnamed, but reliable Pentagon source, stated that hundreds and thousands of liters of anthrax, botchulinum toxin, small pox, camel pox, plague, ricin poison, VX nerve agent, mustard and sarin gas, had been loaded into a specially designed and constructed launch vehicle. The vehicle was made entirely of specially reinforced aluminum tubing, of the type used in gas centrifuges that are employed to enrich uranium to a weapons grade material. The vehicle shockingly also contained several nuclear warheads and unconventional nuclear devices, also know as ?dirty bombs.? It also appears that the entire launch crew and support staff were Palestinian members of Hamas, Islamic Jihad, and the Al Aqsa Martyrs? Brigade. This story was confirmed in the latest secret meeting I had with the father of recently rescued and heroic American POW, PFC Jessica Lynch. For additional privacy, unlike on our previous meetings, we actually stepped off of the ideal and nostalgic, ?all-American? front porch of his West Virginia farm house, and actually took a walk in the tobacco fields that can be seen from where we usually spoke.
?This is why we have been so quiet, but now the truth needs to be heard. I want to make sure that Jesse?s sacrifice wasn?t for nothing, and those brave soldiers get credit where credit is due.? Mr. Lynch revealed. He continued, ?The BBC story that came out the other day had it right, but for all the wrong reasons.? After hesitating a brief moment and looking about, he explained further. ?Jesse was part of a secret commando squad. They were to purposely get captured so they could get behind enemy lines. You see, Jesse called me and told me that she?d be going on this special mission to locate a bad, bad weapon, and that she was the only one tiny enough to fit in the hole where it was supposed to be hidden.?
Mr. Lynch then went on to explain that once captured, American and Polish Special Forces, posing as Iraqi soldiers and Fayadeen Saddam, staged the much publicized ?execution video? shown on Iraqi State TV and Al Jeezera. This was to cover for the fact that the top secret ?Jesse?s Raiders? team was progressing to their target, according to plan. After being captured by Iraqi soldiers, who were really Australian Special Forces using blanks, they dressed as journalist from MSNBC, who were seen as friendly by the Saddam regime, and thus allowed to move about freely. Then the racially diverse squad quickly proceeded north in a mad dash to find, and if needed, disarm or destroy the weaponry. While on the road to Tikrit, they had to make an unexpected stop just north of Karbala. The team had met with an unexpected and unplanned obstacle. ?Such is the fog of war?, explained Mr. Lynch.
It appears that the group had run out of Jesse?s favorite type of MRE, ?Turkey with mashed potatoes, carrots, and apple sauce? and couldn?t go any further. According to Mr. Lynch "It was a close one! The military didn?t know what to do!? The solution seems to have been found by the politically motivated Karl Rove, who secretly consulted with well-known conservative radio talk show host, ?Dr. Laura?. Evidently she devised the brilliant solution to the problem. ?Within hours, orders went out that an Apache helicopter, carrying a special load of MREs, was to be sent in to get Jesse her chow.?, explained Mr. Lynch. ?That?s why the chopper was empty, locked up, and there were no holes in it when they showed it on TV. They were supposed to land, get out, and take her the MREs. She was refusing to go on without ?em. After all, today?s Army makes promises to the troops, and if they don?t keep ?em, the troops have rights and a legal contract! They are all volunteers, you know. My Jesse might be a country girl, but she ain?t stupid! No sir!?
?It seems the Army can train it?s soldiers to be smart enough to fly a helicopter, but not to be able to make a food delivery fast enough to get away without being caught. I guess the never ran moonshine like we have to do around here. Then again, one of them boys was from Texas and the other was from Georgia. I can?t expect them to be all that bright.? Remarked Mr. Lynch, revealing the truth about the capture of the pilots from the 101st. It seems that even their shoot-down was also staged, and hidden from the American public; even with embedded reporters densely placed in Iraq. ?I guess that?s why that one boy looked so mad, eating bread an water! He?d really been captured, when Jesse?s groups had been smart enough to fake their capture. Add to that he just given them all plenty of turkey to eat!?
The group then proceeded north and discovered the WMD and the launch vehicle. As indicated by intelligence provided by Kurdish Peshmerga fighters, they were inside the enormous mosque that Saddam had ordered built in Takrit. Five days later, Kurdish fighters and American Special Forces rushed into the city in order to create a diversion and distract the media. By that time, PFC Lynch was once again out of her favorite MREs, explained her father. As such, she left the mission and proceeded south on her own. ?I don?t blame her!?, exclaimed her father. ?If they can?t do their part, why should my Jesse have to do her part? At least she did ?em a favor and located the stuff!?
This fits in with the timeline of events, as they occurred. PFC Lynch was ?rescued? in the southern Iraq, near Al-Kut, a little over a week before the fall of Tikrit. The Apache helicopter was ?downed? near Karbala just days after PFC Lynch had been ?captured? near Al-Naseria. The remaining ?POWs? were found in the north, over a week after PFC Lynch?s ?rescue.? They were ?found? by Marines who were on their way to Takrit. It is now believed that was a mission to extract the remaining commandos from Lynch?s group. It is believed the commandos had gone into Baghdad to see if they could locate the Apache helicopter, in hopes of getting more MREs. However, they knew that they?d need to keys to unlock the helicopter, so they rescued the two pilots along the way. Unfortunately, they did not know that the helicopter had been destroyed and they had made a wasted trip. They did not discover this information until they rescued the pilots and were told as much. This would explain why the entire group, except PFC Lynch, were together when ?found.? It would also explain not only why PFC Lynch requested, ?Turkey, mashed potatoes, carrots, and apple sauce? upon her return, while the remainder of the ?POWs? stated they did not want to eat chicken and rice ever again. It would seem that they, too, wanted the same MREs as Jesse. It can now be said with growing confidence that there is the possibility that the hospitalization of PFC Lynch is actually a cover up for what would be an embarrassing Court Martial proceeding against Lynch. It can be ascertained that she repeatedly refused to complete her mission without her favorite MREs, as well as leaving her post when she did not get what she wanted. Now she has ?amnesia? and the remain ?POWs? have been ?sent on leave.? As the WMD were actually discovered, but not destroyed by this commando team, having a public Court Martial would have not been in the interests of the Army. It not only would have revealed sensitive intelligence sources methods, but would have publicly displayed a failure in discipline and morale, as well as the fact that specifically making a commando unit as diverse as possible, simply for the sake of diversity, did not make it any more effective.
Fortunately, a Navy SEAL Team disarmed and extracted the weapon from its launch pad, which was under the dome of that huge mosque in Tikrit. Secret records, now destroyed in the looting of Baghdad, showed that the WMD warhead portions of the launch vehicle were removed and sent to Tajikistan for examination. The launch vehicle, itself, was moved to a missile test firing range at White Sands New Mexico. Confidential sources state that the increase in activity of the National Guard in New Mexico, which was publicly attributed to a terrorist threat targeting the largest nuclear power plant in the U.S., was actually a related cover story. It was used to enable increased security for the movement and test firing of the captured launch vehicle, in order to determine it?s capabilities, as well as the possible the of it?s manufacture. Although not yet known, it is suspected the launch vehicle was of a French design. However, this cannot be confirmed at this time. |
