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Politics : Canadian Political Free-for-All -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SofaSpud who wrote (2699)	5/30/2003 9:13:27 AM
From: DeplorableIrredeemableRedneck	Respond to of 37985

Jean Chrétien as imagined by Don Martin Being a columnist is a dream of mine National Post Thursday, May 29, 2003 They tell me a columnist is a white knight who rides over the hill after the battle and shoots the wounded. So, for me, being a columnist is like a dream of mine for, you know, since a long time. It's better than being a dictator. Shoot the wounded. Like Paul Martin. No. Strike that. Make that George W. Bush. You know, for the record I never said he was a moron. Ditto for Bush. Seriously. We are friends, George and I. He plays golf. I play golf. We just do not play golf together. Why would I? I've played with Tiger Woods. I've played with Bill Clinton. It's fun with Clinton. Bill, he takes a lousy shot and says "Jean, what dya think? That was a practise shot, right?" So he takes another. And another. Nothing counts. If he doesn't like his score, he calls an election. No, sorry. That's me. But for me, watching Clinton playing in the bush is better than spending time with Bush playing like Clinton. We talk instead, Bush and me. I called him up on the phone this week to talk a little baseball. I could've talked about cows, but he'd get mad about it. Actually, I forgot to bring it up. Mad beef's an Alberta problem. We have two seats there. So I put pepper on my plate and watched the media lap it up the photo-op. Anyways, I already said it best in 1997: "When you look at the future of agriculture, you realize that food will become very important in the years to come." I do not understand why reporters thought that was so funny. I was serious. But I really can't figure out Bush. He is a Republican with a monster budget deficit. I am a Liberal with a growing budget surplus. I am a Catholic in favour of abortion. He is not a Catholic and very pro-life. Unless if you live in in Iraq. Or Afghanistan. Then it's death by shock and awe. Now, my friends in the news business say I am preoccupied with leaving a legacy. I refer to my actual quote on this matter: "I will not spend one minute on my legacy." This is absolutely true. I will spend months on my legacy. What will it be? Well, I have raised millions of dollars from corporations for my party. Now I want it all to stop. If my MPs do not pass a ban on corporate donations, I will call an election and use up all the corporate donations they have in the bank to fight for re-election. That'll teach them. I have also created 450,000 criminal records in 10 years by keeping a law charging kids for smoking pot. Now I will stop that by giving them a ticket and invite anyone convicted to apply for a pardon. Except for Don Martin. His record stands no matter what. So it's not a legacy I'm building. It's actually soothing a guilty conscience. OK, so I see the West is still alienated. They want action on the Senate. I will give it to them. As I've told Albertans repeatedly, I have relatives in that province. I never see them as prime minister, but I'll see them in retirement after they stuff every vacant Senate seat. Before I go, I wish to restate the way I operated as a prime minister by referring to a quote I gave the press in 1998: "I don't have to make decisions, I am the leader." This obvious insight is overlooked by everybody. As I told the media in French a few years ago, to prove my proficient fluency in both official languages: "Am I the only one around here with half a brain?" dmartin@nationalpost.com © Copyright 2003 National Post