friday funnies...
CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE.......
The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
A cucumber won't tell you size don't count.
Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket... and you know how firm it
is
before you take it home.
Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
With a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check
in as 'Mrs. Cucumber'.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
You can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie.
At a drive in you can stay in the front seat.
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.
A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival.
A cucumber won't ask: 'Am I first?'
Cucumbers don't care if you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes
over.
You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
You only eat cucumbers when YOU feel like it.
You don't have to wait for halftime to talk to your cucumber.
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A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
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stoopid joke of the week...
A man and an ostrich walk into a bar. The man says, "I'll have
a beer, turns to the ostrich and says,"What's yours?" "I'll have a beer
too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please."The
man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for the
payment of the two beers.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says,
"I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "How nice! I'll have the
very same thing." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
the exact change.
This becomes a routine, the man always ordering...and the ostrich
always agreeing and ordering exactly the same drink, until late one evening,
the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's
close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch," says the man. "Same for
me," says the ostrich happily.
"That will be $7.20 says the bartender." Once again the man pulls exact
change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the EXACT change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning an old attic
and found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything at all, I could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount
of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something like that, but you'll always be as rich as
you need to be for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
Finally the bartender asks, "One other thing, sir...what's with the
ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a really agreeable chick
with long legs."
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intelligence test...see how many you get right...please dont cheat...
Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of
intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if
you are losing it ! (i didn't pass the second question...rolling on the floor)
OK, relax, clear your mind and....... begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go
do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go
to question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not
attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may
even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said,
"water" then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is
made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a
black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these
questions????? Dang..... If you said "glass", then you can go on to question four.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is; flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
into West Germany and East Germany. During the flight, TWO of the
engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also
failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine
fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no
man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the
survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said
ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone
from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. ...... If you
said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every
minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other
than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but
you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the
room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London
to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In
Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get
off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five
people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You
then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, you dummy. Read the first line!!!
make it this far? good for you! you're pretty smart... just wait for next years test...
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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches:
"Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssombody stole my car," the man replies.
The cop asks: "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thiss key," the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to
see. He asks the man: "Sir are you aware that you are
exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch
and, without missing a beat, blurts out - "SON OF A GUN -- THEY GOT MY
GIRLFRIEND,TOO!!!!"
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and finally...
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something... When she returned with tea and
cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he
could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said," I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the
bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall
and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on
the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't
had a cold all winter."
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
pops |
