lol...friday funnies...
Quote For The Week:
"Condoms aren't completely safe.
A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification. When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver
up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard. "See that?" said the trucker. The man said, "Yeah." The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?" The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
=========================
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a
white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy
in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want
to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named
. . . . 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'"
=======================
stoopid joke of the week...
A man's car was in the garage again.
The owner said, "Actually, just yelling at that thing often
helps. You have to yell just right. There are professionals who, after years
of training and specialized emotional therapy, can handle that for you
if you can't figure it out."
"Of course, you already knew that a well-adjusted car berater can
solve a lot of problems!"
=======================
Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)
How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)
Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)
====================
warning!
Redneck Sex Quiz (rated R)
1) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
or [False]?
2) Asphalt describes rectal problems.
or [False]?
3) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
or [False]?
4) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a
Heart Attack.
or [False]?
5) The clitoris is a type of flower.
or [False]?
6) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
or [False]?
7) Semen is a term for sailors.
or [False]?
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
or [False]?
9) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
or [False]?
10) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
or [False]?
11) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
or [False]?
12) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
or [False]?
13) Coitus is a musical instrument.
or [False]?
14) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
or [False]?
15) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
or [False]?
16) A condom is a large apartment complex.
or [False]?
17) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a
church choir.
or [False]?
18) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
or [False]?
19) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
or [False]?
20) An erection is when Japanese people vote.
or [False]?
21) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
or [False]?
22) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing
grass.
or [False]?
23) Pornography is the business of making
records.
or [False]?
24) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
or [False]?
25) Douche is the French word for "twelve.".
or [False]?
=========================
Dan Rather is interviewing Monica and said, "Monica, this trouble
will pass and you're still young and have a future in front of you.
What would you like to do with the rest of your life?"
Monica said, "Well, Dan, I have thought of going back to school."
Dan said, "That is a great idea. What would you like to be?"
Monica said, "I would like to be a Neurologist."
Dan laughed and said, "You'll never make it as a doctor.. You sucked
as an intern."
==========================
One night Buffy, a blonde, teenage girl, brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance; leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Buffy,"said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the blonde daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
=============================
Back in the 1800s, when Canada's founding fathers gathered to discuss and plan independence from England the issue of what to call this new country naturally came up. One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to the south did and pitched the idea. "USA is simple. It's catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that's our name. What do you think, eh?"
Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them.
"C, eh......N, eh.......D, eh"
==================================
and finally...
A blonde, brunette and redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and dumps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper." After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
pops |
