Minnie and Max had been married for 18 years. As Minnie grew older and
less attractive, Max became disinterested and his libido started to wane
dramatically. In desperation, Minnie hauled him before a marriage
counsellor. The marriage counsellor listened patiently to Minnie's
complaints and to Max's protestations. Max said he was being nagged
unmercifully Minnie said that Max was causing her anguish.
Finally, the marriage counsellor issued a verdict.
"Max," he said, "from now on, no matter how you feel, you must give
Minnie her conjugal rights at least semi-annually."
Minnie was delighted and they left the counsellor's chambers. On the
way downstairs she nudged Max, "Tell me Max, how many times a week is
semi-annually?"
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A little boy went up to his mother and asked:
"Mom, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The mother replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it
from your father, 'cause I still have mine."
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"Mr. Lessard, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give
your wife $775 a week. "
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian Mountain man,
was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued
him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his
second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army
dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock
strap. The Army is still looking for him...
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A very shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful
woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally
goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you
mind if I brought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No,
I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally,
the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and
he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really
sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will
not pay $300!"
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Top Ten Signs That The Guy Mugging You Has Never Mugged Before...
10. After taking money, asks if you want a receipt...
9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and poles...
8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some Chapstick7
When he's done he says, "That was fun, now you mug me"...
6. You're a policeman in full uniform, standing right in front of the
station house, surrounded by fellow officers carrying assault rifles...
5. When you yell "stop thief". . . he does...
4. During police line-up he waves to you and shouts "remember me"...
3. Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if Sienfeld hadn't been cancelled...
2. He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the baby and Marla"...
1. Accepts IOU's...and phone cards...
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just wonderin'...
1. If someone puts on a pair of shoes there's a 50/50
chance of getting them on the correct feet. So why does
my preschooler put them on the wrong feet 95% of the time?
2. How come I don't feel the hundreds of fire ants crawling
on my feet until they are all assembled and give the "all
bite" signal?
3. Did the person who invented playdough have carpet?
4. If blinking only takes a fraction of a second, how are
the majority of people able to capture someone doing it
at least twice on a 24 picture roll of film?
5. Why do stores put in 25 check-out lanes, and then only open two?
6. How are children able to distinguish and disdain the
taste of liver and spinach, but have no problem consuming
soap, crayons, paste and playdough?
7. If we can see the moon during the day, can the people
in China see it, since it is nighttime there?
8. Why does my local library only have one copy of Raggedy
Ann, which is always in use, but always has 45 copies of various
Harry Potter books on the shelves?
9. Why is it so easy for me to fall asleep in front of the
television with noise galore, but then be wide awake when
I try to go to bed?
10. If my skin is constantly shedding, why won't my various scars and moles fall off?
11. If my windows and doors are closed, where does all the dust come from?
12. Why are men put in charge of ships in an ocean, satellites
in outerspace, and tanks in the desert, but they can't seem to
find the ketchup bottle in the refrigerator?
13. Have you noticed that a good haircut grows out twice as fast as a bad one?
14. If spiderwebs are made by spiders, what makes cobwebs... cobs?
15. Why does the day have fewer hours since I became a Father?
What did I do with all the free time I had before?
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and finally...
stoopid joke of the week...
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could. The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything. They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the
tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to - it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop. "Hey!" he said "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
pops |
