Ahh, this lightens up the day! I only get my Credit Card Marketeers on my Cell Phone. And read what happened to the Phone people because of it!
Aug. 29, 2003, 7:08PM
Telemarketers aren't calling it quits
By DAVE BARRY
Knight Ridder Tribune
There's just over a year to go before the 2004 presidential election, and everybody in the nation is extremely excited. Except, of course, the public. The public, shrewdly, pays no attention to presidential politics until all of the peripheral dorks have been weeded out and it's finally time to make a selection between the two main dorks left.
So what does the public care about right now? Telemarketers. The public hates them. It hates them even more than it hates France, low-flow toilets or "customer service."
We know this because recently the Federal Trade Commission, implementing the most popular federal concept since the Elvis stamp, created the National Do Not Call Registry. The way it works is, if you are a member of that select group of people (defined as "people with phones") who do not wish to receive unsolicited calls from telemarketers, you can go to www.donotcall.gov and register your phone number. Starting Oct. 1, any telemarketer who calls you will be locked in a tiny room with a large, insatiable man who will force the telemarketer, repeatedly, at all hours of the day and night, to change his long-distance provider.
No, sorry, that was the original concept. But the law is pretty strict: For each call to a registered number, telemarketers face an $11,000 fine. This program is a huge hit with the public. Already 30 million American households have registered; this figure would be even higher if it included all the Florida residents who tried to register but accidentally voted for Patrick Buchanan instead.
And how has the telemarketing industry responded to this tidal wave of public hostility? It has issued this statement: "Gosh, if these people really don't want us to call them, then there's no point in our calling them! We'd only be making them hate us more, and that's just plain stupid! We'll try to come up with a less offensive way to do business."
No, wait, that's what the telemarketers would say in Bizarro World, where everything is backward, and Superman is bad, and telemarketers contain human DNA. Here on Earth, the telemarketers are claiming they have a constitutional right to call people who do not want to be called. They base this claim on Article VX, Section iii, row 5, seat 2, of the U.S. Constitution, which states: "If anybody ever invents the telephone, Congress shall pass no law prohibiting salespeople from using it to interrupt dinner."
Leading the charge for the telemarketing industry is the American Teleservices Association (suggested motto: "Some Day, We Will Get a Dictionary and Look Up `Services' "
This group argues that, if its members are prohibited from calling people who do not want to be called, then 2 million telemarketers will lose their jobs. Of course, you could use pretty much the same reasoning to argue that laws against mugging cause unemployment among muggers. But that would be unfair. Muggers rarely intrude into your home.
So what's the answer? Is there a constitutional way that we telephone customers can have our peace, without inconveniencing the people whose livelihoods depend on keeping their legal right to inconvenience us? Maybe we could pay the telemarketing industry not to call us, kind of like paying "protection money" to organized crime.
I'm just thinking out loud here. I'm sure you have a better idea for how we can resolve our differences with the telemarketing industry. If you do, call me. No, wait, I have a better idea: Call the American Teleservices Association, toll-free, at 877-779-3974, and tell them what you think. I'm sure they'd love to hear your constitutionally protected views! Be sure to wipe your mouthpiece afterward.
Mark your calendar with a big "X" on Sept. 19, which is the second annual National Talk Like a Pirate Day. This is the day when everybody is supposed to talk like a pirate for very solid reasons (see www.talklikeapirate.com).
Last year, the first National Talk Like a Pirate Day was a huge success, as measured by the number of messages on my answering machine from people going "Arrrrr." So if you're feeling depressed -- if you think the world is in terrible shape, and one person like yourself can't make a difference -- remember this: You're right. So you might as well talk like a pirate. It's easy! For example, when you answer the phone, instead of "Hello," you say "Ahoy!"
Then you hang up. Scurvy telemarrrrrketers!
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HoustonChronicle.com -- houstonchronicle.com | Section: Houston Lifestyle & Features
This article is: chron.com
Syndicated columnist Dave Barry's Aug. 31 article on telemarketers may have been in jest, but it's been no laughing matter to the American Teleservices Association, which blames the article for jamming up its toll-free number.
Barry's article, titled "Ask not what telemarketers can do to you" in the Miami Herald where it was originally published, included the ATA's toll-free telephone number and invited readers to call and "tell them what you think." Hundreds of newspapers also published the article, which was distributed by Tribune Media Services.
The article generated thousands of phone calls to the ATA number, said Tim Searcy, ATA executive director. As a result, the association switched the number, which it formerly answered live, to a voice recording. The recording advises callers that the organization is unable to take the call because of "overwhelming positive response to recent media" and asks that they leave a message.
Some of the calls were from people in the teleservices industry offering their support, he said. Others were negative, and some contained profanity.
The ATA received no warning about the article from Barry or anyone connected with him, Searcy said. The association first learned about the column when it received calls from fact checkers at about 100 newspapers checking whether the phone number was correct prior to printing the article.
Though meant as a prank, the Barry column has had harmful consequences for the ATA, Searcy said. An ATA staffer has spent about five hours a day for the past six days monitoring the voice mail and clearing out messages.
Nevertheless, Searcy said the effect on the ATA has been minimal and that it hasn't complained to Barry or taken follow-up action.
A spokeswoman for Tribune Media Services said efforts by Tribune Media to contact Barry's representatives for comment were unsuccessful yesterday.
"I certainly respect First Amendment rights," Searcy said. "Those are the same rights we're fighting for right now."
Calls appeared to slow near the end of the week after the article initially published but seem to have surged again this week as more newspapers printed the Barry piece, Searcy said. He said he expected the calls to last another few weeks and had no plans to change the ATA phone number.
"If it continues for a greater period of time, we might have to choose another solution," he said. |
