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Politics : Sharks in the Septic Tank -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: epicure who wrote (77038)	10/9/2003 9:33:48 AM
From: epicure	Respond to of 82486

This is interesting: (number 10 is icky, imo- since all that matter to me IS content- but I guess if you are running emotionally based software on your human system, number 10 would be for you) Windweaver's Webweaver Wisdom BEYOND FLAMING: HOW TO FIGHT FAIR ONLINE posted on the Netdynam mailing list 6/96; revised 4/97 copyright 1996, 1997 by Tracy Marks Boston area psychotherapist and Internet trainer Feeling hurt or angry after reading an email message from friend, family member, colleague or online acquaintance? Here are twelve guidelines for conflict resolution via email - many of them also useful for in-person relationships. 1. Clarify the INTENT of your communication. Is it primarily to justify yourself or are you seeking resolution with the other party? Can you do both? 2. Try to maintain AWARENESS of the other person on the receiving end, and the effect your communication is likely to have upon him or her. Attempt to be conscious of both SELF and OTHER as you write. 3. Write as DIRECTLY and clearly as possible. Consider how the other person might misinterpret your language, and take more time to explain thoughts that might easily be misinterpreted. 4. If the other person understands them, use EMOTICONS or other forms of Internet shorthand (such as <grin> <frown> <wink) if doing so helps clarify your communication. Sometimes, using emoticons (such as :-) for smiling, or :-( for frowning) understood by both parties can help lighten the interaction, and ease the conflict. If the other person doesn't understand the emoticon, you can still use it - just indicate its meaning! (For a list and description of recommended emoticons, see our recommended emoticons page). 5. Establish some EMPATHIC resonance with the other person first ....agreeing or joining him in his thoughts or feelings, before moving away and further explaining your point of view. Don't start by putting him on the defensive. Let him know you hear him. 6. Be aware that due to your personal history, and the fears or desires that you hold in regard to the other person, that you may misinterpret his or her message. If you're not sure about his or her meaning or intent, communicate your confusion. ASK before you make assumptions which may not be accurate, and before you treat those assumptions as if they are fact. 7. Take RESPONSIBILITY for your part in the conflict, and try to find and express the part of yourself that generally regrets the role you played, and wishes to meet the other halfway. If you know you are overreacting, acknowledge it (and the past baggage you carry). APOLOGIZE...honestly and sincerely. 8. DON'T HIT below the belt. If you know the other person's vulnerabilities, stay away from them, as tempted as you may feel to score a bullseye. If you need to do so, write a long email message targetting the other person headon, then delete it...or bitch to your offline friends. Don't send a response until you have at least some investment in ending the battle, rather than merely intensifying it. 9. If you need TIME to work through your raw feelings or clarify your reactions and thoughts or to feel ready to communicate openly with the other person, take the time. Take as long as you need. If you can. Let the other person know you need time out to process, and will return when you've cooled off and are ready to engage in a real attempt at resolution. 10. Don't get lost in the content of the argument. Stay close to how you feel and how the other person feels. Aim to heal the hurt or angry FEELINGS rather than change the other's perception of reality. He/she may not be able to see your point of view. 11. If a part of you seeks the other person's validation, take the time with yourself to VALIDATE yourself, and let go of attachment to their response. If you need some validation from others before you can do such letting go, then communicate with a friend who is not involved in the conflict and seek validation from him or her. 12. Know when to LET GO. You may not be able to change another person's perceptions or interpretations of a situation, and may have to validate yourself or look for validation elsewhere if the other person can't fully grasp your point of view. Aim to ACCEPT your differences and your separateness, to let go of the issue, to say, "Ok, this is my experience, and this is yours, and we're not going to get anywhere by pursuing this further. We have different perceptions and memories. So I'll allow you to exist with a different reality than my own reality, and hopefully we can both move on...." ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: Thanks to the listmembers of NetDynam, and especially Roy Winkler, for inspiring the above guidelines. windweaver.com

To: epicure who wrote (77038)	10/9/2003 9:43:32 AM
From: epicure	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 82486

The most important principles of constructive posting Take a constructive attitude. Think of everyone as fellow explorers comparing ideas in the pursuit of mutual edification. Flaming is not usually a flaw or sickness of a single individual: rather, it is a plague that affects the majority; it is a widespread mode of interaction. Learn how to keep to the constructive, stripped-down mode, and not resonate with the flaming mode. Be extremely terse in how you say things, though you may include a large amount of concisely written information. Let all the flaming and junk (and chit-chat) that comes to mind just slip off like Teflon. Avoid sarcasm and irony. Talk straight.. Deal straight with people. Practice having a perfectly flat, even zombie-like lack of affect. Be neither angry nor chummy. Flaming and humor are two sides of the same bogus coin. A little sprinkling of wit can add seasoning, but only after you have mastered dealing straight with people even when they flame you. Learn how to assess any expression or phrase: is it signal, or is it noise? Install a mental filter so that you only let the signal through, whether you are writing or reading. Let all the noise, all the flaming, shunt to ground through its own force. Post specific criticisms of specific assertions; otherwise your vague comments carry no weight other than a vote of disagreement. When someone flames you, either don't respond at all, or respond as follows: rewrite their message to de-flame it and whittle it down only to their substantial point. If there is anything left, respond to that point. Often they allude or imply some set of assumptions. Express this assumption, which is often some sort of cliched stance and attitude, and then respond rationally. De-personalize the postings. Avoid the pronouns "I" and "you" as much as possible. Address general attitudes floating around, instead. Only post material that is good and positive enough to publish on your personal Web site. If people would not want to read your posting in the context of your personal Web site, then the posting is not worth that much in the newsgroups either. Most postings fail this test; they are noise, flaming, junk, and chit-chat. For some good examples, check out the character of the postings in the alt...postmodern and the better postings in the ....philosophy.misc newsgroups. The programming newsgroups have many constructive, to-the-point postings as well. The net has great potential, and it can and should realize this potential. The first step you can take to save the net is to serve as an example of nonviolent response -- that is, dedication to the constructive attitude. This group and the net at large probably have a higher than average IQ but the standards and role models are sorely lacking, so far. Spread the word, set an example, and we'll all benefit greatly. The importance of good composition skills for online posting Spelling is important. Clear communication is required to get your thoughts across and to keep the focus on the subject at hand. Grammar, usage, punctuation, spelling, capitalization, and so on are important. Correct writing makes writing transparent, so that the ideas shine through more clearly. Especially if the ideas are complex. I encourage everyone to develop their writing skills and take that extra time to read and fix typos and grammatical errors before sending. I can feel my writing skills developing rapidly because of my greater care in online postings. It's important in the same way that speaking intelligibly is. It's a good feeling to increasingly master writing. I wouldn't worry about the occasional typo or poorly formed expression, but there should not be several. I wish the newsreaders had spellcheckers, and very good ones. The Word spellchecker is useless for me -- it only seems to be a 6-th grade dictionary. But most errors could be caught quickly enough if the writer skimmed and fixed them before posting. You can read a carefully written posting faster than a garbled one. Writing mistakes are distracting and bring down the overall quality of net communication. egodeath.com