Democrats bare all in thoroughly underwhelming debate
COLUMBIA, SC. Nine democratic hopefuls fought desperately Saturday night for some semblance of a platform on which to launch their presidential candidacies in 2004.
In a 90-minute televised debate from the University of South Carolina, presidential hopefuls Sen. John Edwards, Rep. Richard Gephardt, Sen. Bob Graham, Sen. John Kerry, Rep. Dennis Kucinich, activist Al Sharpton, former Sen. Carol Mosely-Braun, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean and Sen. Joseph Lieberman squabbled intensely over finding something that might spark even the remotest public interest in the Democratic party. ABCNEWS’ This Week anchor and former Clinton advisor George Stephanopoulos served as moderator. (more...)
Early front-running topics included health care, defense, national security, the war on terrorism, and the economy. Despite several minutes of heavy brainstorming, which included a paper easel & colored markers, an overhead project & grease-pencil, and as many as 3 pitchers of ice water, none of the candidates could come up with a cohesive campaign base.
Dick Gephardt was clearly thrown off-balance by the number of aspiring candidates. “Who the hell are you people?” he asked during the opening moments of the debate. “I know I’ve seen a few of you around Capitol Hill, but I thought you were delivering sandwiches or something. I have no clue who the rest of you are. I’m supposed to debate the reasons for my candidacy with you? Fine. I’ve wanted the Presidency for, like, years now. I called it first.”
Former Vice-Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman retorted Gephardt’s claim. “I had to run alongside Gore the last time. I’m still picking chads out of my hair. I should be in the mini-White House or whatever it’s called right now. Instead, I’m sitting in this crummy gymnasium with you dweebs. It smells like B.O. in here.”
“Well, I’m firmly against the President’s current tax cut proposals,” said Bob Graham of Florida. The American taxpayers have the right to be taxed without fear of having that money ever being made available to them again.”
“You moron,” said former Governor Dean, who touted his credentials as both a governor and a doctor. “People already think we’re tax freaks. What we need is something new. Check this out: ‘President Howard Dean, MD’. A doctor in the White House! Everybody trusts their doctor. I’ll come up with some kind of ‘Prescription for America’ or something. Everybody trusts their doctor!”
“Yeah, a quack candidate with a stethoscope hanging around his neck is gonna sweep the country,” said Senator Kerry. “Who’s gonna be your running mate, Dr. Kevorkian?”
“Can it, Rambo,” cut in Mosely-Braun. “We need to focus on character and style. The President just flew an Air Force jet, landed it on the USS Abraham Lincoln in front of a cheering crew and millions of viewers, paraded his tight buns around in his flight suit, and declared victory in a very successful war. That’s blatant, testosterone-filled showing off, if you ask me. We haven’t seen anything like this since Teddy Roosevelt. Now, what have we got that demonstrates our strong yet controlled leadership?”
All nine presidential hopefuls fell into a protracted moment of silence, fidgeting and throat-clearing. Stephanopoulos, who appeared visibly dazed throughout most of the debate, finally asked Dennis Kucinich to comment.
“Well, not all of us have access to cool military planes and aircraft carriers, you know, “ said the Representative from Ohio. “However, I can state for the record that I parked my American-made Chevy Cavalier successfully on the third deck of this University’s parking garage, and there were several students and a garage attendant on hand to witness the event.”
Stephanopoulos asked the candidates if they thought that the Presidents’ popularity over the war with Iraq and the defeat of Saddam Hussein’s decades of oppression would carry through to the 2004 election.
“We’ve been oppressed ever since the white man brought our forefathers here in chains!” cried Al Sharpton. “The people of this country want the illegal symbol of oppression purged of its unjust inhabitants! I will not stand by while this domicile of inequity continues to be infested with sorry-ass honkies like you!”
“Yeah, you’ll be moving in real soon with that Donna Reed hairdo you go goin’ there,” said Kerry. “Jesus, we suck.”
Later in the debate, candidates had the chance to pose one question to a fellow candidate. Lieberman asked Representative Kucinich about his background.
“Who ARE you?” asked Lieberman. “No, I mean it. Does anybody know this guy?”
Former Governor Dean directed his question at Stephanopolous.
"Where can I get my parking stub validated? That's part of the deal, right?" |
