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Politics : THE VAST RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: calgal who wrote (5256)	1/5/2004 8:22:05 PM
From: calgal	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 6358

Hot Flash By Marni Soupcoff And Then He Saw the Polls... Previous Hot Flashes 12/31 - Letter Perfect 12/30 - Baseball, Sleds, and Lawyers 12/29 - Ms. Leo Predicts 2004 12/24 - Posting a Profit Click here to access the Hot Flash archives. All right, we all realize that politicians do a lot of posing. Their main objective in life is, after all, to get elected—a task that frequently involves a lot of infant-smooching, flesh-pressing, and stretching of the truth. So, it's no big surprise that politicians will often do and say whatever they think it will take to please as many people as possible. Al Gore traveled all the way back in time and invented the entire Internet just to help plump up his CV, for goodness sakes. But despite this knowledge of the way politicians operate, not to mention being a natural-born cynic, I was still more than a little surprised when Democratic hopeful Howard Dean abruptly found religion last month. Yes, the apparently secular Dean, who is married to a Jewish woman and is raising his two children Jewish, has suddenly announced to the Boston Globe that he is really a "committed believer in Jesus Christ." Indeed, Dean is evidently so bursting with insights about Jesus that he can barely contain himself and plans to pepper references to his savior throughout his speeches as he campaigns in the South. Could Dean's newfound Christianity possibly be a calculated tactic to nab votes in the Southern primaries? Is it maybe, just maybe, a deliberate attempt to eventually steal votes from George Bush, who dominated the South in the last election (Florida debacle notwithstanding)? It's hard even to ask the questions with a straight face. Dean fits the role of the pious devout Christian about as comfortably as Democratic Presidential candidate Michael Dukakis fit into a combat helmet while perched aboard a tank. Just how religious is Dean, really? So religious that he left the Episcopal Church in the 1980s, not over any theological or philosophical quarrel, but because of a dispute over the construction of a bike-path. (The cold-blooded Church had sided with landowners who wanted to maintain their private property rights, while Dean had come passionately to the defense of the as-of-yet-unbuilt inanimate ribbon of asphalt.) Dean told the Boston Globe that he didn't think opposing the bike-path "was very God-like." Neither, one would imagine, is casually working Jesus into one's speeches in a transparent effort to grab votes. But then religion is a very private thing, according to Dean, so perhaps he's brokered his own special deal with the man upstairs that the rest of us simply can't understand. The real question is will the voters buy Dean's new religious act? I think the chances of that are about as good as the odds of the following ditty I composed in Dean's honor reaching the Billboard Top Ten. Dean's a Believer (Sung to the tune of the Monkees' I'm a Believer) I thought God was Only true for Republicans Meant for some white trash But not for me God was just so kitschy That's the way it seemed Wind-powered energy Was more for me And then I saw the polls Now I'm a believer Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm pi-ous I'm a believer I couldn't leave God If I tried I thought God was More or less for low-class dupes But the less I prayed the worse I polled, oh yeah What's the harm in claiming Jesus is my guy Southern votes got me kneeling That's no lie And then I saw the polls Now I'm a believer Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm pi-ous I'm a believer I couldn't leave God If I tried God was just so tacky That's the way it seemed Organic pilafs Were more for me And then I saw the polls Now I'm a believer Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm pi-ous I'm a believer I couldn't leave God If I tried Then I saw the polls Now I'm a believer Not a trace Of doubt in my mind Now I'm a believer Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm a believer I'm a believer I'm a believer And if you love dogs, I'm a retriever And if you're a football fan, I'm a receiver And if you're into wool, I'm a weaver Marni Soupcoff's column appears on Monday at TAEmag.com.