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Pastimes : 100 Acre Wood -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Augustus Gloop who wrote (3253)	2/1/2004 3:04:09 PM
From: Lost1	Respond to of 3287

How to tell presidential from the rest Sunday, February 1, 2004 Let's take an in-depth look at what's presidential and what's not presidential so folks can figure out who is electable in this crazy election year. That's the question on everyone's lips ever since former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean screamed, "Yeeeaarrrrrrrgggggh." Imagine Washington crossing the Delaware screaming, "Yeeeaarrrrrrrgggggh," and the boat tips over, and Washington has to swim to shore in all those clothes. That's not presidential. It's presidential to say, "Speak softly, and carry a big stick." It's not quite so presidential to say, "Bring 'em on." And it's even less presidential to say, "Pack a lunch, 'cause you and me are fixin' to go 'round and 'round." I would vote for this guy, but he is not presidential. He is residential. If you get elected and put aluminum siding on the White House, that's not presidential. In New Hampshire, John Kerry played hockey, and that was presidential. If, while playing hockey in New Hampshire, Kerry had been sent to the penalty box for hitting Dennis Kucinich in the groin, that wouldn't have been presidential, although it would have made for great television. I think you're getting the picture here. Being presidential means you're a stiff. Some people are just born downright unpresidential. Do your friends call you Gator? Then you're not the least bit presidential. Ever notice how nobody called Gator has ever been elected commander in chief? Richard "Gator" Nixon -- it just doesn't sound right. OK, let me give you an idea of what's really not presidential: Go to the mirror and look at yourself. Stick your pinky finger up your nose. Now sing, "Yo doddy o, yo doddy o, dough." That is extremely unpresidential. It's not particularly presidential to choke on a pretzel. It's even less presidential to toss your cookies on a Japanese guy. So it runs in the family; what can I tell you? It's presidential to have an Easter Egg hunt on the White House lawn. It would not be presidential to have a wet T-shirt contest on the White House lawn. It's presidential to say, "Four score and seven years ago our forefathers . . ." It's not presidential to say, "Some time way back in there somewhere, although I ain't exactly sure when, Grandpaw and them . . ." It's never presidential to begin a news conference by asking, "Who let the dogs out? Woof. Woof." And going by the last name of Diddy would never be seen as presidential. It's presidential to meet with Ariel Sharon in the Rose Garden. It's not presidential to meet with Ariel Sharon in the Rose Garden, give him a high five, and say, "Hey, fatso, really nice fence." It's not presidential to say, "I did not have sex with that woman." It's even less presidential to say, "And I didn't mess with her sister, either." It's not presidential to say, "It depends on what the definition of is is." It's even less presidential to say, "It depends on what the definition of be am." And, of course, no matter how big the deficit gets, it's never presidential to ask, "Do you have any spare change?" John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com.