Best of the Web Today - February 24, 2004
By JAMES TARANTO
Dukakis Without the Integrity
"Bring it on!" John Kerry has been taunting for some time now. Yesterday President Bush did just that, with some wit. Here's what the president said to the Republican Governors Association last night:
We meet during the presidential primary season. We're witnessing a clear trend--it looks like we have a winner in the Republican primaries. The other party's nomination battle is still playing out. The candidates are an interesting group, with diverse opinions: For tax cuts, and against them. For Nafta, and against Nafta. For the Patriot Act, and against the Patriot Act. In favor of liberating Iraq, and opposed to it. And that's just one senator from Massachusetts.
Blogger Mickey Kaus remarks, "It looks as if Bush is smart enough to try to define Kerry as a flip-flopping opportunist rather than as Dukakis II." Kaus is two-thirds right: Bush is smart, and Kerry is a flip-flopping opportunist.
But although Michael Dukakis, unlike Kerry, had enough integrity to take clear positions on the issues of his day, the similarities between the two Massachusetts Democrats shouldn't be overlooked. "Democratic front-runner John Kerry said Monday that he considers Republican criticism of his voting record on defense and national security an attack on his patriotism because 'that's the game they play,' " the Associated Press reports.
Here's Dukakis in a Sept. 25, 1988, debate with the current president's father: "Of course, the vice president is questioning my patriotism. I don't think there's any question about that, and I resent it. I resent it."
This is what Democrats call "fighting back," and as we've noted many times before, it is an utterly self-defeating approach. Republicans are arguing that Kerry is weak on defense. By raising the question of his own patriotism, Kerry has changed the terms of the debate. Now it's: Is Kerry just weak on defense, or is he unpatriotic too? For the record, we say he's a patriot who's weak on defense.
A Tankless Task
An Iowa blogger calling himself Cedar Pundit notes that among the weapons systems John Kerry--whom Cedar characterizes as "the haughty, French-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who by the way served in Vietnam"--voted against funding was the M-1 Abrams tank. "Yep--the very same M-1 Abrams tank driven by Michael Dukakis in 1988 for a photo-op at a General Dynamics plant in Detroit."
Cedar offers this suggestion: "Can you see the Republicans coming out with an ad attacking John Kerry for wanting to gut the military, but then they use that video of Dukakis riding around in that tank in order to mention the M-1 Abrams? That would be rich."
What Would We Do Without Strategists for Both Parties?
"Kerry's past support for policies he now condemns is complicating his run for the White House, strategists from both parties say, and could prove problematic in a general election showdown with Bush."--Washington Post, Feb. 24
Keep Your Day Job
In a meeting with a bipartisan group of governors yesterday, Education Secretary Rod Paige called the National Education Association a "terrorist organization." Paige later issued a gracious apology: "It was an inappropriate choice of words to describe the obstructionist scare tactics the NEA's Washington lobbyists have employed against No Child Left Behind's historic education reforms. . . . As one who grew up on the receiving end of insensitive remarks, I should have chosen my words better." Indeed.
"A spokeswoman for presidential contender John Kerry called Paige's remarks 'inappropriate, particularly at a time when our nation has experienced the devastation caused by terrorism,' " reports the Associated Press. This would be easier to swallow had Kerry himself not referred to congressional Republicans as "legislative terrorists," as the Drudge Report notes he did back in 1996.
"Terrorists hold hostages, and the Republicans are holding the government hostage," the Worcester (Mass.) Telegram & Gazette quoted Kerry as saying back then, in an article recently reposted to the FreeRepublic Wed site. When is Kerry going to apologize?
Another Act of Heroism
As if saving the lives of those guys in Vietnam and Chic Hecht weren't enough, a Dallas Morning News profile of John Kerry tells how he rescued "Licorice the hamster":
Long before Mr. Kerry ran for president, his daughter Vanessa, 6 or 7 at the time, took her pet rodent on a family vacation that also involved a boat and a big dog. When they pulled into dock, the dog got so excited that its tail knocked the hamster cage overboard. That's when dad--decorated with a Silver Star for dragging a Green Beret out of a river--sprung into action, grabbing an oar and fishing Licorice out.
"He literally managed to do CPR on this hamster and bring him back to life," Ms. Kerry recalled.
"And seeing him do mouth-to-mouth on the hamster . . .," said older sister Alexandra.
"He did not do mouth-to-mouth, he did heart compressions!" Vanessa said. The third-year medical student could barely control her laughter.
Wow, so Kerry's not just a veteran--he's a veteranarian too!
A Lame Campaign
"The Center for Disability Rights knocked Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards' speech in Rochester [N.Y.], saying Edwards didn't have sign language interpreters and instead patted the heads of people in wheelchairs," the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle reports:
"It seems that Sen. Edwards lacks disability etiquette," Debbie Bonomo, who has cerebral palsy, said in a news release. "Just because I am a woman who uses a wheelchair, does not mean anyone should be patting me on the head. That is so 1950s."
At least Edwards doesn't exploit the disabled the way John Kerry does.
Fuzzy Math
Fox News reports that "Democrats are sending a message to Ralph Nader and those who may be considering backing the independent's bid for the White House: A vote for Nader is a vote that will keep President Bush in office."
Actually, this is only half true, and only if the voter would otherwise vote for the Democratic nominee. If you were planning to sit out the election or cast a protest vote for another third-party candidate, and you vote for Nader instead, the effect on the presidential race is exactly the same: nil.
If you decide to vote for Nader instead of John Kerry (or whoever is the Democratic nominee), then it's true that you're taking away a vote from Kerry--but you're not giving it to Bush. For simplicity's sake, let's say there are nine people in the electorate, and they split 5-4 for Kerry over Bush. If one voter switch to Bush, the split would be 5-4 in the president's favor. But if he switched to Nader instead, the split would be 4-4-1.
Thus if the Dems want an accurate slogan, it should be: A vote for Nader instead of Kerry is half a vote to keep President Bush in office.
Not Quite Clear on the Concept
President Bush today endorsed a constitutional amendment reaffirming the traditional definition of marriage as a union between a man and a woman. In the most predictable post in blogosphere history, Andrew Sullivan responded with outrage:
This president has now made the Republican party an emblem of exclusion and division and intolerance. Gay people will now regard it as their enemy for generations--and rightly so.
Since when do gay people have generations?
Who Said It?
"Bush alleged that his troops have spread freedom in the world, that Iraq had achieved democracy thanks to his coalition forces, that his government has crushed more than two-thirds of al Qaeda and that . . . Afghanistan is secure. The leader of the most powerful country on earth is not embarrassed to say these deceptions and lies. It's gotten to the stage that he can ridicule his listeners to this degree."
The words of John Kerry? John Edwards? Dennis Kucinich? Al Sharpton? Nope, nope, nope and nope.
Here's a hint: The speaker is a medical doctor. No, not Howard Dean. It's al Qaeda No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahri, or at least a recorded voice purporting to be his.
Whatever You Do, Don't Tell Anyone!
"CIA Chief in Secret Visit to Pakistan"--headline, Financial Times, Feb. 22
Zionist Conspiracy Gets New Recruit
John R. Bradley, with whom we tangled back when he was an editor at the Arab News, has an article in the current issue of The New Republic. We're just wondering what Bradley is doing writing for a magazine he once described as "an ultra-right campaigning American political journal that has long been defined by its crude Zionist agenda."
Admit It, You're Curious Too
"A security screener at Denver International Airport has been reprimanded and several others at airports across the country put on administrative leave for sending their bodies through checkpoint x-ray machines to see what their brains look like."--KUSA-TV Web site (Denver), Feb. 23
Zero-Tolerance Watch
Justin Reyes, a sixth-grader at Ohio's Belpre Middle School, was hit with a three-day suspension for bringing a copy of Sports Illustrated to school, WTAP-TV of nearby Parkersburg, W.Va., reports. "Superintendent Tim Swarr says Reyes was suspended for defiance of authority after refusing to go to alternative school as a punishment."
It was the swimsuit issue the boy brought, and ESPN.com reports the school officials deemed the magazine "sexually suggestive" under the "sexual harassment" rules in the school's handbook. "You saw bad stuff on the Super Bowl halftime show," Justin notes. "You could see more on that than in [the magazine]."
Meanwhile, The Smoking Gun notes the story of a pinheaded principal:
Here's a bit of advice for high school administrators everywhere: If a drug-sniffing police dog somehow misses the pot you planted in a troublemaker's locker, just let it go. Patrick Conroy, however, felt the need to tell Michigan cops about his harebrained attempt to frame a student he believed was selling drugs at L.C. Mohr High School. Conroy, who resigned his assistant principal's post Friday when the Herald-Palladium reported on his scheme, last month laughingly told a K-9 cop about planting the pot, according to the below South Haven Police Department reports.
Saying, "I know this isn't or wasn't ethical," Conroy, 52, told the cop he put the baggie of marijuana in the student's locker since "we both know he is dealing drugs, and I wanted to catch him so I put drugs in the locker." The dog, named Herbie, did not cooperate, however, failing to detect the weed. For his part, Conroy repeatedly steered the K-9 team past the bank of lockers, to no avail. Conroy is now the subject of a criminal probe.
The school paper, hilariously called the Critic, published a "letter from the editor" the week after the incident:
Many students have taken notice that Mr. Conroy is not at school. Rumors of drugs, sex, and violence have been flung through the air all week long. Many students have been questioning what's happened. According to Mr. Hadden, he is on leave with pay, and the reason has nothing to do with sex, drugs or violence. . . .
Many students have made wild accusations; saying that Mr. Conroy was arrested and even some parents claimed the he was in jail. Mr. Conroy has not been arrested and he has not done anything illegal. He is on leave with pay for a problem with certain school procedures. Mr. Conroy has been a great help to this school over the years. Ms. Liscow, a teacher at the high school, stated, "The man truly loves kids and targets their best interests. He's intelligent, creative, and dedicated to student success. He's just great to work with." The general opinion of Mr. Conroy at The Critic is that he's a great guy. "It's a shame that the school may lose the glue that held it together," said Cory McDaniel after he learned the circumstances of Mr. Conroy's absence.
Mr. Conroy was gold in a school full of nickel and his absence has left a void in both the school and in the hearts of many students. It's uplifting to see people sticking up for him instead of throwing his good name into the dirt. We are hoping that Mr. Conroy's absence is not one that is permanent. Through his methods, Mr. Conroy has managed to help many students out of troubling situations and become successful. Hopefully, he can work through this rough patch in his life and return soon.
He was gold, all right--Acapulco gold.
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You Don't Say
"IRS to Focus on Tax Cheats, Not Making Friends"--headline, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Feb. 22
That'll Teach Him
"The Council of the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Alberta has found Dr. Cooper guilty of demonstrating unbecoming conduct based on his conviction for manslaughter in the death of a colleague," according to announcement from the college. As a result, "the name of Dr. Abraham R. Cooper [will] be struck from the Alberta Medical Register."
Why We Carry a GI Joe for Self-Protection
"Barbie-Wielding Man Stalking Neighborhood"--headline, Houston Chronicle, Feb. 24
It's the Eponymy, Stupid
Uh-oh, we've really started something. The roster of appropriate names keeps growing. In the past 24 hours, we've heard of dentists named Sheila Brush, Nicholas Fangman and E.Z. Filler; a New York pediatrician called Barney Softness (rumor has it he's something of a dinosaur); a plastic surgeon named Dr. Biggs, who of course does breast enlargement; an emergency medicine specialist known as Gregory Risk; a hand surgeon named David Mitten; and a physician of indeterminate specialty named Dr. Quak.
There's also a Slaughter Instrument Co., which makes medical supplies, as well as a Frigid Fluid Co., whose products are used in embalming.
A reader called our attention to this Associated Press headline: "Calif. Politicians Debate Gay Weddings." What's on tomorrow's agenda, he asked, "sad funerals"? How about jolly ones--or Jolley ones, anyway? Sturgis, S.D., until recently had a Jolley Funeral Home. Other exequial eponyms: the Wendt Funeral Home, the Earthman Funeral Home, the Donald H. Bury Funeral Home, the Goodbody Mortuary, the Bookhout Funeral Home, the Curtin Funeral Home and the Dunkum Funeral Home.
A business in McConnellsburg, Pa., bears the unappetizing name Rotz Meats. while the Black-Eyed Pea restaurant--it's in Boulder, Colo., according to a reader--was designed by an architect named John Eatwell. The Web site of the Kansas Trial Lawyers Association lists members of the "Eagles"--donors to an effort to "defend the civil justice system"--including one Michael Lawless. And there's a Tingley Rubber Corp. based in South Plainfield, N.J., but it seems to make raincoats and galoshes, not gloves.
And a tip of the hat to the late Herb Caen, the San Francisco Chronicle columnist who, readers tell us, pioneered this genre, which he called "namephreaks." From a 1995 Caen column: "Given the welfare cuts, Bob Dole is now a namephreak."
Caen died 1997, but his legacy lives on. Just two weeks ago, the Chronicle published an obituary that began: "Rodney Pain, the bagpipe playing dentist who was three times a "namephreak" in Herb Caen, died in his sleep last December 27 at his home on Vancouver Island, Canada." If you'd like to pay your respects by sending flowers, we suggest Wilt's Florist. |
