Short Story: Dubya Meets the Founding Fathers
A dialogue between George Bush and the Founding Fathers, what was said by the great ones and what could have been said by the idiot.
By Jordanne Graham
It's a hot July day in Philadelphia. Independence Hall is stifling with the breath and sweat of 55 men, eagerly engaged in drafting a constitution. The 13 states have just been united under the Articles of Confederation. General George Washington, a statesman admired by all present, leads the proceedings. His wilted wig jiggles slightly as he pounds the gavel bringing the meeting to order.
“Gentlemen, the topic under consideration is the office of the presidency. We must consider the powers of that office. Should the executive be strong or weak? That is, should the document we are drafting give him generous powers or few? What must we do to ensure a democratic republic where no despot may ascend to unchecked power.”
Suddenly the doors to Independence Hall swing open and a man dressed in cowboy boots, blue jeans, and a western shirt strides toward the lectern. His thin lips curl as he smiles and turns to address the group. “Hello, gentlemen. It’s a good day for ridin’ the range or playin’ some golf.” He swings an invisible club. “I know all you fine men would like to be out there in the sunshine instead of inside this stuffy buildin’, so I’ve come from the future to help ya fix up yer Conshatooshun and remedialize some of the errors ya put in it.” As he speaks, all of his “s”s have a whooshy sound.
“And who might you be, my good man?” asks Washington, addressing the stranger.
“My name’s Bush. George Dubya Bush. I'm the 43rd president of the United States. Y’all did a fair job of writin’ the Conshatooshun, but ya’ made some annoyin’ mistakes. ‘Specially with the executive branch. I’ve come here from the year 2004 ta help ya get it right. With my assistance, you'll have the power of future hindsight. Then presidents, like I am one, won't have the problems I’m … won’t be having trouble … darnit, a dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there’s no question about it.”
“But Mr. Bush, if you are who you say you are, then surely you know, given too much power and independence, a president could make himself a monarch,” said Thomas Jefferson. “We have lingered too long under the powers of King George and will not suffer this nation to dwell under the rule of monarchy again.”
“I hear you and your feelings are sympathiable. But I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well,” replies Mr. Bush. “Let me give you a fer instance. See, the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead. My job is to, like, think beyond the immediate. This is historic times."
“Gentlemen,” called Washington as he swung the gavel, “we are straying from our task. Let us ask ourselves what we would have of a chief executive. By what method should he be elected? Should he be commander of the army? Should he be allowed a veto over acts of the congressional body? Mr. Bush, please have a seat.”
“But I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe … I believe what I believe is right.”
“Nevertheless, the chair recognizes Mr. Madison. Please be seated, Mr. Bush.”
James Madison rises to his feet. “General Washington, the term of the executive should be short, three years by my reckoning, thus limiting his ability to develop the power needed to rule instead of govern. Indeed, he should not command the army. An unvirtuous executive as head of a militia could spend his powers on invasion and rule by threat. A president of these states must not be afforded such an opportunity.”
Alexander Hamilton jumps up, waving his arms, “But surely he must have enough time in office to earn the trust of the people, because it is by their consent that he governs. However, the legislature should provide a check to the power of the executive, especially with monetary concerns and the declarations of war.”
“Okay now, fellas,” says Mr. Bush, “let's have a little talk about Congress checkin' my powers. See a few weeks ago, Congress rejected a budget I sent down to them. It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it. And I don't want Congress messing with the budget. Because apparently that isn't their job."
“With all due respect, Mr. Bush,” replies Thomas Jefferson as he rises, “this august body has already voted and declared that the Congress represents the people and the people’s fiscal and monetary concerns. It is the duty of Congress to make sure that taxes levied are spent in the people’s interests for the common good. Therefore, the Congress must originate any efforts to spend the people’s funds. Don't you agree?”
“I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them. And we’re trying to restore peace in the world, see; we’re having a war! So of course I was disappointed that the Congress did not respond to the $3.5 billion we asked for. They not only reduced the budget that we asked for, they earmarked a lot of the money. That’s a disappointment, a disappointment when the executive branch gets micromanaged by the legislative branch. There’s an old saying in Tennessee--I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee--that says, fool me once, shame on--shame on you. Fool me--you can’t get fooled again.”
“But,” comments General Washington in a serious tone, “if one is to incur debt on behalf of the people, one must have a definitive plan for the redemption of the public debt. Nothing can more promote the permanent welfare of the nation, and nothing would make our constituents more grateful. Indeed, whatsoever is unfinished in our system of public credit cannot be benefited by procrastination; we ought to prevent that progressive accumulation of debt which must ultimately endanger all governments. What do you say to that, Mr. Bush?”
“I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can’t answer your question. But I’m the commander--see, I don't need to explain--I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being the president. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don’t feel like I owe anybody an explanation.”
“I see,” replies Jefferson. “Well, if you would consider one further question with respect to the command of the militia, pray do tell us, who should embrace that responsibility? The president?”
“Yer darn tootin! I'm a war president. I make decisions here in the Oval Office in foreign policy matters with war on my mind. When I take action, I’m not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It’s going to be decisive. So look, the president needs to be in charge of the army, even the whole coast guard, tanks, military and the Pentagon too. And they need to be bigger. Really big militaries is what is needed.”
“I have always said, Mr. Bush, that overgrown military establishments are, under any form of government, inauspicious to liberty and are to be regarded as particularly hostile to republican liberty,” warns General Washington.
“Now, see, this is why you guys need me. Look, General, the military is not hostile to Republicans. Democrats maybe, but not Republicans. I can clear all this up for ya right now. Wanna know why? Because I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment. And for keepin’ the peace you gotta have big guns. Just like I said to Saddam Hussein the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose, ‘You disarm, or we will.’”
“Very good Mr. Bush,” answers Washington. “I have always thought it wise to cultivate peace with all the world; to observe treaties with pure and absolute faith; to check every deviation from the line of impartiality; to correct what may have been injurious to any nation; and having thus acquired the right, to lose no time in acquiring the ability, to insist upon justice being done to ourselves.”
“You know, that’s what I say too. I’m all about justice. In fact, in Texas where I was governor, we had justice on a daily basis. We killed a lot of bad guys. I do not believe we’ve put a guilty--I mean innocent--person to death in the state of Texas. See, I’m a gentle man. I’m a man who cares about--about people. I even declared JESUS DAY in Texas so the people could celebrate JESUS!”
A gasp rends the peace in the great hall. James Madison stops taking notes. He fans himself with a piece of parchment. All fall silent. Everyone knows Madison’s feelings about the separation of church and state. Then Madison, his slight frame quivering, stands to speak. His convictions ring in the rafters.
“There is not a shadow of right in the general government to intermeddle with religion. Its least interference with it would be a most flagrant usurpation.” He continues, “We must not give to Caesar what belongs to God, or join together what God has put asunder. Hasten to make the example of your country as pure and complete, in what relates to the freedom of the mind and its allegiance to its maker, as in what belongs to the legitimate objects of political and civil institutions.” He issues a long, low stare at Mr. Bush. His brows nearly touch one another, and his eyes bore into the modern president in an effort to convey his emotion.
Bush speaks. “Hey aren’t you the one that’s been sitting here taking notes with that duck feather? Writing down stuff about everyone?”
“Yes,” whispers Madison, his eyes still drilling into the president.
George Dubya leaps to his feet and hammers his fist down hard on the table. “You ***** son of a *****. I saw what you wrote. We’re not going to forget this! You think you can write about the president of the United States? There ought to be limits to freedom!” Seeing the stony faces of the crowd, the president laughs nervously. “Look, fellas, don’t knock yourselves out over this conshatooshun, because by the year 2000, we’re gonna change it all around anyway. Wasn’t it you, Dr. Franklin, that said “those that give up liberty for security deserve neither,” uh wait, those that give up security for liberty deserve both? Yeah, that's it--deserve both. And gentlemen, that’s just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to Texas. I’ve got a date with a horse.”
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