Clintons Post Presidential Escapades
"The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5 million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel? The man dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every one of them, he gets 10." —Jay Leno
"Just like Clinton, the book will come with a jacket and no pants." —Jay Leno
"Former President Bill Clinton has over $10 million in his pockets. $10 million! Has there ever been a better time to be a Hooters waitress?" —Jay Leno
"Clinton has been mulling over titles for his memoirs but publishers have already told him he can't use the 'Ass Menagerie.' ... Editors are reportedly hoping for 1000 pages, but Clinton wants it considerably shorter so it hurts less when Hillary throws it at him." —Craig Kilborn
"Today the publisher of Bill Clinton's book said the last draft does include Clinton's description of all his infidelities. Yes, look for it in bookstores in the hernia section." —Craig Kilborn
"I will give you an idea of how hot it was the other day. It was so hot, to cool off President Clinton actually got in bed with Hillary." —David Letterman
"(Hillary Clinton) is way too polarizing a figure to ever (be elected president). But I like her husband. I think this kid has a gleam in his eye, this Bill Clinton. I think we show up at his house two years from now naked with a box of cigars and go, 'You know what, stick them wherever you want, just come back.'" —Jon Stewart, in an interview with Larry King
"While he was in Spain, Bush got a call from Bill Clinton. Clinton said, 'Hey, can you pick me up some Spanish fly while you're down there?'" —Jay Leno
"The other day while playing golf in England President Clinton met a couple getting married and posed for pictures with them. Not only that but he offered to help consummate the marriage." —Conan O'Brien
"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." —Conan O'Brien
"Here is the basic difference between the Bush family and the Clinton family. When Bill Clinton said it was time for a cold one, he meant Hillary." —Jay Leno
"Today lawyers for Monica Lewinsky said that Monica Lewinsky wants the government to return her stained blue dress. Apparently she is under the illusion that she can still fit in it. ... They said on the news tonight the dress could be worth up to $500,000 to a collector. Collector? Who collects that? Now I was thinking, Clinton gets what, $100,000 for an hour speech? He's in the wrong business. What's it take, two minutes to stain a dress? That's $500,000 right there." —Jay Leno
"Former President Clinton was hit by an egg thrown by a protestor as he was walking down the street in Poland. His reflexes were so quick, he was able to fertilize it like that." —Jay Leno
"President Clinton has lost 20 pounds since he was in office. That's pretty good, 20 pounds. He said he knew he was overweight and needed to go on a diet because on the last trip he took, he couldn't get into the lavatory with a flight attendant." —David Letterman
"Former President Clinton was walking to an event in Poland, walking down the street, waving to people, when a raw egg was thrown by a protester and hit him. Well, that's depressing, isn't it? One day, you're President of the United States, the Secret Service has to take a bullet for you. The minute you leave office, they won't even take an egg for you. ... Luckily, Clinton is an expert at getting out stains, so it's not a problem there." —Jay Leno
"How many of you remember President Clinton? He was the fun one. ... An 18-year-old high school student wrote him a letter asking him to deliver the commencement address at the high school. Well, it actually wasn't just a letter, it was a couple of polaroids that went along with it." —David Letterman
"According to a recent report, Americans spend more money on pornography than we do on political campaigns. Last year we spent $11 billion on pornography and only $1.2 billion on politics. That was the great thing with Bill Clinton, with him you got both." —Jay Leno
"There is a rumor in Britain that President Clinton is going to be knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Which is really odd, because usually women are on their knees in front of him." —Conan O'Brien
"Great Britain is considering knighting former President Bill Clinton. And that's not all, because he committed adultery, cheated and had a bunch of loser relatives who never had a job in their lives, he's also being made an honorary member of the royal family." —Jay Leno
"Former President Clinton has been hanging out in a bar in Chappaqua, New York. Apparently he was there like every night last week. And apparently whenever President Clinton goes there, he asks for the usual and the waitress gives him a restraining order." —Conan O'Brien
"According to ABC News, Bill Clinton often sneaks back to Washington to be with Hillary. I guess he doesn't want his girlfriends finding out that he is seeing his wife." —Jay Leno
"Former President Bill Clinton is in India right now and he is doing everything you do when you go to India. They put a turban on him and they had Bill Clinton riding an Elephant. It's the biggest thing he's ridden since — well." —David Letterman
"I know about the Salem Witch Trials; I could sort of identify with those witches." —Former President Bill Clinton, speaking at Salem State College
"All content submitted for use on the Clinton Presidential Center becomes property of the Center and cannot be returned ... We will not accept materials of a prurient quality." —Submission guidelines for Clinton's Web site
"Bill Clinton, they now are saying has got nothing to do. So every night he goes to a bar there in Chappaqua and Clinton says that he really enjoys spending time in the bar because the more he drinks, every woman starts to look like Paula Jones." —David Letterman
"It's tax time and former President Clinton is reporting he made over $2 million last year, and that's not including what he got under the table." —Craig Kilborn
"A judge in Little Rock, Arkansas, has thrown out Arkansas' anti-sodomy law. Finally, some good news for Bill Clinton: he can go home! He doesn't have to hide out in New York anymore." —Jay Leno
"He was a great President from the neck up." —New York Public Advocate/NYC Mayoral candidate Mark Green, on Bill Clinton
"Bill Clinton is back flying commercial. And this trip to Europe did not go well. Here is what happened, about 3 hours into the flight during the meal service, his intern kept hitting her head on the tray table." —David Letterman
This comes courtesy of The Hotline:
Shot: "Clinton's only steady companions in Chappaqua are his dog, Buddy, and a former White House valet who has helped him learn modern skills he never needed to master before: getting cash from an ATM, operating his PalmPilot, even putting a phone call on hold" (Chicago Sun-Times, 3/19/01).
Chaser: "While the President was on the telephone, according to Ms. Lewinsky, 'he unzipped his pants and exposed himself,' and she performed oral sex" (The Starr Report, 3/98).
"James Carville — one of those guys you always see on CNN, which is of course now the Clinton News Network, he said he didn't worry about Bill Clinton because Bill is the Comeback Kid. Here is my question; How can you make a comeback when you won't go away?" —Jay Leno
"Wes Craven was actually asked to shoot a film that documented Bill Clinton's last day in office. That's a true story, yeah. Yeah, apparently Craven wanted to call the film, 'I Know Who You Did Last Summer'" —Conan O'Brien
"President Clinton has got an office a couple of blocks from here. It's a great location, right between a Wendy's and a Hooters. ... It's a fabulous building, over on 57th Street — Hump Tower. ... He's on the 56th floor of this office building. What a view! He can see the East river. He can see Central Park. He can see the Hudson River. He can see Hillary coming." —David Letterman
"President Clinton is here in New York City. He's on the 56th floor of an office building in Midtown Manhattan. He took the whole floor. And the great thing is, he can furnish it with stuff he stole from the White House. And he brought his own doorman with him — I guess you can do that as a former President — Al Gore." —David Letterman
"They also said that they found pornographic material on the White House fax. It turns out that was just Clinton sending out resumes." —Jay Leno
"Former President Clinton, now that he's out of office he has to make his money like all the rest of us. Public speaking, that is what he does. ... This week kicks off the big public speaking tour, and he's down there in Florida and I'm thinking to myself, 'Finally, this could turn the tide for Al Gore. Finally!' ... Actually he's down there doing two speeches and judging a wet T-shirt contest." —David Letterman
"He's got a scandalous past and he's talking about how much he's going to love being the (Senate) spouse's club. Do you think that makes the male senators feel good? Do you think Sen. Orrin Hatch right now is sleeping easy? Do you think Lieberman doesn't think Clinton is going to be sidling on up to Hadassah in the Senate club: 'Can I buy you a Manishevitz?' Believe me, they're nervous." —Jon Stewart, on Bill Clinton
"Boy, you can tell Bill Clinton really hates being out of the spotlight. He spent two hours today waving behind the glass at the Today show." —Jay Leno |
