To: redfish who wrote (605494 ) 8/18/2004 1:35:35 PM From: Andrew N. Cothran Respond to of 769670 Bush Wonders, 'What If That Little Voice in My Head Isn't God?' 07/30/04 CRAWFORD, Texas On vacation this week at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush asked aloud, "What if that little voice in my head isn't really God?" "I mean, what if it's just a Mexican radio station playing through the fillings in my teeth?" the president wondered. "And why does God sound exactly like William Shatner? Charlton Heston I could understand, but William Shatner?" The president, who believes he was divinely chosen to lead the nation, has repeatedly insisted that he consults the Lord on critical policy questions, including his controversial decision to invade Iraq. But only recently has Mr. Bush acknowledged that the voice of God comes from his dental fillings and sounds just like Shatner, a development many find ominous. A CIA analyst who spoke on condition of anonymity speculated that Israeli intelligence may have implanted a device in the president's filling in order to spark a world war against Islam. "Think about it," the analyst told our RealStupid reporter at a DC Star Trek convention. "William Shatner is Jewish, and as Captain Kirk, his voice would be instantly infused with authority. Though Mr. Spock, also a Jew, might have been a better choice as the voice of God. Of course, neither one of them is Charlton Heston." Another theory suggests that powerful multinational corporations are manipulating Mr. Bush through his teeth in order to maximize their war profits--a scenario eerily similar to the plot of The Manchurian Candidate. "It's certainly possible," insisted Internet conspiracy theorist Gil Gulliver. "There's nothing, absolutely nothing, Priceline.com won't do to corner the market." A third theory has gained substantial momentum among conservative Christians, who are convinced that "The Lord works in mysterious ways." "Why wouldn't God speak to President Bush through his fillings?" asked Jen Shroder, a California housewife and fundamentalist crusader. "We all know He spoke to Moses through a burning bush. Not a burning Kennedy, a burning Bush. Save your soul! Live for eternity! Vote Bush!!" In related news, Whoopi Goldberg is reportedly undergoing a strict regimen of penicillin shots to ease her own burning bush. ©2004 RealStupidNews.com