FEDS DECLARE WAR ON FIRST AMENDMENT, WHICH REPLIES, 'FARK YOU, ASSHATS!'
02/27/04 PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania
Led by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC), the federal government declared war on the First Amendment yesterday, claiming in response to the Janet Jackson Super Bowl scandal that "if the founding fathers had intended for boobies to be on television, they would've said so." (RealStory @ msnbc.com)
Reached at its glass case in Philadelphia, the First Amendment responded to the feds succinctly: "Fark you, asshats," it scowled.
Also under attack from the feds are the nation's so-called 'shock jocks,' radio DJ's who specialize in pushing the limits of decency in order to satisfy the humor needs of the nation's frustrated commuters. Already, shock jock Bubba the Love Sponge has been fired from his edgy program, fines of up to $1.7 million have been paid for alleged indecency, and radio personalities across the country are censoring their own programming in fear of more seven-figure FCC fines. (RealStory @ miamiherald.com)
Industry toadies have been quick to assent to the federal power grab. Radio network giant Clear Channel, which has suspended the Howard Stern program for "boobie-, weenie-, and coochie-related humor," immediately grabbed its ankles, backed up to FCC Chairman Michael Powell, and promised to spread its ass cheeks "whenever Your Imperial Highness feels the need." (RealStory @ newsday.com)
Meanwhile, the FCC has proposed raising the maximum fine for indecency from $27,500 to $275,000 per incident, a move that would effectively give the federal government the power to put all but the largest radio stations out of business for even one mention of winkies, nerps, or pooners.
"There will be no more boobies, naughty bits, fronking, boinking, or schlurping on America's airwaves," Powell pompously prognosticated. "Not as long as I'm in charge."
The First Amendment scoffed at the idea that any government official is "in charge" of any medium, much less the airwaves in general. "Hey, I was scribbled on parchment with a turkey quill," the amendment declared. "Does Mr. Poopiehead Powell really think he's the boss of me?"
Radio personalities The Regular Guys have taken perhaps the most principled stance in the face of Powell and the FCC's overbearing threats. Specifically, both men turned around, dropped trou, and mooned Mr. Poopiehead, then went on strike in protest.
"You can kiss our pimply white asses," they chimed in unison. (RealStory @ regularguys.com)
The First Amendment is reportedly undergoing a voluntary rewrite in response to the current climate of intolerance and the erosion of cherished civil rights.
"I want to be more edgy, and more accessible," the amendment told our RealStupid reporter. "You know, by adding some slang, maybe some innuendo.
"I can tell you from personal experience that Madison, Jefferson, Franklin--those were some saucy dudes, man.
"Madison loved to schlurp Dolly, Jefferson boinked his slaves like a rabbit, Franklin schnoodled with French whores, and Washington...
"Well, the father of our country was fond of telling the ladies that his 'twig and berries' looked more like two watermelons sitting at the base of an oak tree."
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