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Politics : Proof that John Kerry is Unfit for Command -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: ChinuSFO who wrote (2565)	8/24/2004 4:04:55 PM
From: Andrew N. Cothran	Respond to of 27181

Britney Spears Kabbalah sex rite scuppered By our woman with her finger on the belly button of America, Brianna Banks California — In a surprise statement made at a Malibu shopping Mall today, Lynne Spears (57), lashed out at what she called the 'dark forces' who are manipulating her daughter — the popular pop princess, Britney Spears Lynne Spears alleges that these 'dark forces' have turned the innocent pop princess from a sweet, carefree teenager into a sex-crazed junky fag hag with a serious weight problem. "It all started when that slut Madonna gave her that Kabbalah book," sobbed the tearful mother-of-two. Lynne's shocking revelations come hard on the heels of recent allegations that Britney has sacrificed two chickens — or possibly her pet Canadian beaver — to win the forthcoming MTV awards. Kabbalah, a charismatic cult which is sweeping America, numbers such celebrities as Madonna, Demi Moore, Roseanne Barr and Posh Spice amongst its followers. Its fanatical fans are encouraged to 'empower' themselves by 'raising the love monkey' — cult jargon for frenzied self-gratification — and the donation of huge wodges of cash to the movement's headquarters in Los Angeles. Pausing only to wipe away a tear from the enormous cheque we handed her — Lynne went on to list a chilling catalogue of crimes Madonna has bewitched Britney into, explaining that the teen tartlet had: Tasted the LOVE JUICES of the Olsen Twins at a celebrity party hosted by Demi Moore. Given EXECUTIVE RELIEF to Secretary of Defence, Dick Cheney, at a drug-fueled orgy held at the President's ranch. Lit up a cigarette in front of children in a busy shopping mall. Indulged in casual FRENCH KISSING with dozens of celebrities, some of them men. Laughed while she KICKED her sister, Jamie-Lynne's cat down a flight of stairs. Faked her knee injury to be able to spend more time on her back. Shamelessly FONDLED Madonna's LOVE BUTTON during a satanic ritual designed to steal Kevin Federline away from his fiancé, Shar Jackson. Cast an appetite-loss spell on Mary-Kate Olsen. Faked her ORGASMS during live performances to boost her flagging popularity. Summoned up the GHOST of Elvis Presley and had EXPLOSIVE sex with the King. SCREAMED out the 72 names of god while Madonna WHIPPED her ample BOOTIE with a length of wet string soaked in Red Bull. Driven her mother's SUV over a reporter while sticking PINS in a wax effigy of arch-rival, Christina Aguilera. Hypnotized Paris Hilton into exposing her LEFT BOOBIE on live television. "Kabbalah is a dangerous cult," fulminated Rabbi Immanuel Sprocket, a New York-based scholar of Jewish philosophy and mysticism. "These sickos are distorting the Jewish faith by taking our sacred books and using them to summon up the emissaries of Satan." The 22-year-old pop princess is reported to have been introduced to the cult last year by Madonna at a party held at the bisexual megastar's Scottish Castle during which her director-husband, Guy Ritchie, is said to have 'initiated' the teen tartlet in a bizarre ritual during which Britney orgasmed thirty-seven times. "I have seen tens of thousands of teenagers whose lives have been ruined by this evil cult," added Sprocket. "I'm not talking about a bit of girl-on-girl after a few beers too many. These sickos will stop at nothing to gain their five minutes of fame." Utterpants has learned that Ms Spears had asked Efraim Rabidobitch, the cult's fifty-seven-year-old charismatic leader to bless her forthcoming marriage by the exchange of genital rings — a traditional custom among the followers of this decadent movement. But Britney Spears' plans to have an intimate body piercing session with her fiancé Kevin Federline on their wedding day have been nipped in the bud in the nick of time by her mum, Lynne. According to an impeccable source who delivers pizzas to the teen tartlet, the junkie fag hag and her husband-to-be were planning to get pierced together on their wedding day in November. Efraim, an enthusiastic advocate of circumcision, had generously offered to attach the matching diamond studded, platinum pentagrams in exchange for being the first to kiss the blushing bride, or possibly nail her, we're not sure which, as Mr Rabidobitch's English is none too good. Britney (22), no stranger to having a tiny prick between her muscular thighs, is said to have jumped at the chance, only to have her hopes dashed when her mum Lynne burst into her bedroom while the Jewish prophet was trying to pierce Britney's beef curtains with a safety-pin. Britney is said to be 'devastated' — or possibly 'deforested' — by the cancellation of the ceremony, after paying through her pretty nose for a deluxe waxing at an exclusive Malibu beauty parlour in anticipation of the ritual piercing. The duo reportedly already have matching navel piercings, with Britney sporting a fetching miniature can of Red Bull attached to her love button and Federline having a platinum coke spoon dangling from his rather less attractive beer gut. © 2004 utterpants.co.uk utterpants.co.uk

To: ChinuSFO who wrote (2565)	8/24/2004 4:05:25 PM
From: Bob	Respond to of 27181

What a worthless pos................ You ban all talk of Swiftboats on your pathetic site, and you have the audacity to post same here. biggest f'n loser on SI

To: ChinuSFO who wrote (2565)	8/24/2004 4:27:53 PM
From: Andrew N. Cothran	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 27181

FLASH: KERRY WARNS KETCHUP PRICES COULD TOP $10.00 A GALLON August 24, 2004 Special to John Kerry for President thread John Kerry, the Democratic candidate for top dog warned today that ketchup prices could top $10.00 a gallon if his wife, Teresa Heinz, has her way. At a specially called news conference this morning in the midst of a new Swift Boat attack on her husband, Teresa Heinz summoned the New York and Washington press corps to her multimillion dollar home in Georgetown. She announced to a breathless and thoughtless crowd: "With oil prices hitting the roof because of Bush's collusion with the Saudi Prince, I am telling the world here and now that I will not stand for Ketchup prices remaining at their current unfairly low level. It is simply unfair. If the Republicans can manipulate the price of oil upward, then the Democrats can retaliate by assisting me as I ratchet up the price of America's favorite ketchup. I am raising the price of Heinz ketchup to $8.00 a gallon effective immediately. If the Swift Boat crowd does not lay off, I may have to raise it an additional $2.00 to $10.00 a gallon," Terresa opined. "That'll show em who'se the real boss around here," Teresa said. McDonalds and Burger King, in a follow-up joint press release, moaned: "How could that coward, George Bush, let oil prices go through the roof just before the Republican Convention. He obviously knew that Teresa Heinz would have to retaliate by raising the price of ketchup. Bush has inflicted untold pain and suffering on millions of America's obese. Now we will have to raise the price of hamburgers to make up for the additional cost of ketchup. After all, we have to make a profit on each of our hamburgers or we will be forced to lay off thousands of PH.D's who recently received their degrees but could not find a decent job in Bush's America." John Kerry, in a special appearance before FatAmerica for the Hero, promised that he would talk with Teresa. "She's a very determined woman," Kerry said. "But with my record of service in Vietnam and my three purple hearts and an additional heretofore unannounced special service award from the CIA for my services in Cambodia, I think I can handle her." Meanwhile, the price of ketchup futures on the Chicago Commodity Exchange went through the roof. developing story.