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Politics : Proof that John Kerry is Unfit for Command -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: ChinuSFO who wrote (2587)	8/24/2004 5:25:20 PM
From: jficquette	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 27181

LOL, you liberals are so scary. You love to get even. Give someone hell. Gee that is creative. Get vindictive, yeah. Sue me. Oh get Edwards to sue me. Yeah he wants the money. John

To: ChinuSFO who wrote (2587)	8/24/2004 5:47:29 PM
From: Andrew N. Cothran	Respond to of 27181

Cheney accuses Kerry of shagging Mary-Kate Olsen By our chick on the campaign waggon, Miranda S Givings ANYDAMNTOWN, Minnesota — In a bizarre twist in the race for the White House, Dick Cheney lashed out at Democratic no-hoper John Kerry today by accusing the former draft-dodger of 'un-American activities' with the thinner half of the todger-teasing Olsen twins Shocked Americans had barely recovered from the scandalous revelations reported by Utterpants yesterday, when Senator Dick Cheney — no stranger to sex scandals himself — astonished reporters this morning by claiming it was John Kerry who drove the troubled teen tartlet, Mary-Kate Olsen into therapy after he jilted her in favour of pop-corn King, Michael Moore, with whom the Vice President alleges the dishy Democrat is having an 'unnaturally close relationship'. In an uncharacteristically vitriolic outburst at a rally in the republican stronghold of Minnesota, the normally mild-mannered Vice President mocked Senator Kerry's 'Let Americans love Americans' campaign slogan, by pointing out that 'Old politicians waiting for little girls to turn eighteen ...is not what made this country great.' Cheney then went on to accuse Kerry of stealing Mary-Kate's cherry, or possibly passing it around his political cronies in exchange for campaign donations, and then dumping the squeaky-clean cutie when she threatened to go public, because, as she is alleged to have put it, 'the selfish horn toad wouldn't let Ashley give him head'. Mary-Kate was unavailable for comment as she was too busy being 'comforted' by Justin Timberlake — or possibly Poop Dog, the popular rapster. Utterpants finally caught up with the Vice President at his secret holiday home in Malibu and asked him how he uncovered the scandal. "Ashley called me in tears," stormed the seething senator. "She said the dirty bastard had dumped Mary-Kate for that asshole Moore when he found out she was pregnant." "Pregnant?" we asked? "Sure," replied Mr Cheney with a snigger. "Why else d'you think she went from 140 pounds down to 90 in six weeks?" "Anorexia? Coke?" "Horseshit," snorted the Vice President. "She had a baby. That's why she went into the friggin' clinic in the first place. The anorexia story was just a cover-up." Senator Kerry is said to have 'exploded' over the scandal — or possibly 'imploded', we're not quite sure which, as doctors are still in the process of piecing the dapper Democrat back together again. When we attempted to contact his running mate, Senator Edwards, we were informed his passport and favourite boxers were missing so he may have taken a short holiday abroad. An anonymous source within the Democratic party later told us that the story was 'a tissue of lies' and that Senator Kerry had never even met the Olsen Twins. "Cheney is a no good lyin', cheatin' sonofabitch who'll say anything to get Bush re-elected. The American people are far too smart to swallow this pile of crap." When we pointed out that they swallowed going to war against a sovereign nation on the basis that they had weapons of mass destruction trained on America, which have never been found, we were told: "This is different. This is about a respected US politician having sex with a young woman and lying about it. Americans just don't do that kind of thing." © 2004 utterpants.co.uk