Thanks! Bookmarked! CoS...TLC just wrote his Cousin Shorty with his thoughts of the day....I Propose a Change in Government
Published: 11/8/2004 by Tastes Like Chicken
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Dear Shorty,
I am in receipt of your recent package, and must tell you that I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. I had no idea you could find a snow globe commemorating the demise of Nork the Putrescent, let alone one that is 46 blarns in diameter. I’ve placed it on the dining table in the Grand Hall, where it awaits your return to this quadrant and, of course, the subsequent party in your honor.
The news from Guntar, India is good. Cotton farmers in the area have been having trouble with insects. They say local scientists recently advised them to mix their usual pesticides with Coca-Cola or Pepsi Cola to control insect pests.
"We found that the colas had uniform effect on the insects,” reported one farmer, “They became numb and fell to ground."
Good news for the farmers, but not so good for the cola manufacturers.
“We object to the idea that our soft drinks must be mixed with pesticides to cause numbing effects,” a spokesmammal for one cola manufacturer was reported as commenting, “but we’re pleased that sales are skyrocketing in rural India. Who could have guessed?”
Activity on the Canadian immigration website is up since the recent U.S. election, which leads Canadian officials to believe that there are some Americans that would rather move there than have the same president for another four years.
Frankly, I’m baffled at the animosity displayed by these rodents towards their elected leaders.
The winner this time (his name is George) is a “Republican”, a group that supports a form of government in which all the small mammals storm the castle, toss the king and queen out onto the street with nothing, and declare themselves the basis of all authority.
The loser (his name is John) is a member of the “Democratic” party, which goes along with the castle storming and king and queen tossing, but subsequently opposes the Republicans by insisting that all the small mammals be treated equally even though some have really long hair or used to be the king or the queen or whatever. (Curiously, some of the Democrats have no hair at all.)
Since George and John both discount Visitors From Another Planet, I’ve drafted a letter to Claude with instructions to forward it with his (Claude’s, not the incumbent’s) signature, thereby, it is hoped, eliminating any hint of extraterrestrial activity.
Here is the letter:
***
Dear Mr. President Sir as it were so to speak,
I (for one) am dismayed at the ill will displayed by all of us toward our fellow small hairy mammals during the recent election.
While I support the idea that the king and queen should be tossed out of the castle onto the street with nothing, I also support the idea that they (the former king and queen) be treated just like other mammals once they have been tossed out. Which makes me a Republicrat or a Demican or something.
Anyhoo, I would like to propose what I, and my employer, feel would be a better way of judging our leaders.
As a fellow small hairy mammal like myself, you are of course familiar with the sport of football. The leader of the football team is the quarterback, and all quarterbacks have a rating that can be calculated using the following formula:
A= (((pass completions/pass attempts) X 100) –30) / 20
B= ((touchdowns/attempted touchdowns) X 100) / 5
C= 9.5 – ((interceptions/pass attempts) X 100)) / 4
D= ((yards gained/offensive plays) –3) /4
a, b, c and d cannot be greater than 2.375 or less than zero.
Quarterback Rating = (a + b + c + d) / .06
This formula is obviously too complex for some mammals to calculate, but the principle is sound. Rather than rate a quarterback on what he says between games, or what other players say about him, you rate a quarterback on his performance. If he performs, he gets a good rating; if he screws everything up, he gets a bad rating.
I propose that Small Mammal Politicians be scored in a similar way, thus affording all of us the opportunity to choose our leaders based on their statistics and not on whether they are former kings or queens with long hair or short hair or (perish the thought) no hair at all.
I would like to suggest the following National Mammal Leader Statistics: number of mammals available for employment (MAE), number of mammals with real jobs (MRJ), gross national income (GNI), net national income (NNI), amount of debt collected (ADC), amount of new money loaned this month (ANMLTM), amount of money given away for no sensible reason (AMGANSR), number of lies told to all mammals (NLTAM), and number of lies told to voters (NLTV).
A= MRJ / MAE
B= GNI / NNI
C= ADC - (ANMLTM + AMGANSR)
D= (NLTAM + NLTV) X 1,000,000,000,000
Mammal Leader Rating = A+B+C-D
There is one proposed statistic that might be difficult to calculate: number of lies told. Due to national security, some lies would need to be told. Those lies wouldn’t count on the statistic if the Mammal Leader (I’m not accusing you particularly, I just wanted to point it out) prefaced his (or her) lie with the following statement: “Due to national security, what I am about to tell you may or may not be true, I can’t say which, you’ll have to trust me. Look, you voted me in, and that’s the way it is, some things have to be secret, it’s always been that way, and if you’re not happy about it, vote for someone else next time, thanks very much.”
And as we all know, most government employees feel the need to tell lies every so often just for fun. In that case, the lie could be scored as a half-lie if the following statement were made just after the lie: “What I just told you was not exactly the entire truth, but I hope you’ll forgive me just this once, I know I should be more responsible and I want you to know I’m working on it.”
Needless to say, I’m not the wisest person on this small and insignificant planet, so I am sure there might be other statistics employed in the Mammal Leader rating system.
The rating could be inversely proportional to the Shelf Life of Tiny Processed Sugar Treats (SLTPST), the Number of Curses in Another Language Endured While on Vacation (NCALEWV), the Number of Psycho Killers on Prescription Drugs (NPKPS) or the Number of Pet Cats who Eat Better than a Citizen of Afghanistan (NPEBCA).
I thank you, and my employer (who wishes to remain nameless because you can’t pronounce his name) thanks you also.
Sincerely,
Claude DeBris
Earth Base Commander
***
That’s about it for now, cuz. I’m glad all is well with you and your family, and I look forward to your next letter.
As always,
I remain,
Your loving cousin,
Tastes Like Chicken |
