EXPECTED LEGISLATION FROM THE PRESIDENT
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by DAN GREENBURG
The New Yorker
Issue of 2005-01-03
newyorker.com
The Healing a Divided America Act: Shocked and saddened by the divisive nature of the recent Presidential campaign, President Bush will attempt to reach out to and pacify the two warring cultures in our country. Accordingly, a twenty-foot-high concrete security wall, topped by electrified razor wire, will be constructed as a barrier between blue states and red. Democrats and Republicans will have thirty days to relocate to blue states and red states, respectively, or else they will be placed in attractive government relocation camps for their own safety and comfort.
The Tax Simplification Act: Beginning in 2005, all taxpayers in the top one-per-cent income bracket will pay a flat one-per-cent tax, taxpayers in the top two-per-cent bracket will pay a flat two-per-cent tax, and so on.
The Endangered Species Preservation Act: All endangered species will immediately be preserved by a national corps of expert taxidermists.
The Empowerment of the Elderly Act: All citizens age sixty-five and over will empower themselves by paying their Social Security benefits directly from their own savings accounts, instead of having to rely on the uncertainty of occasionally tardy mailings from the federal government.
The Affordable Health Care for Everyone Act: All persons, regardless of age, sex, race, or income, will, for a nominal fee, be issued a Band-Aid, two aspirins, a Tums, a wallet-size card illustrating the Heimlich Maneuver, a recipe for chicken soup, and a leech.
The Improved Patriot Act: All citizens will be required to carry identification papers stating their name, date of birth, ethnic background, political affiliation, voting history, medical history, credit history, psychiatric evaluation, favorite color, and most embarrassing sexual fantasy, and listing every book and periodical they’ve ever read, as well as the things they might admit to if subjected to any of the ten specific forms of torture currently approved by the U.S. government.
The Gay Rights Act: All persons of the same sex, including family members, will have the right to hug, provided that there be at least two inches of air between their bodies during said hug and provided that both parties continue slapping each other’s back for the duration of the hug.
The Equality in Education Act: In an effort to create equal opportunity for students of all capabilities, educational goals will be readjusted: A and B students will henceforth be characterized as snobbish overachievers. C students will receive scholarships to élite schools, since it is they who have the best chance to grow up to be President. And D students will be encouraged to excel by successfully spinning their failures, creating diversionary issues, and impugning the moral values of their teachers.
The Deficit Reduction Act: To raise the funds necessary to cut the deficit in half, a few federal institutions will be sold, privatized, and renamed, the way sports stadiums are; e.g., the Rupert Murdoch Treasury Department and Mint; the Smith & Wesson Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms; the Pfizer Food and Drug Administration; the Halliburton Pentagon; the Enron Department of Correctional Facilities; the House of Saud House of Representatives.
The Enhanced Homeland Security Act: Madame Cleo will be appointed head of airport security; she will train a cadre of psychics to scan the minds of boarding passengers, looking for terrorists. Illegal immigrants along the Mexican border will be subjected to random trick questions, such as whether they like hummus. Heads of households will be issued rocket-propelled grenades.
The Prayer in Everyday Life Act: In public schools, there will be compulsory prayers before classes, before lunch, and before recess, and a brief fifty-minute worship service will precede dismissal, at which time baskets will be circulated for offerings to the education fund and the “Jeb in 2008” fund. Prayers will also be instituted in restaurants after the check is presented.
The Job Creation Act: Although a few jobs may have been lost owing to 9/11, hurricanes in Florida, and the recession inherited from the previous Democratic Administration, many new jobs will open up in the next four years, especially for bankruptcy attorneys, mortgage-foreclosure officers, vehicle-repossession agents, suicide counsellors, homeless-shelter operators, and soup-kitchen and breadline personnel.
The Keeping Our Young People Out of Harm’s Way Act: All young persons age eighteen or over will be placed out of harm’s way in training facilities where they will be issued M-16 rifles and taught how to defend themselves in the event of an attack from a hostile power, or, if the country is not attacked, how to defend themselves when dropped off in countries desperately in need of regime change.
The Separation of Church and State Act: There will be no separation of church and state.
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