To: Ichy Smith who wrote (22547 ) 10/1/2005 11:31:42 AM From: Solon Respond to of 28931 This guy sounds a bit like me! I wonder if he is a maniac, as well?!Bad Religions "There is a large number of world religions that I will choose to attack in this piece but I will attempt to focus on spreading my junk over the popular and the unpopular religions as evenly as possible. In a sense this will be a non-denominational op-ed article designed to enflame and enrage the large moral majority readership that dstb proudly trumpets as its bedrock constituency. First a general disclaimer. I will swear on my deathbed that an impostor wrote this piece and that I had always intended to devote my life to the word of the gospel, but I never had enough time. The deathbed conversion to Christianity has saved many men’s troubled souls and made a large number of priests wealthy. I plan to have a Priest on retainer following me around when I start to feel the warm breath of death on my face, which should be at week’s end. This piece is also meant to only alienate the people on the fringes of religion, not the tolerant and loving individuals who go to mass on Christmas to hope that somehow god will overlook the fact that they shit all over the common man in their day to day business dealings and hate anyone who is not exactly like them and leave them an isle seat in Heaven when they finally get shat out of this mortal coil. I will begin my discussion on this timely topic by outlining two of the most insane “modern” religions: Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Mormon church. The Jo Ho’s seem to be a regular group of people that publish a monthly newsmagazine that is both easy to read and informative. The Watchtower has been struggling to save humanity from its own excesses for several decades, but to my happiness, has failed to do so. There is only one sore point that I have with this group and it sticks out like a giant sore thumb for anyone who was born with half a goddamn brain. The Jo Ho’s have wrongly predicted the ending of the world and the second coming NINE TIMES. This outpaces all the other religions combined. I am not saying that I have never made a drunken boast that something would happen in the near future, but I have rarely made the same claim over and over and over again. There seems to be a glaring lack of credibility in this “organised religion” that is only outpaced by the lack of intelligence by its sheeplike followers. A normal person would begin to think that if these guys cannot predict a simple thing like the end of the world, why should I follow their edicts on the sin of anal sex before marriage? If a business made the same mistake over and over again it would quickly alienate its investors and go bankrupt. The fact that the Jehovah’s Witnesses are still solvent proves that sheep do not know the first thing about investing. As for the Mormon Church, my arguments are a little different. They centre on the obvious racism, sexism, and general insanity that go with this religion like a hand in a glove. Until the mid-1970s black men could not be ordained as priests in this religion. Women still cannot. The policy changed when the leaders of the church realised that the market for new religions in the U.S. would slow because of an ageing population. So like all good capitalists they modified their product and began shipping it to the third world. They get our shit; we get their hard-earned currency. Like selling cigarettes or bombs abroad religion was added to the junk that North Americans would not consume in good conscience, but was perfectly acceptable to sell to our less enlightened brethren. Now church publications are rife with images of photogenic minorities that have been photoshopped into pictures of the white bread Utah countryside. This approach has done wonders for the Church’s books, making it one of the wealthiest groups on the planet. Everyone knows that Mormon’s still view women with the same disgust that was also reserved for unhonky groups. Don’t get me wrong, if I could have three wives I would in a heartbeat, but to treat them as second class citizens because it is God’s will stinks like a French alley. It is a bold statement to say anything is God’s will, especially if your religion was invented in the late 1800s by a guy who loved to pork chicks. The creepiest part of this group to me is what goes on behind closed doors in their churches. There is a Mormon temple by my house that only lets in people who are full on Mormons. Apparently once inside, people wear slippers, not shoes, because the laces might allow some individuals in a moment of clarity to exit the monotony of having only one wife and having to associate with non-whites. In this salute to modern architecture and segregation, church members sit in place of long dead relatives to be baptised into the faith. This is so in the afterlife the whole family can be reunited for an eternity of bliss (as long as this bliss does not include booze, smokes, caffeine, or fun). I can picture being reunited with the snot nosed granddaughter or grandson that decided to do something that over the course of my lifetime I had absolutely no desire to do so. “Why didn’t you have the balls to try this shit on me when I was alive you little prick.” No punishment in my eyes could do justice to such an invasion of my privacy. I will now focus my attention on the Modern Roman Catholic Church led by Pope John Paul II. If I were ever to say half of the exclusionary and judgmental things that the pope does I would be drawn and quartered (and rightfully so). Recently he spouted off that only accepting Jesus Christ as the only true saviour in the world would get you a spot in heaven. This is a bold statement that shows me the true colours of this man and the organisation that he controls. To make such a claim in a world that has many different, equally valid and insane religions, despite the fact that there is no evidence that heaven exists is impossible to comprehend. (I can hear the complaining already and I do not believe that faith can replace evidence in the decision making process, so fuck yourself and blame Sir Francis Bacon for my scepticism, you religious alchemist). There is nothing easier than taking a position that can never be proven untrue, and if it ever could be the people would be simply labelled as non-believing communists or liberals. The pope has also gone to the third world for new grist for the mill. He took a trip to India to try to convert the godless billions in Asia to the way and the light that is western religion. This would be akin to me coming to your wedding and porking your wife and everyone else in the party and telling them all that it is god’s will and they must not resist. Does the Pope believe that the success of other conversions over the course of history should be the model for this new round of global domination? Believing in you own religion is acceptable, but comparing yours to others is a little worse, and forcing your beliefs on others is the most egomaniacal thing I have ever heard of. Well, what do I think people should do to look for support in this modern hurley burley world? Individuals should start being their own God. This is not nearly as crappy as it seems so hear me out. Instead of currying favour with God and following his rules to get into heaven, do things simply because they are the right thing to do. Grow yourself a brain and start treating people the way you would like to be treated, not because your local pastor says you have to and if you do not you will be punished by an eternity of fire and brimstone, but because it is the right thing to do. The path to enlightenment can only be found by following three things: a relentless pursuit of self-destruction, a deep seeded scepticism, and an intense feeling of self-loathing. “Are you ready boots? Start walkin’”."