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Politics : Formerly About Advanced Micro Devices -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: AK2004 who wrote (275530)	2/20/2006 1:00:16 AM
From: Elroy	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 1576160

Lets put this in the paper and see if the Mormons riot... Utah Residency Test Provided By: Fraser D. Redmond - Provided On: 20 Feb 2006 You must be able to answer yes to 10 or more of the following questions to qualify for permanent residency in the state of Utah. Failure to do so qualifies you as a temporary resident only. Do you have a bumper sticker that says "Families can be Forever"? Did a member of your family write in Lavelle Edwards for President in the last election? If you shop on Sunday, do you post date the check? Does your mother have purple or amber plastic grapes in the attic? Were you an aunt or uncle before you attended kindergarten? Do you have 2 gallons of ice cream in the freezer at all times? Do you consider peanut butter on the seat of your car an accessory? When you take a family to a restaurant, do you ask for extra plates? Do you consider "dam" a swear word? Does your family consider a trip to McDonald's a night out? Do you believe you have to be 18 to order coffee in a cafe? Are at least two of your salad bowls at neighbor's houses? Do you think Jack Daniels is a country western singer? Do you consider your temple recommend a credit reference? When your ward basketball team plays, is it similar to the L.A. riots? Do you have an uncontrollable urge to arrive at meetings 5 minutes late? Did you meet your spouse at BYU or on "Your Mission." Can you make a Jell-O with fruit salad without a recipe? Do you bring cola home from the store in a brown paper bag? Do your children believe that deer hunting is a national holiday? Do you negotiate prices at a garage sale? Do you feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football? Do you think red punch and green Jell-O are the main ingredients for a successful party? Do your kids think Jell-O is a major food group? When you pick someone up at the airport, do you bring at least 1/3 of your relatives and have a family reunion at the gate? Do you have a "Quiet Book" as part of your library? Are you embarrassed if any of your children are more than two years apart in age? Do you say "Gawl", "Heck", or "Fetch" more than once a day? Do you travel on Morris Air Service at least once a year? Do you think "Ignernt" means rude? Does it take more than one car to get all your kids over to Grandma's house? Do you have any relatives named LaDell, LaVelle, LaDawn, or LaVerle (how about LaDurl)? Does your 2 year supply of food include more than 40 pounds of candy? Do you keep a supply of butcher paper on hand to make large "Welcome Home" banners? Do you refuse coffee but accept all offers of Excedrin? Do you think it is more prestigious to go to BYU than Harvard? Do you have relatives in California doing everything they can to "Move Back"? Do you shop for wedding gifts at D.I? Does your family take Mormon Tequila to family reunions? (Ingredients of Mormon Tequila: Kool-aid with gummi worm in the bottom.) Has anybody in your family ever taken Cheerios in a sandwich bag or Tupperware dish to church? Have you ever made a major purchase at D.I (Couches, appliances, electronics)? If you've ever referred to a friend as your "Companion." If you have ever inadvertently addressed your boss or coworkers as brother or sister. If you have ever blessed cake, cookies or donuts saying, "Please bless this food that it will strengthen and nourish our bodies." If you have ever used the phrase "With every fiber of my being." If all your dishes have your name written on masking tape. If you have something stuck to your refrigerator for every time you have attended Relief Society. If you have geese or cow decorations anywhere in your kitchen. If you think toys are a normal part of any landscaping. If you've ever refused a coke although it's 105 degrees outside. If you know a 300 lb woman who doesn't drink coke because it may cause her to be unhealthy. If you have no idea who ever said Mormons shouldn't drink coke. If you received baby clothes at a bridal shower (and didn't need them -honest- but you were really excited to get them.) If you have to lock your car in the church parking lot to keep it from being filled with zucchini, tomatoes, and egg plants. If you've ever used the phrase "bless those who aren't here this time that they can be here next time." If you've ever used the above phrase while offering a prayer at a state prison, youth detention facility or other place of confinement. If you think "ignorant" means rude. If you think the word ignorant is pronounced "ignernt" If you think BYU's holiday bowl victory over SMU in 1980 is proof of the true church. If you still talk about the holiday bowl victory of 1980. If you refuse to accept the fact that the two BYU players on either end of that "miracle pass" were Catholic. Even though he was born and raised in Connecticut, you consider Steve Young a Utah native. If you couldn't raise your children in Utah, Connecticut would be your second choice. If you've ever used the words: fetch, flip, scrud, or oh-my-heck. If you ever apologized for using such language. If you've ever used your temple recommend as a check protection card. If you hide your recommend in the back of your wallet when you shop on Sunday. If you believe Jell-O is one the basic food groups. If you've ever mixed Jell-O with any kind of meat. If you like Jell-O mixed with any kind of meat. If you have your order in for volume 25 of "The Work and The Glory" If you use the dust jacket from "The Work and The Glory" so you can read romance novels in public. If you've ever quoted "The Work and The Glory" in a talk or a lesson. If you feel that "The Work and The Glory" would be better if it took place in Connecticut and the hero's name was Steve. If you were shocked to find out that the cast and crew of "Touched By An Angel" were not Mormon. If you feel that "Touched By An Angel" would be better if it took place in Connecticut and the hero's name was Steve. If you can come up with at least 10 good excuses as to why Steve Young isn't married. If you believe any of those excuses. If you've ever passed a rumor about a major celebrity appearing on a major talk show wearing a CTR ring and announcing that he has joined the Mormon church. (Steve Martin in 1996, Harrison Ford in 1993, Jack Klugman in 1988, Woody Allen in 1982) If you've ever believed that rumor. If you still believe that rumor. If you're planning to read this list during Family Home Evening. If, while giving a presentation in a public place such as a board meeting, you have ever inadvertently ended with, "in the name of . . ." If you've ever ended your presentation with those words deliberately. If, during the NBA finals in 1997, you felt guilty when the TV announcer said that Larry Miller was not watching the game because of religious beliefs. If you shut the TV off. If you felt better when Larry Miller showed up after all. If all your children are named after Old Testament Prophets. Even your daughter Zerubbabel. If you ran out of Old Testament names before you ran out of children. If you were shocked to find out that the 24th of July was not a national holiday. If you refer to the days of '47 royalty as "The queen and her two counselors." If at least one member of your family has a pseudo-French name such as LaVell, LaDell, or Bidet. If your mother-in-law was pregnant at your wedding. If at least one of your salad bowls is at your neighbor's house. If you're father-in-law thinks Ronald Reagan was a liberal. If, while teaching a lesson in Relief Society meeting, you've ever apologized for not preparing a center piece. If, while teaching a lesson in Priesthood meeting, you've ever apologized for not preparing a lesson. You are 25 years old and completely bald. Your were an aunt or uncle before the age of 3. You have more children that you can find biblical names for. Your family considers a trip to McDonalds a night out. You hear about BYU football in a testimony meeting. You have more raw wheat stored in your basement than some Third World countries. You make a toast with red punch at your wedding reception. You have a coke-a-cola bottle in a brown bag. If your idea of a good time is playing pictionary in the cultural hall. If your relatives make up more than half of your town. If your idea of a wild party is a six pack of pepsi and a PG-13 movie. If you and all of your friend come to your mom for a haircut in their kitchen. If you measure your Kool-Aid by parts per million If "You're a 10 cow woman" is a compliment If you know a high priest isn't a priest on dope You don't think baptizm for the dead is a flooded graveyard.

To: AK2004 who wrote (275530)	2/20/2006 1:02:08 AM
From: Elroy	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 1576160

I don't get most of these..... hispanicmuslims.com Redneck Muslim Jokes You might be a redneck Muslim... If you say "Assalam Alaiykum ya'll." If you tip you hat when you say "Assalam Alaiykum ya'll." If you put your boots back on after salat. If your thobe or kufi is a camouflage color. If you hunt between magrib and Isha. If you fish, swim, bath, and perform wudu in the same body of water. If you prefer to pray outside your trailer. If you think the greatest jihad is praying magrib during WWF Wrestling. If you think the greatest jihad consists of spraypainting "Allah Akbar" on a water tower. If you ever wonder why the Jerry Springer Show hasn't called you yet. If you eat possum or squirrel at your family's Eid Al-Fitr dinner. If you can't make up your mind between listening to George Strait or Sheik Hamza Yusuf. If you've considered asking your Imam to issue a fatwah legalizing pork. If you think God will look a lot like a famous country singer. If you think Clint Eastwood should play Muhammad(pbuh) in the next movie, "The Messenger." If you think the next movie about the life of the Prophet(pbuh) should be a Western. If you've ever said "takbeer" during a rodeo, tractor pull, or wrestling match. If you distribute Qur'ans at your fireworks stand or yard sale. If you have the Cliff Notes version of the Qur'an. If your belt buckle says "Allah Akbar." If you've ever worn that belt over your thobe. If you can't wait until KFC chicken becomes zabia. If your regular dua includes your cow, your crops, and your drunk relatives. If your mosque is surrounded by pick-up trucks during Jummah. If your mosque is the back room of Benny's All U Can Eat BBQ. If the FBI surrounded your trailer park and took Abu Bakr Smith in for questioning. If your mobile home tilts forward when you perform your daily prayers. If your town gets a new mosque, and you have to help take the wheels off it. If a refrigerator or washing machine sits in front of your mosque. If the reading material on your coffee table includes "Hunting and Fishing" and the Qur'an. If your reversion story includes the KKK, a minister, a bar incident, or a hunting accident. If your wife's hair can't stay put in a hijab. If your closest friend is Joe Bob "Abdul Rahman" Edwards. If you catch yourself saying "Oh, no, brother that's haram" everytime he's near Jack Daniels. If your name is Bubba, and you've changed it to Bubba Ali. If a prayer hangs outside and inside your outhouse door. If you think Mecca is someplace in Mississippi. If you're banned from the county picnic for distributing Qur'ans illegally. If you wonder whether naming a dog "Abdul Majid" is sacriligious. If you're waiting for Wal-Mart to sell kufis and thobes. If you've ever asked your Imam if monster truck rallies are halal. If you've ever worn a cowboy hat over your kufi. If you'd buy a kufi that has race car stripes along the sides. If you swear that Jefferson Davis was really a misunderstood Muslim. If you've ever gotten into a fist fight in a laundromat over something Islam-related. If your Imam gives a lecture against pouching, and you know he's referring to you. If you explain Tawheed by insisting that you can really only have one Dad. If you explain original sin by insisting that you don't deserve to go to jail for your Uncle Roy's stupidity. If you've ever made a do-it-yourself prayer rug with duct tape. If you say "Bismillah" before chopping wood, plowing a field, or milking a cow. If you've ever driven a tractor to a mosque. If you've ever said, "Hurry ya'll Iqama!"