Hillary Clinton: Renaissance Woman!
Written by Gabriel Garnica
Saturday, February 25, 2006
The sight of Sasha Cohen twirling on Olympic ice reminds me of the stunning victory of Sarah Hughes four years ago. My daughter was crazy about Hughes, and she begged us to attend her hometown victory parade on a cold, windy Sunday afternoon just after that gold medal performance. As we stood at the curb watching the parade and cars crawl by, we suddenly caught sight of Chuck Schumer and Hillary Clinton approaching in separate cars and waving to the crowd. I remember thinking that these two were acting as if they were the ones who had won that gold medal, and then I laughed at the image of either Schumer or Clinton doing a triple axle and nailing the landing.
It occurred to me that this was just another example of how politicians will do and say anything to stay relevant, and to pretend that they matter so much to our everyday lives. In reality, this parade would have done very well without these two overblown liberals and their pretentious invasion of an event that really had nothing to do with either one of them.
Hillary The Hunter
I recently read about Hillary’s enraged protest of the month, this time over the Cheney flap. It occurred to me that Hillary Clinton knew about as much about duck hunting as she knew about triple axles, yet that did not stop her from wailing on as if she had a Ph.D. in hunting. All of this reminded many observers how Hillary once claimed to have been a duck hunter during a Memorial Day campaign swing through upstate New York. When asked a question about gun control by NRA member Holden Clous, Hillary mentioned that she had experience with hunting. “It was ducks and a long time ago” she said. Of course, she did not give details as to whom she hunted with, what kind of gun she used, or how many ducks she killed. While I can easily imagine Hillary aiming a gun and firing at opponents, that image of Hillary on skates and now holding a shotgun seemed a bit much.
Hillary The Namesake and Soldier
Apparently Hillary has asserted that her parents named her after Sir Edmund Hillary, the famed mountain climber, even though he was a complete unknown at the time and would not scale Mt. Everest until five years after her birth. I guess her parents were psychic. Likewise, Hillary claimed that she tried to enlist in the Army but was turned down because she was too old. Now that explains her waxing profoundly about body armor for our troops. When asked for details she probably answered, “It was just a name and a patriotic idea and both were a long time ago.” The image of this woman in skates, holding a shotgun, wearing a backpack, and in body armor is a bit frightening to me.
Hillary The New Parent
It seems that Hillary announced in 1996 that at the age of 49 she and Bill were thinking of adopting another child. Apparently the discovery that Gary Coleman was an adult dissuaded her from pursuing that path. I can only imagine a young Coleman walking in on Bill and Monica Lewinsky. Oh, how history may have been changed if only that adoption had occurred. I am sure that when prodded about these past intentions Hillary would answer “It was diapers and bottles and a long time ago.” Frankly, the image of Hillary on skates, holding that gun, wearing that backpack and armor, and now nursing an infant Democrat is making me ill.
Hillary The Jewish Yankee Fan
During her 2000 senatorial campaign, Hillary drew much discussion when she announced that she had Jewish roots and was a rabid fan of The New York Yankees. It seems that she could not give any details as to how and when she became Jewish or a Yankee fan. I am sure that when asked she probably would say “It was Menorahs and doubleheaders and a long time ago.” I would pay to hear Hillary tell us who ever played centerfield for the Yankees! I have to sit down as I imagine Hillary on skates, with that gun, wearing that backpack and armor, nursing that infant, holding a Menorah and baseball bat, and chewing tobacco.
Hillary The Country Girl
Susan McDougal, Hillary’s former business partner, recalled how Hillary almost fainted when presented with razorback earrings in the shape of hogs at a political reception while Bill was the Arkansas governor. After the gift giver left, Hillary said to McDougal, “See, this is the kind of s—t I have to put up with here.” I guess her attitude toward rural people changed by the time of her own political campaign, since she was to say that she favored speaking with rural crowds over making television appearances. When asked about her love of rural life Hillary would likely answer “It was hay and cows and a long time ago.” Speaking of cows, how does the image of Hillary on skates, body armor, backpack, nursing an infant, holding a Menorah and baseball bat, munching on chewing tobacco and now milking a cow sound to you?
Future Revelations
Given Hillary’s propensity to reveal these treasured tidbits about her past, I am sure that we will hear many new nuggets as she tries to add the White House to her mantle.
Do not be surprised to hear how she was once a rapper by the name of Lil’ Hil, how she painted an exact replica of the Mona Lisa just for fun, how she is working on a cure for AIDS, and how Al Gore actually helped her start the Internet. It is no wonder that this Renaissance woman deserves to call the White House her home given her many talents and accomplishments. It is appropriate that she should be named for a mountain climber because you would need a legendary mountain climber to reach the summit of the huge mound of fertilizer that this woman has built over the years. It should be the mission of every conservative in this nation to make sure that one day an elderly Hillary will tell some reporters that she once thought about being President Hillary Clinton. When asked for details, Hillary could answer, “It was playing a million roles and telling a million lies and it was a long time ago.”
<l>About the Writer: Gabriel Garnica, Esq., is an educator, licensed attorney, and resident of Long Island, New York. As a conservative Latino college professor working in New York City |
