Monday Jan. 15th, 2007
Letterman
"You know, the Golden Globes are voted on by the foreign press. The foreign press – they’re the same people that airport security is trying to keep out.”
"Oh my God, earlier today, ladies and gentlemen, Saddam Hussein’s brother was executed. You remember Saddam Hussein? He has three brothers: there is Saddam, there is Barzan and Little Joe is the third brother.”
"By the way, while you folks were laughing at that last joke, President Bush admitted to five more mistakes.”
"Did you see President Bush last night on ’60 Minutes’? Bush said we are in an ideological struggle with evil-doers. Ideological struggle with evil-doers – I think he is talking about the Democrats.”
"Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says that he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran.”
"And in the interview, President Bush said that popularity is not his goal. Popularity is not his goal, and I thought, well, ‘Mission accomplished.’”
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises in President Bush's '60 Minutes' Interview
10. Interview was conducted in the Camp David hot tub
9. President refused to talk about anything except Jennifer Hudson's performance in "Dreamgirls"
8. Announced his candidacy for the 2008 presidential election
7. While walking through the woods, constantly ducking Cheney buckshot
6. Vowed in the future he'll make much better mistakes
5. All the Heineken empties
4. Paused for a CIA briefing about likely Golden Globe winners
3. His Andy Rooney-esque rant about hard-to-open ketchup packets
2. Bush's tearful admission he bet entire United States budget on the Chargers
1. Just like Britney - no underpants
Monday Night January 15
Leno
It was so cold today I was shaking like Donald Trump watching "The View”.
It was so cold today Tony Romo fumbled a snowball.
It was so cold out that even celebrities stopped talking about global warming.
It was so cold here in L.A. that we actually had ice on the ground. Ice! People were slipping more than George Bush poll numbers.
Today is Martin Luther King Day. He was such a great speaker. He could really get people inspired. Now today we have George Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They make you reach for the dictionary.
President Bush says that his new plan will ensure that every Iraqi gets a piece of the oil business. Unlike here where the oil business gets a piece of every American.
Connecticut Senator Christopher Dodd is running for president. He says that he was been having conversations with the mirror over running. The bad news is today the mirror said that it favors Barack Obama.
International soccer star David Beckham has signed a $250 million deal to play here in L.A. He’s very popular. To give you an idea of how popular he is today an L.A. jury awarded him a not guilty sentence for any future murders.
A lot of British people are upset over Beckham’s move. They don’t think it’s right for a Brit to come to America and take a good paying job away from a Mexican.
The New Orleans Saints beat the Philadelphia Eagles 27 to 24 on Saturday in the NFL playoffs. New Orleans did it without the help of FEMA.
This marks the first time people in New Orleans stood and cheered for a guy named Bush (Reggie Bush).
Did you watch the "Golden Globes” tonight? At long last we can give these celebrities some recognition.
Conan
Actor Neil Patrick Harris who played Doggie Howser and now stars in the show "How I Met Your Mother” has announced that he is gay. As a result the show has been changed to "How I Met Your Father”.
Fans of Elton John were shocked when at a recent concert he said the "F word” 15 times in under one minute. Fans say that was just what "Candle In The Wind” needed.
Friday Jan 12, 2007
Ferguson
It has been a very strange week, starting Monday with that big farty smell in N.Y. Turns out it was nothing, just Trump talking out his ass.
David Beckham is coming to L.A. For the past several years, he’s been playing in Madrid, Spain. But he wants to come to L.A. to play in a larger Spanish-speaking city.
If it really snows in L.A., they’ll have to cancel the Golden Globes. 'Cause the red carpet would be get all slushy and covered in white. Now, there usually is white powder at Hollywood events, but not outdoors. In the bathroom.
Friday Jan 12, 2007
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is Too Fat
10. Instead of "Ruff," he barks "Ruffles"
9. Ticks that suck his blood die from high cholesterol
8. Strangers mistake him for a fat guy in a dog suit
7. Collar is a forty-eight inch belt from Today's Man
6. Answers to the name "Cheney"
5. His dish is filled with Kibbles, Bits, and Lipitor
4. Dog door is larger than your front door
3. Put his head out the window and the car tipped over
2. He's the only dog that knows how to work a deep fryer
1. Never have to say "Stay" since his fat ass never moves
Friday Jan. 12, 2007
Letterman
"You know what? The weather has been crazy here lately. Like last weekend, it was 70 degrees, and it has been unbelievably warm. It's the warmest January ever. Can you – it's hard to believe, isn't it? It's crazy. I was walking through Central Park earlier today – here's how warm it has been lately. And I think, well, it's spring-like, I think I see a robin red-breast, you know, in Central Park – turns out it was just a pigeon with a chest wound."
"Scientists, of course, are blaming the warm weather on El Nino. Mel Gibson is blaming it on – well, that's another story."
"How about this? On this very day in 1861, the first elevator was introduced here in New York City. First elevator ever in New York City, or, as we call them now, restrooms ... And it took them ten more years to develop the 'ding.'"
"Somebody told me this afternoon 14 years ago on this day, I announced that I was leaving NBC. You know, Paul and I used to do the same show at NBC for less money, and it was 14 years ago that I announced that I was leaving to come here. And I still get kind of teary-eyed when I think about being escorted out of the building by security."
"But I want to tell you something: they treat us great here at CBS, don't they? It's unbelievable: we get a wash cloth, we get a toothbrush and a copy of the Koran."
"Are you folks football fans? Big weekend for football – the NFL playoffs continue, and this weekend, the Jets and the Giants will be playing golf."
"Maybe you heard about this: Randy Johnson, used to play for the Diamondbacks, came to play for the New York Yankees – well, he's been traded back to the Diamondbacks. It's crazy. So, now this season, the oldest, most over-priced thing at Yankee Stadium will be the hot dogs."
Friday Night January 12
Leno
It was cold out today. It was so cold it was colder than Kevin Federline’s recording career.
Hillary Clinton is getting ready to go to Iraq. While she’s on her way to Iraq Bill is hitting on a girl with a rack.
President Bush said he didn’t feel well today. Something didn’t agree with him. Yeah, like the entire country.
In his speech the other night President Bush took responsibility for mistakes that have been made in Iraq. Donald Rumsfeld is thinking, "Hey why did I get fired?”
Rosie and Donald are still feuding. It’s gotten pretty bad because Miss America has gone back to drinking again.
Chris Dodd says he is running for president. He says he has been having conversations in the mirror about running. The mirror first said, "Who are you again?”
Thurs. Jan. 11, 2007
Ferguson
David Beckham is coming to L.A. He is going to play for the Galaxy Soccer Team. Which is huge news! I think I speak for everyone when I say, "L.A. has a soccer team?”
I’m not sure about soccer in America. Americans didn’t give rat’s ass about World Cup. Maybe if it was held more often. Cause you know, if you do something once every four years people lose interest. It’s like a presidential election. Or sex after marriage.
David Beckham was I think the first described as "metrosexual.” First time I heard word metrosexual, I thought it meant guys who have sex in subway. I spent years riding the subway, hoping.
Thursday Night January 11
Leno
Last night President Bush announced plans to send 21,000 more troops to Iraq. 21,000? Where did he come up with that number? I don’t think there’s 20,000 people in America that agree with him.
Don’t you remember the good old days of the War in Iraq when we were just there to steal oil? Back when there was a purpose.
He gave the speech in the White House Library. Many people said that he looked lost or confused. Of course he did. He was in the library.
President Bush also said that every Iraqi will be ensured to get a piece of the oil revenue. Then Dick Cheney had a heart attack.
2006 has been officially named the hottest year on record. When he heard this Al Gore said, "Yes! Oh wait…that’s terrible I mean.”
Did you hear what Rosie had to say today on "The View”? Me neither, I couldn’t hear.
NBA star Jason Kidd is filing for divorce because he says his wife beats him up. He says she thinks he’s selfish, he’s cheating on her and she throws things at him. The Clintons just call that – Wednesday.
Letterman
"Cold here in New York City – finally, cold weather in New York City. It's chilly outside, isn't it? Whoo! It was so cold, I went into the Hello Deli just for the heartburn. It was so cold today, I took Viagra just for the warm flush. So cold, Barry Bonds tested positive for soup."
"You folks are here on a special night: everybody in the audience tonight in the Ed Sullivan Theater is full of people that have pissed off Rosie O'Donnell. I want to tell you, you folks ever watch the program 'The View'? It's just crazy over there. First of all, Rosie O'Donnell got into a fight with Donald Trump, and then Donald Trump attacked Rosie and then attacked Barbara Walters over there, and then Rosie attacked Barbara Walters. And it happened in the makeup room, and Barbara Walters picks up a stool because she's worried, and then Rosie's going after her with a mascara wand. But now, thank God, they say everything's fine, that the feud between Barbara and Rosie has been settled. It's settled, ladies and gentlemen. So that means, just about now, Barbara is dusting off her Star Jones 'We wish her well' speech.
"But, you know, you've got to be sympathetic to Rosie O'Donnell. She's under a great deal of pressure. Not only is she the co-host of 'The View,' she's also the mean guard at a women's prison."
"You folks see President Bush on television last night? Well, he took responsibility for the mistakes in Iraq and he also took responsibility for the collapse of the New York Giants."
"And people who watched the speech said that President Bush looked uncomfortable, and I was thinking, 'Looked uncomfortable? Of course, he's in a library surrounded by books.'"
"But here's the solution: it's the big surge. Bush is going to send more troops to Iraq. That's the solution, going to send more troops to Iraq, and I was thinking, you think he'd be doing this if he was still in the National Guard?"
Conan
The president gave a big speech last night. President Bush said that we will send 20,000 more troops to end the war. Not in Iraq. The war between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump.
Wed. Jan 10th, 2007
Letterman
"Boy, it’s cold today in New York City. Did you notice how cold it was? It was so cold in New York City today that Britney Spears is wearing underpants.”
"So cold earlier today, Donald Trump fired off a scathing letter to Al Roker.”
"It was so cold today, Mark McGwire was rejected by the Curling Hall of Fame.”
"Hey, a program note: earlier tonight on CBS, the premiere of a show called ‘Armed and Dangerous.’ Anybody see it? Erik Estrada and LaToya Jackson become police officers. Erik Estrada and LaToya Jackson become police officers, so now, now you can get arrested by two people who can’t get arrested."
"But, it’s a celebrity reality show with Erik Estrada and LaToya Jackson, so don’t miss, don’t miss the next week’s episode when they add the celebrities.”
"Earlier tonight, ladies and gentlemen, there was a big policy address from President Bush about the war in Iraq, and President Bush revealed his new strategy for that war. So, ladies and gentlemen, time to dust off the old ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner.”
"And also during his speech, Bush announced his plan for a phased withdrawal of Rosie O’Donnell from ‘The View.’”
"Have you been following the situation at ‘The View’? You know ‘The View,’ the show on ABC? Oh, it’s unbelievable. Rosie O’Donnell comes in and things go crazy. I mean, she’s an exciting, dynamic personality and has kind of a hair trigger. And yesterday, she and Barbara Walters got into a horrible fight in the make-up room, and Barbara Walters picked up a stool and went at her like that…and then Rosie busted off a beer bottle ... Yeah, it’s going to be better because they’ve gotten Rosie to agree to go off steroids.”
Wednesday Night January 10
Conan
President Bush will address the nation tomorrow night and his speech will pre-empt "Deal or no Deal." To appease fans of the show, the President will hide his Iraq strategy in one of 26 suitcases.
Yesterday, Al Sharpton was asked about running for President and he said, "I'm not hearing a lot of meat. When the meat hits the fire, we'll find out if there's some real meat there." Personally, I think it's a shame President Bush can't run again, because that would be one hell of a debate.
In a new interview, Paris Hilton says she is determined to show everyone that she's a serious actress. To prove her point, Paris had a threesome with Sir Ben Kingsley and Sir Anthony Hopkins.
Earlier tonight, President Bush addressed the nation about his new Iraq plan in a live speech broadcast from the White House library. Or, as President Bush calls it, "My Books on Tape Room."
Yesterday, at the White House, President Bush spoke to President Daniel Ortega of Nicaragua to congratulate him on his election. The phone call got off to an awkward start when Bush told Ortega that he loves his taco shells.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech yesterday where he said that he wanted to spend billions of dollars rebuilding California's infrastructure. Apparently, everyone thought it was a great speech, except for that 45-minute part where Arnold tried to say "infrastructure."
Britain announced today that they're working on plans to send the first British person to the moon. British officials say they've already chosen an astronaut - now they just need to figure out how to dehydrate meat pudding.
The company that makes Taser guns for law enforcement officials has begun selling a new model of Taser gun to the general public. The new Taser gun is available at any store - in the "accident waiting to happen" aisle.
Wed. Jan. 10th, 2007
Leno
You probably saw this on the news, huge fires in Malibu. Five homes burned to the ground. Today Mel Gibson blamed it on Hanukah candles.
Terrible fires in Malibu. Luckily nobody was injured. People had to evacuate. In fact, Britney spears ran out of the house without any underwear on. But that was two hours before the fire started. In fact, this was the first time homes in Malibu have been threatened by something other than divorce lawyers. They’re calling this fire the worst disaster to hit Malibu since president bush’s re-election.
President Bush tonight announced that he is creating 20,000 new jobs. They are all in Iraq. As you know, president bush said that he’s ordering a surge in troops in Iraq. You know, the last time a president had a surge, he got impeached. No, I’m sorry, that was an urge. I get confused. I guess President Bush wants to send in 20,000 more troops to Iraq because he believes it will stop the fighting.
How can we stop the fighting in Iraq, we can’t even stop the fighting between Rosie O’donnell and Donald Trump. What’s going on with those two? I don’t know why these two huge celebrities can’t act phony and pretend to like each other like all the other celebrities do. Barbara Walters and Rosie O’donnell are having a feud. This is the angriest that Barbara Walters has been at someone since she got in that shoving match with Mary Todd Lincoln. Remember that a while back? On "the view” the other day Barbara Walters said she wished they could rise above all of this. Then they showed her how good the ratings were and said, "never mind.”
Did you hear about this? A U.S. submarine, the Newport News, collided with a Japanese oil tanker in the straits of Hormuz. When he heard about it, President Bush immediately called to make sure the oil was okay. Luckily nobody was injured.
Speaking of that, oil prices continue to fall. It’s now dropped below 54 dollars a barrel. So if oil is less than 54 dollars a barrel why did it cost me like $62 to fill up my car this morning? I know I’m not using the whole barrel!
The Washington Post reports that John Kerry is hiring staff and preparing another run for the White House. He is telling people he will not make the same mistakes again. This time, all new mistakes.
Governor Schwarzenegger has called for universal health care coverage for all Californians. He came up with this idea while breaking his leg falling down the ski slopes in Idaho. There’s nothing like a week of dealing with your HMO to convince you we need universal health coverage.
This week, at the big consumer electronics show, in Las Vegas, apple unveiled their first combination ipod and cell phone. They say their goal is to create the most annoying person ever to sit behind you in a movie theater. Have you heard about this thing? It’s an ipod, cell phone, and also a camera. It allows you to surf the internet too. They expect it to completely dominate the electronic industry…for at least a week. How about a cell phone you can actually talk to people on…and hear them? Why don’t we try that first? Would you watch movies on a cell phone? How blind would you be then? As if people don’t have enough car accidents. "I can’t take this call, I’m watching a movie.”
Taser international has begun selling a new stylish cell phone size stun gun for regular use by ordinary people. Normally you have to have a license. This is a stun gun that anyone can buy. It’s $350, and sends 50,000 volts for 30 seconds and can be used 50 times before re-charging. Look, if you live in a neighborhood where you have to stun attackers 50 times before you get home, you might want to move to a better neighborhood.
Mark McGwire not getting into the hall of fame. Turns out his head is too big. Can’t get through ...
According to researchers at the university of Texas, women who suffer from bad PMS have better memories. You know what they remember? Every stupid thing you ever did.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Features of Bush's New Iraq Plan
10. Make the war best two-out-of-three
9. Blame it on that crazy New York gas leak
8. Convene blue-ribbon study group; ignore recommendations
7. Consult with Rumsfeld, who's now working as a casino greeter
6. Sit on ass until January 2009; let Hillary figure it out
5. Send Cheney to Baghdad with a shotgun
4. Tax cuts for the rich
3. Put Giants coach Tom Coughlin in charge of enemy, watch them collapse
2. Raise money for escalation by robbing Mick Jagger's apartment
1. Dig up Saddam and execute him again
Ferguson
The president made a speech today so that’s always good. It’s always nice he makes a speech. He unveiled a plan to send more troops to Iraq. You know what we should do, send Trump and Rosie, let them go nuts.
The big sports news today as well, Mark McGuire was shutout of the Baseball Hall of Fame. Cause of the allegations he used steroids. On the upside though, he was voted into the Shriveled Testicles Hall of Fame.
With regard to Dracula’s castle being for sale: I wouldn’t buy this castle, even if I had $73 million. Castle every 20 feet in Scotland. Castles inside other castles. They were the Starbucks of the Dark Ages. |
