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Politics : The Environmentalist Thread -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Wharf Rat who wrote (10654)	3/21/2007 12:42:38 AM
From: Wharf Rat	Respond to of 36917

"Rat" "Sir?" "Now that we have successfully transited this black hole, I am cleared to tell you your mission. Starfleet Command has given me these sealed orders. Science Officer West... We have just entered Hawking's Universe, 3B1. The planet you see below us is Denile, the third planet in the Sceptic System, on the outer right fringe of the Obfuscation Galaxy. We have had only preliminary contact with the Nihilists, so much of what we know comes from other races. Apparently Sceptic shines mainly in the deep UV spectrum, and it is a colorless world. Indeed, it appears to be an old fashioned black and white negative, with black snow and white roads, etc. The Asgard apparently tried to trade dyes to them, but the only one to show up in the light of Sceptic was red, which apparently incited the natives to riot, altho, strangely enuf the Sceptic Empire flag is black with white writing saying "Red State". That remains a mystery. The Nihilists are a somewhat backward race, and they appear to offer little in the way of trade material. They worship an eight armed god named Exxon, and they believe he has a pet turtle named Atlas who balances their flat planet on its back. They have only rudimentary knowledge of science. We've been able to obtain a photo of one of their most advanced research labs. They have been able to prove that black is white and up is down and Denile sucks them to the ground and light travels at 17mph. They believe the stars they see all the time are pinholes in Exxon's raincoat, and there are vague plans to climb up and patch them, to keep Exxon dry. Starfleet command feels we cannot allow them the secrets of the universe since they are a race prone to violence; typically, their enemies are drowned in mud, and then drawn and quartered. You must in no way allow them to believe we are more advanced than they are, so you will proceed to the surface and hide the shuttlecraft in plain sight. The best thing is to lock it up, lie next to it, and tell the first people who find you that it fell out of the sky just a little bit east of Moline and landed on your head. Our estimate is that you will be viewed as a hero for saving Denile from an asteroid. Use your new influence to try and develop a relationship with them. They hae little to offer but entertainers, and we have precious little we will allow them to have, in the name of inter-universal peace. They do value diamonds, so we might consider trading some of our carbon sequestration to them for the contracts for some of their comedy acts and for some oxygen. The Nihilists are a very sensitive race,and are acutely paranoid and insecure. The Dunadine tell us it is imperative that they feel superior to you, or they will lose face. They hold themselves up as the moral paragon of virtue in their universe, what they can see of it, and must be appeased by telling them you recognize that you are tragically flawed. Once you have been appropriately humbled in their eyes, you will be expected to sacrifice 50 green frog skins to the eight armed Exxon. It is also customary to leave a can of Playdough and an offering of hemlock for Atlas. Shrug if you like at their customs, but also remember you never change your underwear in the middle of a winning streak. We offer our best wishes for success, but, frankly, we believe it would take a Goreacle. Nonetheless, We think it imperative to open up relations with another universe. By order of BuSecShips, Starfleet Command" "Yes, Sir". "nd Rat? The Enterprise is ordered to standby back outside the wormhole. Return to us when you can. You have 12 days. Good night and good luck." "Thank you, Captain Namaste."