Today's transcript of Steven Colbert on 'Meet The Press'....
MR. RUSSERT: Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert on 2,000--Decision 2008, after this brief station break.
(Announcements)
MR. RUSSERT: And we are back.
Mr. Colbert, welcome.
MR. COLBERT: Thank you.
MR. RUSSERT: This is what the world watched on Tuesday night.
(Videotape)
MR. COLBERT: Well, after nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I shall seek the office of the president of the United States! I am doing it.
(End videotape)
MR. RUSSERT: We’re no—we know you’re doing it...
MR. COLBERT Yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: ...but why are you doing it?
MR. COLBERT: I’m doing it, Tim, because I think our country is facing unprecedented challenges in the future. And I think that the junctures that we face are both critical and unforeseen, and the real challenge is how we will respond to these junctures, be they unprecedented or unforeseen, or, God help us, critical.
MR. RUSSERT: You’ve thought this through.
MR. COLBERT: That’s a generous estimation. Thank you.
MR. RUSSERT: The press reaction to your announcement has been mixed. Here’s one headline.
MR. COLBERT: OK.
MR. RUSSERT: This was on Thursday. “Electile Dysfunction: Colbert Running For” president.
MR. COLBERT: That’s good work. That’s good work.
MR. RUSSERT: Are they, are they questioning, shall we say, your stamina?
MR. COLBERT: I don’t know. I think a lot of people are asking whether—they say is this, is this real, you know? And to which I would say to everybody, this is not a dream, OK? You’re not going to wake up from this, OK? I’m, I’m, I’m far realer than Sam Brownback, let me put it that way.
MR. RUSSERT: Authenticity’s important to the voter.
MR. COLBERT: Absolutely. You got to, you got to convey to them that you mean what you say, and that you’ve put some thought into what you do.
MR. RUSSERT: Many people in your family, and you used to be Colbert (pronounces it Colburt).
MR. COLBERT: Right, yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: You are now Colbert (pronounces it Colbare).
MR. COLBERT: Yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: I would be Russert (pronounces it Russare)?
MR. COLBERT: Russert. Russert (pronounces it Roosare). Yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: OK.
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: “Sesame Street.” There are two characters...
MR. COLBERT: Is this...
MR. RUSSERT: ...Ernie and...
MR. COLBERT: And Bert. Ernie and Bert.
MR. RUSSERT: B-E-R-T.
MR. COLBERT: Yes.
MR. RUSSERT: Then why aren’t you Colbert?
MR. COLBERT: Are you saying that I don’t have the right to drop the T in my name? Are you saying that? Last time I checked, this was America. Or does that mean not a thing to you anymore?
MR. RUSSERT: Then why not call him “Ber”?
MR. COLBERT: Because that’s his choice. You’ll have to ask him. I dare you.
MR. RUSSERT: Are you...
MR. COLBERT: Ask him. Right now.
MR. RUSSERT: But why did you change your name?
MR. COLBERT: I changed my name because I knew that there were people out there who, who needed T’s.
MR. RUSSERT: Not comfortable in your own skin?
MR. COLBERT: Oh, I’m extremely comfortable in my own skin. I’m comfortable in other people’s skin.
MR. RUSSERT: Why are you running only in South Carolina?
MR. COLBERT: Because I believe that it’s the greatest state of the union, I believe there are things that—I believe I can make a difference there. I think it is time to focus on South Carolina. Florida tried to jump South Carolina’s primary date for both the Republicans and the Democrats. I want to put the focus back on South Carolina. I want it to be a permanent thing. I don’t want Iowa and New Hampshire to be the only people in the United States who get to control who is a bellwether state. And if Iowa and New Hampshire don’t like that, they can take some of that Iowa corn and stick it right up their Dixville Notch.
MR. RUSSERT: You—yet another attempt at humor, Mr. Colbert. You say...
MR. COLBERT: Oh, I’m serious.
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MR. RUSSERT: Are you...
MR. COLBERT: I’m serious.
MR. RUSSERT: Are you, are you a son of South Carolina?
MR. COLBERT: I am.
MR. RUSSERT: You know a lot about the state?
MR. COLBERT: I do.
MR. RUSSERT: What’s the state amphibian?
MR. COLBERT: The state amphibian?
MR. RUSSERT: Yeah.
MR. COLBERT: It’s my dog Cookie.
MR. RUSSERT: No, no, it’s not.
MR. COLBERT: She swims, and she goes on land.
MR. RUSSERT: It’s the spotted salamander.
MR. COLBERT: That’s the easiest—what’s the state flower, sir? What’s the state...
MR. RUSSERT: Go ahead. Go ahead.
MR. COLBERT: The confederate jasmine, also known as the yellow jasmine.
MR. RUSSERT: Well done.
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: What’s the state motto?
MR. COLBERT: Dum spiro spero.
MR. RUSSERT: Which means?
MR. COLBERT: While I breathe, I hope. Come on! I thought you had better researchers! You can’t nail me with harder things than this?
MR. RUSSERT: The mandatory presidential campaign book. All the candidates who have them. Yours is out, “I Am America (And So Can You!)” On Iraq, this is what you say. “Once again, God won the war. He just doesn’t occupy very well.”
MR. COLBERT: Yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: God’s on our side in Iraq?
MR. COLBERT: I, I would say he’s not on their side. Do you, do you think he’s on our enemy’s—do you think he’s on our enemy’s side?
MR. RUSSERT: I’m only asking—I’m asking the questions.
MR. COLBERT: Because you’re implying—these are your words. Not mine.
MR. RUSSERT: These are your words from your book.
MR. COLBERT: But your words are certainly in your question. You’ll have to grant me that.
MR. RUSSERT: So God’s not an occupier?
MR. COLBERT: He just didn’t occupy very well in Iraq.
MR. RUSSERT: You know, if you look at the voting blocks that exist in South Carolina and around the country...
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: ...I’m quite surprised the way you treat them in this book.
MR. COLBERT: What do you mean?
MR. RUSSERT: Senior citizens? This is what you call them, old people.
“Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts?”
MR. COLBERT: Well, Tim, I, I just don’t understand pensions or Social Security. Why do you get paid after you stop working? That doesn’t make any sense to me.
MR. RUSSERT: Abolish Social Security?
MR. COLBERT: Yes.
MR. RUSSERT: Abolish Medicare?
MR. COLBERT: Yes.
MR. RUSSERT: Abolish all pensions?
MR. COLBERT: Abolish tipping waiters and waitresses because I’ve gotten my food. They get paid by the hour. Why am I giving them extra money? That’s all pensions and Social Security are. It’s a tip at the end of your life.
MR. RUSSERT: Senior voters gone. Now fathers. Again, your words, your book. “The father.”
MR. COLBERT: Mm.
MR. RUSSERT: “America used to live by the motto ‘Father knows best.’ Now we’re lucky if ‘Father Knows He Has Children.’ There’s more to being a father than taking kids to Chuck E. Cheese and supplying the occasional Y-chromosome. A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased”?
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: Are you a presidential candidate who speaks to your children?
MR. COLBERT: Oh, absolutely.
MR. RUSSERT: Do you think candidates should speak to their children?
MR. COLBERT: If they have them. I don’t think that you have to have children to be a presidential candidate. It might actually help to, you know, move in a quickened light.
MR. RUSSERT: The mother, another source of...
MR. COLBERT: Yeah. I love my mother. You’re not going to, you’re not going to attack me for loving my mother, are you?
MR. RUSSERT: You attack all mothers in your book. Again, your words, Mr. Colbert. And here they are.
“Scientists have proven, one assumes, that every flaw in a child can be traced back to a mistake made by the mother. As adults we’re all imperfect, so that means all mothers are incompetent. But some mothers are worse than others. Take women who work. If you work outside the home, you might as well bring coconut arsenic squares to the school bake sale.”
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: Doesn’t Hillary Clinton work outside the home?
MR. COLBERT: I believe she does, yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: Are you talking about her?
MR. COLBERT: I’m talking about all mothers who don’t spend all their time thinking about their children and nothing else.
MR. RUSSERT: Women should be out of the work force?
MR. COLBERT: No, they can be in the work force as long as they bring their children with them. That’s, that’s all I mean to imply.
MR. RUSSERT: Gay marriage.
MR. COLBERT: Yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: This is, again, from the Colbert Bible.
MR. COLBERT: Yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: “The biggest threat,” you say, “facing America today—next to socialized medicine, the Dyson vacuum cleaner and the recumbent bicycle.”
MR. COLBERT: Yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: That, to you, that means it’s a serious threat to our culture.
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MR. COLBERT: Right. It, it, it’s...
MR. RUSSERT: Why?
MR. COLBERT: Excuse me?
MR. RUSSERT: Why?
MR. COLBERT: Why is gay marriage?
MR. RUSSERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. COLBERT: Marriage is the basic building block of society. And if gay men get married, that threatens my marriage immediately because I only got married as a taunt toward gay men because they couldn’t.
MR. RUSSERT: So it makes you feel insecure.
MR. COLBERT: Well, I just don’t know else—why I got married other than to rub it in gay people’s faces.
MR. RUSSERT: Would you consider Senator Larry Craig as your running mate?
MR. COLBERT: I would.
MR. RUSSERT: Have you had conversations with him?
MR. COLBERT: Define conversation.
MR. RUSSERT: Have you spoken to him?
MR. COLBERT: No, no.
MR. RUSSERT: Have you met with him? Have you been in the same room together?
MR. COLBERT: Yes. And my...
MR. RUSSERT: And how...
MR. COLBERT: Sorry, my lawyer’s telling me to say no more.
MR. RUSSERT: How did you express your interest in developing your relationship?
MR. COLBERT: Forcefully.
MR. RUSSERT: Vanity Fair...
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: ...wrote this...
MR. COLBERT: The fine news magazine.
MR. RUSSERT: This is what they said: “Unlike many of his friends, Colbert did not return to Charleston,” South Carolina, “after graduation,” from Northwestern, I might add, “instead staying in Chicago. He cut a distinctly un-southern look: he wore black turtlenecks, had what he describes as a ‘Jesus beard,’ and grew his hair out.” Now, NBC News MEET THE PRESS...
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: ...has researched this.
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm. Oh, I know all about your researchers.
MR. RUSSERT: Take a look at this picture. That is you!
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: Do you deny it?
MR. COLBERT: I, I don’t deny it. What good would it do me?
MR. RUSSERT: All right. Do...
MR. COLBERT: I—my time away, my time away...
MR. RUSSERT: Do you, do you know, do you know, do you know a gentleman named Chip Hill?
MR. COLBERT: My time away from the South—I’m familiar with Mr. Hill.
MR. RUSSERT: You’ve known him 30 years.
MR. COLBERT: I have, yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: He’s godfather to your child.
MR. COLBERT: Yes, he is.
MR. RUSSERT: This is what Mr. Hill had to say: “When he was growing up, Colbert, according to Chip Hill, used to joke about how he ‘wanted to major in mass psychology and start a cult.’”
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: I want to see that picture again. That’s a cult leader.
MR. COLBERT: Look, I don’t deny that my time away from the South has been a time in the desert for me, and...
MR. RUSSERT: Do you have Manson tendencies?
MR. COLBERT: Inclinations is as strong as I would go. I don’t actually have a group of people who, who I can snap my fingers and have them attack people.
MR. RUSSERT: But you would like to be a cult leader?
MR. COLBERT: I, I did, at the time, want to be a cult leader. I find that being a TV pundit is, is much more powerful, and you have to be less reliable.
MR. RUSSERT: But would being president be, in your mind, a cult leader?
MR. COLBERT: I don’t want to be president. I want to run for president. There’s a difference. I’m running in South Carolina.
MR. RUSSERT: You’d like to lose?
MR. COLBERT: Hm, I’d like to lose twice. I’d like to lose as both a Republican and a Democrat.
MR. RUSSERT: And what statement would that make?
MR. COLBERT: I think that statement would make that I was able to get on the ballot in South Carolina. And if I can do it, so can you.
MR. RUSSERT: In your office in New York City...
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: ...you have a large...
MR. COLBERT: You’ve been in my office.
MR. RUSSERT: ...a large poster of a president, don’t you?
MR. COLBERT: Richard Nixon.
MR. RUSSERT: Yes, indeed.
MR. COLBERT: 1972. Now more than ever.
MR. RUSSERT: Now, let me show you and our viewers what you said about that. And “Here’s something Colbertophiles might not know or might not want to know: He loves Richard Nixon. He has a 1972 Nixon campaign poster on the wall of his office. He points at it and says, ‘He was so liberal! Look at what he was running on. He started the EPA. He gave 18-year-olds the vote. His issues were education, drugs, women, minorities, youth involvement, ending the draft, and improving the environment. John Kerry couldn’t have run on this!” What I would give for a Nixon.
MR. COLBERT: It’d be great. It’d be great.
MR. RUSSERT: You, you love Richard Nixon.
MR. COLBERT: I have great warm feelings for Richard Nixon. He was the first president that I was aware of, and I was a little upset with him because, when I would come home in the afternoons from school, instead of “The Munsters” or “The Three Stooges” on TV, it was Senator Sam Urban. And while his eyebrows were hilarious, they weren’t quite as good as Herman Munster.
MR. RUSSERT: Would you be Nixonian in your approach to the presidency?
MR. COLBERT: I’d be Nixonish or Nixonoid. Is that like being Nixonian? Define Nixonian. Powerful?
MR. RUSSERT: (Unintelligible)
MR. COLBERT: Paranoid? Fun-loving and gay? Absolutely.
MR. RUSSERT: Is this a self-analysis?
MR. COLBERT: No, I don’t put myself on the couch.
MR. RUSSERT: But you are Nixonian.
MR. COLBERT: If you say so.
MR. RUSSERT: Well, you just did.
MR. COLBERT: Again, if you say so. I don’t even listen to what I say.
MR. RUSSERT: Richard Nixon had a very difficult relationship with the media, as you well know.
MR. COLBERT: I have a very difficult relationship with the media.
MR. RUSSERT: That’s my point.
MR. COLBERT: Because I’m a member of the media, and I don’t trust us.
MR. RUSSERT: You don’t, you don’t have Nixon to kick around anymore. Do you remember that?
MR. COLBERT: I do.
MR. RUSSERT: And I remember the White House correspondents? dinner, April of 2006.
MR. COLBERT: I blacked out for most of that, but go ahead.
MR. RUSSERT: Stephen Colbert...
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: ...at the presidential podium, the seal in front of him...
MR. COLBERT: Mm-hmm.
MR. RUSSERT: ...and this is what he said to the Washington Press Corps. Let’s watch.
MR. COLBERT: Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration? You know, fiction.
(End videotape)
MR. COLBERT: Yeah. That sounds familiar.
MR. RUSSERT: And why did you say that?
MR. COLBERT: Be—I just had so much respect for the way the press supported the goals of the administration for the first four years. And I was just so distressed that, at any point, they started standing up to the administration asking questions, and, and I just couldn’t understand why they couldn’t go back to the good old days of 2001 to mid-2004.
MR. RUSSERT: Which, which did you prefer?
MR. COLBERT: I preferred when they didn’t ask any questions at all. I mean, it was easier for the president to get things done, and that’s what he’s there for.
MR. RUSSERT: What do you watch, yourself, as a person preparing a run for the presidency?
MR. COLBERT: I watch my show to get a pulse for the nation. I have to watch Jon Stewart’s show because he tosses to me at the end of his show. I like “Grey’s Anatomy,” that’s a pretty good show. I like Conan O’Brien.
MR. RUSSERT: These men you’re describing, aren’t they liberal?
MR. COLBERT: Jon’s—I would say Jon has had some misguided statements. I don’t think Conan’s liberal. I don’t think Conan’s made any political statements.
MR. RUSSERT: If you are trounced in South Carolina, I mean...
MR. COLBERT: All right, all right, here’s the attack. Yeah. All right.
MR. RUSSERT: Simple question.
MR. COLBERT: Yeah, I’m trounced.
MR. RUSSERT: What happens then?
MR. COLBERT: Well, it’s proportional voting on the Democratic side. All I need is enough votes on the Democratic side to get one delegate, and I’ll feel like I’ve won. Because if, at the Democratic National Convention, somebody has to stand up and say, “The proud state of South Carolina, the palmetto state, the home of the greatest peaches and shrimp in the world, casts one vote for native son, Stephen Colbert,” I’d say I won.
MR. RUSSERT: So you will not allow that Democratic convention to claim their nominee. There will be no unanimous acclamation.
MR. COLBERT: No...
MR. RUSSERT: You’re going to stop that.
MR. COLBERT: Listen, why else run as a favorite son if you’re not going to broker a convention. And if I get, and if I get a delegate, it will be a brokered convention. Unless they offer me to speak there, then maybe I would turn over my delegate.
MR. RUSSERT: Well, we want to thank you for joining us and sharing your views.
MR. COLBERT: Thank you very much.
MR. RUSSERT: It’s going to be a...
MR. COLBERT: It’s been an honor.
MR. RUSSERT: It’s going to be an interesting campaign to cover.
MR. COLBERT: Thank you very much. Can I—am I allowed to ask people for money on your show?
MR. RUSSERT: You have an 800 number you want us to give out?
MR. COLBERT: I have a Web site.
MR. RUSSERT: I’m not going to do that.
MR. COLBERT: No?
MR. RUSSERT: But I am going to ask you to be safe on the campaign trail.
MR. COLBERT: Thank you very much.
MR. RUSSERT: And you can read an excerpt of Mr. Colbert’s new book or campaign manifesto, “I Am America (And So Can You)!” on our Web site. Plus, watch our MEET THE PRESS Take Two Web extra. Stephen Colbert goes out of character and reflects on his job and family. A rare conversation with the real Stephen Colbert on our Web site this afternoon, mtp.msnbc.com. And we’ll be right back.
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