Obama Reaches Out to 'Moderate' Pirate Community
Posted by Jon at 4/9/2009 11:15 AM
Categories: Jon,Politics,Humor
After maintaining his silence for two days, President Obama will soon make his first public statement about the pirate attack upon an U.S.-flagged vessel off the Horn of Africa. After several inquiries and a few well-placed bribes, Exurban League has received an early transcript of the President's remarks:
Image source.
Good evening. As you know, early yesterday, Somali-based pirates attacked the Maersk Alabama, a freighter carrying relief supplies to Kenya. While we do not yet know all the details, the Alabama's crew re-took control of the vessel and forced the pirates off the ship.
Since the pirates are still holding the captain, I have sent FBI negotiators to facilitate his safe and speedy release. I assure his friends and family that I will not stop until this man-made disaster is resolved in a peaceful, tolerant and ecologically-sound manner.
Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.
For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.
The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.
Some of us wonder if our current Overseas Contingency Operation would even be needed had the last administration not been so quick to label Pirates as "thieves," "terrorists" and worse. Such swashbucklaphobia can lead to tragic results, as we have seen this week.
To address this issue, I have instructed Vice President Joe Biden to create a cabinet-level Czar of Pirate Outreach and Buccaneer Interrelation. In addition, June 1-7 has been designated as Pirate Awareness Week, during which all federal buildings will fly the Jolly Roger and sponsor sensitivity training. Thankfully, my American Recovery and Reinvestment Act will fund free grog and hard tack for all attendees.
Finally, to all pirates listening to international broadcasts, shortwave services and ship-to-shore radio, let me say this:
Ahoy, me regret arr relationship has set sail in a scurvy manner. Arr people share many mutual 'alues and concerns on t' raging main. Perchance, could ye handsomely release the cap'n o' the ship and I assure that no harm will come t' ye or ye hearties. Let us smite t' reset button and launch our seabond on a new pegleg. Savvy? Godspeed t' ye and t' ye beauties. Aye, me parrot concurs.
exurbanleague.com
tigerhawk.blogspot.com
Resolved: Vikings > Pirates.
Posted by Jon at 4/10/2009 10:38 AM
Since our moderate Pirate parody was passed around the Net, several left-of-center commentators have politely asked, "well, what the $#%^* would you do, you #%^*in' neocon #%^*-#%^*-er, imperiali$t dumb-$#%^* #%^*ing running-$#%^*-dawg $#%^* $#%^*-$#%^* 4 TEH $#%^*$#%^* AND $#%^* $#%^*? $#%^*!!1"
Frankly, my Pirate solution is simple. Instead of reaching out to negotiate with those who wish us nothing but ill, we must reluctantly fight fire with fire. And we should use fire which is hotter and even more flamey.
Artist rendering.
So, who can stand up to the barbarism and savagery of Pirates? Only one group: Vikings.
"But, Jon, what about Ninjas?" Granted, Ninjas use their stealthy, catlike skills brilliantly on land. But like their feline brethren, get them near water and they couldn't fight off an asthmatic girl scout.
Vikings ruled the seas far longer than did the lowly Pirates. These fearsome Norsemen marauded, pillaged and terrorized waters from Byzantium to Vinland centuries before the first disaffected Limey compensated for his stubby leg with a flamboyant parrot.
President Obama should immediately built a small fleet of wooden longboats capable of sustained littoral operations. Supply routes are unnecessary since the Vikings simply raid unprotected coastal areas for supplies. And, powered by wind and oar, this truly green-water fleet should easily pass muster with the EPA and most environmental NGOs.
There could be some political pushback about a force exclusively staffed by burly blonde males, but Democrats from the northern Midwest should be happy to have those types out of their districts for good. Expect newly minted Minnesota senator Al Franken to co-sponsor the Viking Authorization Bill, building up his defense bona fides.
"But Jon, why use swords, clubs and battle-axes when we have a modern, well-equipped Navy already in the region?" First Ninjas, now this? You sir, are a foreign policy dilettante.
Sure, we could send a destroyer to sink a fleet of Somali dinghies, but where's the fun in that? In politics, perception is reality and Vikings vs. Pirates is flat-out COOL.
Can you imagine the YouTube videos? Cable news would help fund the initiative just for the ratings boost.
Therefore, Exurban League calls on President Obama to do the right thing for our country, free trade and our entertainment: Use Vikings to kill the Pirates. If not for us, Sir, then for the children.
exurbanleague.com |
