Let’s Rename It Jackass Hill
by Skip Press
Rolling back the years in my mind, I found myself wondering what Mark Twain would think of modern politics, and it seemed pretty clear what he would say. Once again, it proves that good things can come out of hard times, but before I go any further, let’s go over some definitions.
Jackass (take your pick):
1. A male ass or donkey.
2. A foolish or stupid person; a blockhead
3. A man who is a stupid incompetent fool
Jackass Hill (the second is my definition):
1. The California location of the cabin where Sam Clemens worked on the jumping frog story that made him internationally famous as Mark Twain.
2. The location of the 2009 American Congress.
Given the recent defection of Sen. Arlen Specter to the Democratic Party, which any sane person must view simply as a long-time resident heading back to the asylum because he can’t handle the real world, that prompts me to propose that Capitol Hill be renamed Jackass Hill. After all, the Democrats are braying all over the media about how overwhelmingly America approves of their every action, despite the fact that Barack Obama had only a tiny margin of victory higher than George W. Bush in 2004.
And the mascot of the Democratic Party is indeed a jackass.
Just think, we Americans could soon have 60 jackasses in the Senate, a majority of jackasses in the House, and one that can read a teleprompter braying nearby. Why, it’s enough to remind us of Mark Twain’s quotes on American politicians:
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain, a Biography
All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.
- Mark Twain’s Autobiography
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
- Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar
…I never can think of Judas Iscariot without losing my temper. To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature, Congressman.
- “Foster’s Case”, New York Tribune, 3/10/1873
No matter how healthy a man’s morals may be when he enters the White House, he comes out again with a pot-marked soul.
- quoted in My Father Mark Twain, Clara Clemens
History has tried hard to teach us that we can’t have good government under politicians. Now, to go and stick one at the very head of the government couldn’t be wise.
- New York Herald, 8/26/1876
The new political gospel: public office is private graft.
- More Maxims of Mark, Johnson, 1927
Twain must’ve been looking into the future at Arlen Specter’s goofy mug when he spoke to the Tribune, and as such, distracted by a reporter, not realized he was foreseeing a Senator.
In any event, I propose that henceforth, while they’re still allowed, any public prayers proffered on Jackass Hill begin with “Let us bray.” If they can’t get anything else right, at least they can acknowledge their nature in front of God and everybody.
I don’t want to dwell on Arlen Specter, out of respect for his being a ballistics expert, as proven during Warren Commission days when he invented the “magic bullet” that killed President Kennedy and wounded Governor Connally.
I’m simply standing up for honesty in politics. If Al Franken actually becomes the Senator from Minnesota, continuing in the state’s tradition of nutty politicians like Walter Mondale and Jesse Ventura, why, who better as poster child for a braying jackass? Let’s call it Jackass Hill and be done with it. Franken will feel more welcome when he arrives.
Although Mark Twain said at one time that he considered himself an independent, he did admit to voting for more Republicans than not, and one of his crowning glories as a publisher was the autobiography of President U.S. Grant. He also presided at a Republican meeting and urged people to work for Rutherford B. Hayes and William A. Wheeler in the Presidential campaign.
In that October 1, 1876 speech in Hartford, Twain bemoaned inexperienced politicians, saying things like: “Under a Treasury appointment we pour oceans of money and accompanying statistics through the hands and brain of an ignorant villager who never before could wrestle with a two weeks wash bill without getting thrown.”
Things haven’t changed much; these days, it was a tax bill.
In the same speech, Twain said: “Our present civil system, born of Gen. Jackson and the Democratic Party, is so idiotic, so contemptible, so grotesque, that it would make the very savages of Dabomey jeer and the very gods of solemnity laugh.”
In “The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County,” Twain wrote about an amphibian that supposedly couldn’t be beat, but while no one was watching, that frog got filled full of quail shot and couldn’t jump. Obviously, a person who would do such a thing was a jackass, and/or a Democrat.
Therefore, given the leaden lunacy that the current Congress and its leader are trying to jam down our throats to stop America in its tracks, I suggest that, until November, 2010 when the situation will be reverted, we rename Capitol Hill and call it Jackass Hill, in memory of Mark Twain.
And if you don’t agree, you are obviously a jackass and simply cannot admit it. |
