<a little off topic> Here's Dave Barry's analysis of Y2K:
> Published Friday, July 25, 1997, in the Miami Herald
>
> Getting the Bugs Out
> By DAVE BARRY
>
> We need to immediately stop whatever we are doing, especially if it is
> fun, and start worrying about the Millennium Bug.
>
> Here's the situation: Because of a programming glitch, many large,
> powerful computers have trouble understanding dates. I can sympathize,
> because I had exactly the same problem with American History in the
> eighth grade. The solution in my case was for the teacher, Mr.
> Fletcher, to occasionally give me a helpful whack on the head with his
> right hand, on which he wore an Iona College class ring the size of a
> Buick Roadmaster. This was a highly effective memory-enhancement
> technique, which is why I still remember that 1924 was the year of the
> Teapot Dome Scandal (which just this week was linked to Hillary
> Clinton).
>
> Unfortunately, Mr. Fletcher has retired, which means he is not
> available to whack some comprehension into our computers. But
> something needs to be done. Experts tell us that if the Millennium Bug
> is not fixed, when the year 2000 arrives, our financial records will
> be inaccurate, our telephone system will be unreliable, our government
> will be paralyzed and airline flights will be canceled without
> warning. In other words, things will be pretty much the same as they
> are now.
>
> Nevertheless the computer industry is very alarmed. Experts are
> estimating that the cost of fixing the Millennium Bug could run as
> high as $600 billion, an amount that -- to give you an idea of the
> scale -- is nearly twice what Bill Gates spends per month on lawn
> care.
>
> Why is the cost so high? Because experts are estimating it. You want a
> high price, you call an expert; you want a reasonable price, you call
> a guy named Skip. Recently, after our roof leaked, we had a guy named
> Skip come to our house and repair the water damage, which was fairly
> extensive because I, as the Man of the House, had spent 24 solid hours
> denying that the roof was leaking. Skip -- who has worked as a
> painter, carpenter, roofer and lobsterperson -- repaired it in one day
> for a very reasonable price. I bet that if the computer industry asked
> Skip to fix the Millennium
> Bug, he'd take a look at the problem, go get some parts out of his
> truck and have the whole thing straightened out in a matter of hours,
> after which he could, if desired, catch the computer industry a
> lobster.
>
> But since experts are working on the Millennium Bug, it will remain a
> huge problem for years to come. That's why you need to understand, via
> the Q-and-A format, how it will affect you.
>
> Q. What, exactly, is the Millennium Bug?
>
> A. In a nutshell, computers don't know what century it is. For
> example, they can't tell the difference between 1904 and 2004.
>
> Q. What IS the difference between 1904 and 2004?
>
> A. In 1904, Dick Clark was still exclusively a radio talent.
>
> Q. Wait a minute. You're telling me that these giant powerful
> computers that control our lives -- the computers that are SO PICKY
> about the information we give them; the computers that get into a big
> electronic snit if we get one digit wrong in the 27-digit account
> numbers they're always assigning us; the computers that refuse to put
> our telephone calls through
> if we're the teensiest bit inaccurate when we dial the number; the
> computers that would never, ever dream of giving us one extra dollar
> when we make a withdrawal from the automatic-teller machine -- you're
> telling me that these computers don't know what CENTURY it is?
>
> A. These are also the computers that designed the Hubble Space
> Telescope.
>
> Q. What is the federal government doing about the Millennium Bug?
>
> A. It has formed an Emergency Task Force, headed by Al Gore, which
> expects, within two years, to have a preliminary design for a logo.
>
> Q. I work in the Accounts Payable Department of a large multinational
> corporation, where I use my corporate computer primarily to access the
> Internet for the purpose of downloading pornography. How
> will the Millennium Bug affect me?
>
> A. Unless some corrective action is taken, you could very well be
> seeing pictures of naked people from 1904.
>
> Q. You had better not make another Dick Clark joke here.
>
> A. I'll say.
>
> Q. Speaking of naked people, what's the deal with all this sex in the
> military?
>
> A. Now we know why tanks don't have windows.
>
> Q. Will the Millennium Bug affect my federal tax return?
>
> A. The Internal Revenue Service, after conducting a thorough review of
> its entire computer system, has concluded that last year was actually
> 2096. This means that, in the words of a new IRS directive: ''You
> people are all WAY behind.''
>
> Q. I have found that if I keep my toenail clippings in plastic bags
> sorted by date, I can easily retrieve them as needed later on.
>
> A. This is the Millennium Q-and-A column; you apparently have it
> confused with ''Hints From Heloise.''
>
> Q. Well, could you leave this hint on her desk?
>
> A. She has no desk. She keeps all her worldly goods, including a
> cheese sandwich dating from 1979, in a shopping bag.
>
> Q. Is there a good way to end these Q-and-A columns?
>
> A. Not that I am aware of. |
