Geneat...well I guess you're right. There is no more informative post since Faris left. I will turn this thread to "Facts & jokes" for the Informative Jokers.
Here is some to start:
BURGLAR LOSES FINGER
WOOD RIVER, Ill. (Belleville News-Democrat, 09-09) - While trying to steal an 800-pound safe, a burglar left behind a very crucial piece of evidence - his finger.
Police found the finger while investigating a burglary at Chico's Lounge. A quick check at area hospitals revealed their suspect - Cary Rider, 43, of Ohio.
"While he was moving the safe, the safe came down on his finger," said Police officer William Weeler.
It was too late for doctors to attempt reattachment surgery. "By the time we found it, a couple of hours have gone by," said Weeler.
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HA, I WIN!
AKRON, Ohio (AP, 09-05) - A friendly wrestling match at a family reunion turned ugly when one man bit off a piece of a cousin's tongue.
Antoine Gaiter pinned down his 22-year-old, then bit off a piece of his tongue. Gaiter, 35, had been charged with assault.
Doctors failed to reattach the severed tongue.
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DROP YOUR SOCK!
MIAMI (Reuter, 09-09) - Police shot and wounded a man after they mistook a sock for a weapon.
Bobby Whipple had covered his hand with a sock to work on his car when 14 police officers surrounded him demanding "he puts down his weapon." Five officers opened fire when Whipple failed to "disarm" himself.
"Witnesses said that he had a gun and the officers assumed they were correct ... He took the position of an aggressive stance," said a police spokesperson.
Whipple, 27, is listed in good condition at Jackson Memorial Hospital.
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LOW LIFE
GLOUCESTER TOWNSHIP, N.J. (CNN, 09-09) - The man who robbed an 8-year-old girl of the $30 she earned from her lemonade stand was arrested after he tried to snatch the purse of an 82-year-old woman.
Amy Reader opened the lemonade stand to help raise money for her out-of-work parents. Brian James burns, 30, was arrested a few days later after snatching a woman's purse. He was jailed in lieu of $17,000 bail.
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UNDERWEAR BANDIT
KLAMATH FALLS, Ore. (AP, 09-04) - It didn't take long for police to arrest Brant E. Kirk for burglary. Kirk, 21, left his wallet and shorts in the front yard of the house he burglarized.
Kirk, wearing only his underwear, fled the scene after he assaulted one of the residents. The "underwear bandit" was captured a few hours later. He was charged with criminal mischief, burglary and assault.
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VERY HUNGRY MEN
ROMEO, Mich. (AP, 09-04) - Nothing was going to stop John St. Clair and Henry Kirst from getting to the Romeo Peach Festival's all-you-can-eat buffet. Not even a plane crash.
Their single-engine plane stalled, crashed and skidded upside down for about 50 yards. St. Clair, 82, and Kirst, 71, asked a passing motorist for a ride for the rest of the way.
Neither St. Clair nor Kirst mentioned the accident to any of the 100 guests attending the buffet. Only about 90 minutes later they mentioned their accident to the airport manager who immediately drove to the crash site.
"They're lucky men," said airport manager Robert Brereton. "I looked at the airplane and I said, 'My goodness.'"
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NO HAND, NO MONEY
NORFOLK, Va. (AP, 09-11) - The man who cut off his right hand because he thought it was possessed by the devil has lost his lawsuit against the doctor who followed the man's request not to reattach it.
Thomas Passmore, 33, sawed off his right hand when he saw the number 666, a biblical reference to the antichrist, on his hand. Witnesses say Passmore recalled the Bible verse "If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee," seconds before cutting it off. He refused to let doctors reattach it.
"My client is, of course, disappointed," said Passmore's attorney, Robert Brown.
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THE LAWYER FROM HELL
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (NT, 09-05) - Defendant Mark Gusow did not think his attorney was handling his perjury case well, so he fired her. Attorney Laura Morrison did not take the dismissal well. She invited her client outside the courtroom where she attacked him. The 52-year-old, 150 pounds woman grabbed Gusow, 36 and 140 pounds, in a headlock, scratched his face and blocked his way as he was trying to get free.
"She went bananas when I told her I wanted her off my case," said Gusow. "You never expect to be attacked by your own lawyer in the courthouse.
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
Speech to the nation by Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi which was broadcast by Libya's state-run television:
"The Western countries might invade you one day because of your sun. They don't have sun to produce solar energy, and Libya is a sunny country and is the best placed on the planet towards the sun. Sand is a raw material and the Libyan sand is of high quality. They might colonize you for your watermelons, which are excellent because of the quality of Libya's sand," said Gaddafi. "Libya has more than 1,200 km (750 miles) of coast on the Mediterranean. They might colonize you for that. The Libyan dates cannot be matched. They might want to colonize you for that. The camel is also a reason for them to invade Libya. The camel is unique because he can go for months without drinking. He also has good milk," Gaddafi added.
[Send in the Marines. I can only imagine myself parking my thirsty camel on the high-quality sandy Mediterranean beach, getting a tan from the best sun in the world while eating dates, watermelons and washing it down with some good camel milk. Now, that's the American dream.]
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IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS:
* A 77-year-old driver accidentally shot his wife who was sitting in the passenger seat of their vehicle. John MacWillie, an ex-cop from Hungtington Beach (Calif.), said he felt threatened by men in another car when he pulled out his gun and fired.
* The 4-foot-6 Hong Kong man who killed and dismembered his prostitute lover when she called him a "bloody dwarf" was cleared of murder and was only charged with a lesser crime of manslaughter. He was sentenced to five years in jail.
* Several Anamosa State Penitentiary inmates, responsible for producing vehicle license plates, were disciplined for dropping the letter "C" on some Cass County license plates. The new distinctive plates read "Ass County."
* Two teenagers who tried to become vampires by exchanging blood were charged in a juvenile court. Frank Doyle III, 17, was charged with assault even though Brandon Hettinger asked him to inject his blood. Hettinger, 13, was charged with being an unruly child.
* A bank robber was arrested at a Wendy's restaurant next door to the bank. The suspect din't even get a chance to bite into his cheeseburger combo meal.
* A Helsinki woman was arrested for driving with more alcohol in her blood that could be measured in a breath test. The 40-year-old woman was taken to a hospital after maximizing the police breath test unit. The hospital equipment recorded her alcohol blood level at 4.5 grams.
* The Procrastinators Club of America celebrated Be-Late-For-Something-Day last Friday. "There is nothing in this world you can't put off until later," said Les Waas, club president.
* Dozens of pigs were sucked 100 feet into the air and blown more than a quarter of a mile in their metal huts as a freak tornado struck a farm near Sutton-on-Trent, Nottinghampshire.
* The woman who neglected her three children because she is an Internet addict was placed on two years probation. Sandra Hacker, 24, spent most of her time online and neglected her children, ages 2, 3, and 5.
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BECKY D. of West Valley, Utah, writes:
"There is a family in West Valley who have their wedding anniversary on September 4th. Then, their child was born the next September 4th and their second child on September 4th the next year. They just had their third child week (you guessed it), September 4th. It was not planned and labor was not induced for any of the children."
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