To: Kenneth E. Phillipps who wrote (90486 ) 9/7/2010 7:39:13 AM From: Hope Praytochange 3 Recommendations Respond to of 224717 Weighing in at over 2,100 pages, the new Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act is a staggering achievement in verbosity, even by congressional standards. The new law is stuffed with hundreds of technicalities and loopholes that will take decades of man-hours and a mountain of Adderall to figure out. But never fear! Ever since DFWSRACPA hit—and broke—the office desk, we’ve had our crack forensics team here at JOI poring over the new law to find its most important—and overlooked—provisions: Prop trading, or the practice of banks trading securities for their own profit, has been banned. Banks may still trade on their own account, but only if they do so at a loss. To help consumers get back on their feet, their cars will be repossessed. A new Financial Services Oversight Council will monitor the markets for troubled businesses, identifying potential threats and labeling them with Parental Advisory Stickers. Members will include Tim Geithner, Gary Gensler, Tipper Gore, Gordon Gekko and the South African Young Men’s Vuvuzela Choir. The first-time homebuyer tax credit will now be permanent, and redeemable in Chinese yuan. The new “consumer watchdog” agency actually consists of only one man: a juicehead named Tony with a bulldog tattoo. Tense last-minute negotiations led to the “Jersey Shore Compromise,” which gives the CFTC oversight over pickle futures and hair gel options, but not spit swaps. Due to an unfortunate typo, the Office of Financial Literacy is now the Office of Financial Liberace. Its focus will include credit education, retirement planning and sequins. Over-the-counter swaps must now go through Publishers Clearing House. No word yet on whether you are already a winner. The financial reform isn’t perfect, of course. As critics have often pointed out, the new regulations do not address the government’s role in the crisis, and do nothing to fix the still-troubled Freddie Mae or Fannie Mac. But the law does tighten restrictions on the biggest contributors to the 2008 credit crisis: the student loan industry, Congolese miners and that FreeCreditReport.com guy. So readers can rest assured that the new regulations will protect all of us from another financial crisis—or at least a lack of pickles.