Jonathan Ratner, National Post
Friday, Dec. 23, 2011
It’s been another tough year for investors, the global economy and financial markets as a whole. So it’s safe to say we could all use a laugh or two. Here is our annual compilation of some of the best jokes of 2011, a few classics and some amusing videos. Enjoy!
A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese go into a bar and order a drink. Who picks up the bill?
A German.
OFFICIAL SCHEDULE FOR EUROZONE SUMMIT
19:15 Working session of the European Council
20:00 Working dinner
22:00 Bilateral meetings/Eurozone only session
22:15 Press Conference
22:20 Silvio Berlusconi heads off to the nightclub, drinks on him. Angela Merkel declines because she wants to, Nicolas Sarkozy because he has to, and George Papandreou because he can’t afford the taxi back.
BEAR: What your trading account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your cab driver gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Groupon.
In New York, the Occupy Wall Street people blocked 3 subway stations today. Take that, all you fat cats who ride the subway all day. You’re next, people who use the internet at the public library. – Craig Ferguson
Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, ‘Will you occupy my parents’ basement with me until I get a job?’ – Conan O’Brien
Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. Yeah, in a related story, everyone’s head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded. – Conan O’Brien
The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They’re calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo. – Jay Leno
President Obama just went to the G20 summit to give Europe advice on its debt crisis. Wait, Europe’s getting economic advice from Obama? That’s like J.Lo getting marriage advice from Kim Kardashian. – Jimmy Fallon
The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we’re still the fattest, so that’s good. – Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman’s “Top Ten Supercommittee Excuses”
10. ‘Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee’
9. ‘Got distracted by Congress’ new ‘Donkey Kong’ machine’
8. ‘Wasted time trying on each other’s hairpieces’
7. ‘When your options are to solve the national debt crisis or see the new ‘Twilight’ movie, you see the new ‘Twilight’ movie’
6. ‘Quit early to get in line for the Black Friday sale at Annie Sez’
5. ‘It’s the curse of the chupacabra’
4. ‘We’re assembling a special committee to come up with excuses’
3. ‘It’s Robert Wagner’s fault’
2. ‘Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done’
1. ‘President Santorum will figure it out’
I’m not saying that the customer service in my stock brokerage office is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance … She leaned over and pushed me.
A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Why did Greece fail to get the latest installment of EU/IMF aid?
Because no one in Greece works long enough to complete the application form.
What’s the capital of Greece?
About €3.
Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia ‘The Phantom Tollbooth,’ while Malia bought Barack ‘Economics for Dummies. That’s right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China’s credit card statement. – Jimmy Fallon
Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China. – David Letterman
Will we default on our debt, and will Canada let us crash on their couch for a while? – Stephen Colbert
I was sure that the Republican plan to fix the economy by defaulting on the national debt would work, but apparently it didn’t. The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary because experts say 9.5% is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann. – Bill Maher
What economic model correctly forecasts the outlook for the European economy: A double-dip recession, a V-shaped recovery, or something else?
The bathtub. A steep decline, then a period of stagnation, then it goes down the drain.
You know you’ve gone to the wrong stockbroker when you ask him to buy shares in IBM and he asks you the ticker.
The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The optimist sees the glass half full. The stock market day trader just adds whiskey.
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Greek village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.
The American complimented the Greek on the quality of his fish and asked, “How long does it take to catch them?” The Greek replied: “Only a little while.”
The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Greek said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Greek fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play cards with my friends, I have a full and busy life.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Athens, then London and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Greek fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?” To which the American replied, “15-25 years.”
“But what then?” The American laughed and said that’s the best part. “When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions … Then what?” The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play cards with your friends.” |
