:-)
Government Bails Out Postal Service By Banning All Forms of Communication
Government Bails Out Postal Service By Banning All Forms of Communication
9/17/2011
pardonthepundit.com
Coyle - As the United States Postal Service faced the possible threat of default at the end of this month, President Obama ordered an emergency session of Congress today in order to quickly pass new legislation that would ban all forms of communication other than written letters.
In a momentous speech in front of a special joint session of Congress, President Obama argued that no more time could be wasted in the attempt to save one of the seven hundred most beloved institutions in the country.
"If the post office goes bankrupt," said Obama in the middle of his speech, "where will the American people go to needlessly stand in line while workers are out taking a three hour lunch break? Sure, we have State departments of motor vehicles, but most people only go there once or twice a year. I think we can do better than that."
The new law would ban, among other things, text messaging, e-mail, telephones, faxes, bicycle courier services, and all forms of telepathy. Top government officials argued that this was the only way to ensure a level playing field for the postal service, which could not be expected to compete fairly with these other forms of communication.
"Clearly, our current troubles can be directly attributable to the unfair practices of companies using these job-destroying communication mediums," said Patrick Donahoe, the current Postmaster General of the United States. "It is only fair that we employ the means necessary to protect ourselves from these predatory competitors."
As part of the legislation, the Department of Justice has been granted special authority to prosecute those companies most responsible for bringing these anti-competitive forms of communication to market. Lawsuits have already been filed against more than four-dozen of the largest companies in the country, including shipping giant FedEx, telephone company Verizon, social media website Facebook, telegram provider Western Union, and the Cherokee Nation, currently the number one supplier of smoke signals in the United States.
As of now, personal conversations will still be allowed under the new law, although special written permission must be granted for any group larger than three people. However, children will no longer be allowed to pass messages during class without a stamp affixed to the note.
Although the legislation passed without much difficulty, there were some in Congress who were upset at what they considered a bailout of the postal service.
"This is an outrage that the American people have been forced to bailout this inefficient industry," said Senator John McCain during a television interview. "Who does the postal service think they are, Goldman Sachs?" Coyle - As the United States Postal Service faced the possible threat of default at the end of this month, President Obama ordered an emergency session of Congress today in order to quickly pass new legislation that would ban all forms of communication other than written letters.
In a momentous speech in front of a special joint session of Congress, President Obama argued that no more time could be wasted in the attempt to save one of the seven hundred most beloved institutions in the country.
"If the post office goes bankrupt," said Obama in the middle of his speech, "where will the American people go to needlessly stand in line while workers are out taking a three hour lunch break? Sure, we have State departments of motor vehicles, but most people only go there once or twice a year. I think we can do better than that."
The new law would ban, among other things, text messaging, e-mail, telephones, faxes, bicycle courier services, and all forms of telepathy. Top government officials argued that this was the only way to ensure a level playing field for the postal service, which could not be expected to compete fairly with these other forms of communication.
"Clearly, our current troubles can be directly attributable to the unfair practices of companies using these job-destroying communication mediums," said Patrick Donahoe, the current Postmaster General of the United States. "It is only fair that we employ the means necessary to protect ourselves from these predatory competitors."
As part of the legislation, the Department of Justice has been granted special authority to prosecute those companies most responsible for bringing these anti-competitive forms of communication to market. Lawsuits have already been filed against more than four-dozen of the largest companies in the country, including shipping giant FedEx, telephone company Verizon, social media website Facebook, telegram provider Western Union, and the Cherokee Nation, currently the number one supplier of smoke signals in the United States.
As of now, personal conversations will still be allowed under the new law, although special written permission must be granted for any group larger than three people. However, children will no longer be allowed to pass messages during class without a stamp affixed to the note.
Although the legislation passed without much difficulty, there were some in Congress who were upset at what they considered a bailout of the postal service.
"This is an outrage that the American people have been forced to bailout this inefficient industry," said Senator John McCain during a television interview. "Who does the postal service think they are, Goldman Sachs?" |
