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To: Solon who wrote (26644)	6/2/2012 11:53:11 PM
From: average joe	2 Recommendations Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 69300

Perversions of Creation Science! How the Biblical quest to find angel DNA in humans led one Creation Scientist into the heart of madness. Freehold, Iowa - There is a growing concern in the Creation Science community in regard to the accountability of our colleagues. Some, who receive federal grants to conduct Creation Science experiments and research from their secluded laboratories, are getting unacceptable results. When these well-intentioned doctors work without any supervision other than the company of an invisible bird we call, the Holy Spirit and pair of protective goggles, oftentimes their experiments in rational Bible-based science produce dangerous and catastrophic consequences (as seen in the picture on your right). On a recent visit to the Greenbaulm Creation Science Laboratory, located in the remote mountainous lake region of the Saskatchewan Territory, Chairman of the Landover Baptist Center for Creation Research, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, made a startling discovery. "I was asked by Pastor Deacon Fred to pay a visit to Dr. Harold Greenbalm, who happened to be a colleague of mine from Bob Jones University (Biblical Biology Department)," said Edwards. "He hadn't been heard from in over two-years. The last anyone could remember was that he received a small grant from the Southern Baptist Convention, in addition to tax-payers dollars to conduct controversial Creation research at a secure location somewhere in godless Canada. It wasn't until Pastor Deacon Fred received a distressing call in the early morning hours from a very drunk telephone evangelist, Dr. J.R. Grooms, that Dr. Greenbalm's location was ultimately revealed." Within days, Dr. Edwards arrived at the remote Pine House Lake by chartered amphibious aircraft. The Greenbaulm Creation Science Laboratory was located in what used to be the Central Canadian Mental Asylum for the Incurably Insane. The asylum was abandoned in 1902 in the sad recognition that there weren't enough bricks to build asylums to house all the crazies in Canada, but it's halls still echoed with ghastly reminders of the atrocities committed there. The shaded rooms still rung with the blood-curdling voices of long-since-dead patients muttering out unspeakable blasphemies. Dr. Edwards was never one to be shocked by Scripture, but when he read the Bible verse splashed against the entrance hall in human blood it sent a powerful shiver down his spine to the nape of his buttocks, causing his anus to impulsively expand and contract like the lips of a little red fish out of water desperately gasping for life. "The sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose. There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown." - Genesis 6: 2,4 Edwards knew right away what Dr. Greenbaulm was up to. "I thought it was just a phase that had passed when Harold finally graduated Bob Jones University," said Dr. Edwards. "I remember he nearly blew up the Creation Science Lab in the Billy Sunday building, and how several of our female classmates were hospitalized with first degree burns around their private areas while he conducted experiments on burning bushes. It was his dream to prove those things could talk. Liberals used to joke that he was a Mad Creation Scientist." Apparently Dr. Greenbaulm's passion for using experiments in Creation Science to gather physical evidence to support the most difficult verses in the Bible had turned diabolical when left unchecked over the years. Edwards found that the doctor was conducting experiments on human subjects, trying to extract the remnants of Angel DNA from their shoulder bones with nothing more than a hack saw and a pair of tweezers. The entire complex was littered with human corpses. Edwards immediately phoned the Landover Baptist Police Department, which arrived the next day and flew Dr. Greenbaulm in restraints to Freehold, Iowa. In Freehold, the cradle of American Bible-based thinking, his misdirected genius could be better served by using state of the art equipment and the guidance and Godly accountability of Dr. Edwards and his staff of qualified Creation Scientists. The Landover Baptist Center for Creation Research reports that under their supervision, Dr. Greenbaulm's experiments on unsaved human subjects (most of which are comprised of local Native American Injuns whose cooperation is often secured with little more than a tin cup full of lighter fluid) have drastically reduced the patient fatality rates recorded when the Doctor was conducting his research in isolation. And since Injuns are irritants to most people they know, it is a very rare event indeed when anyone takes the trouble to file a missing persons report with intrusive authorities. Pastor Deacon Fred told the enthralled congregation during Sunday services: "Greenbaulm's important research will continue to receive funding here at Landover Baptist and through through the dollars of hard-working U.S. taxpayers until we can find or create physical proof that giants with the Lord's DNA are buried all over this planet. Otherwise, the Bible is nothing but a collection of crazy stories – and we know that just is not so. Especially after Walter Jenkins showed last year that a human could live inside a whale for three days. Unfortunately, he stayed in there for three days and eleven minutes and was dead when we pulled him out. Now, a lot of folks think that Jesus was the only Son of God. But Genesis teaches us that the Lord had a lot of prototype Sons of God running around the world at one time. Scripture tells us that they impregnated attractive little human ladies, who underwent the excruciating pain of delivering giants from their enormously extended wombs.* Friends, if we can find proof that Genesis Chapter 6 is literally true, I want to be the very first to wag those enormous giant bones in the smug little faces of misguided liberal scientists who think the Bible is nothing more than a load of Mother Goose hooey. What a glorious day that will be! Praise God. And with your generous contribution, it will all be possible. Glory!" *Landover Baptist is not from the school of thought that giants who were born to women who mated with angels were actually the "dinosaurs." This theory was made popular in the late 19th Century by the Methodists. We believe that a woman's uterus, no matter how flexible, could never accommodate the size of a Brontosaurus.

To: Solon who wrote (26644)	6/2/2012 11:54:36 PM
From: average joe	1 Recommendation Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 69300

Donkeys Can Talk, People Can Fly, And A Man Named Jesus Lives Up In The Sky! (Creation Science For Teens) -by Pastor Deacon Fred List Price: $14.95 Our Price: $57.99 You Save: Nothing. (Only Jesus Saves!) Availability: Usually ships within 24 hours (if Jesus wants it to) from Landover Baptist Church in Freehold, Iowa: Summary: Donkeys Can Talk and People Can Fly - Creation Science for Teens is a Bible based textbook designed to reclaim America's children from the corrupting influence of today's culture. Religious leaders around the country believe it will replace most high school science textbooks in the next four years. The book opens up with an unforgettable Bible truth in the form of a poem: "Donkeys Can Talk, People Can Fly and There's a God-Man Named Jesus Who Lives In The Sky - Science and Math are all made up lies, by a giant old demon with a tail and red eyes." These words describe in beautiful simplicity the glorious True Christian principles upon which the United States of America was founded. Donkeys Can Talk and People Can Fly is a wonderfully animated approach to the Bible. Secular children will be introduced to timeless True Christian beliefs that come directly out of the Scriptures and not from the hallucinations of some boat-riding, bird-watching, monkey-loving, lizard-humping, 19th-century liberal! Teens will enjoy hearing stories about angels, "the flying people with wings," and demons, "naked red-skinned creatures with razor sharp teeth and horns sticking out of their sweaty heads." What a great book to have in secular schools! Kids will finally learn the truth about Creation- "how a giant old man with a long beard just snapped his fingers and everything just poofed into existence." Parents will be overjoyed to find that their children will no longer be exposed to the fantasies and supposed truths that public schools have been teaching them for the last 30 years. They will learn that some bodies do not decay after death, but remain intact and never rot so that when God finally decides to invade Earth, they will all come back to life and become "flying people" who zoom up to the clouds to join Jesus' army of angels on jet-propelled horses!" Solid Gold Hardcover 1st Edition (November 2001) Christian Children Books; ISBN: 09245699 ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.75 x 10.03 x 10.02 baptizon.com Sales Rank: 10 Avg. Customer Rating: Number of Reviews: 4 God Fearing Fundamentalist Baptist Customers who bought this book also bought: The Holy Bible by God. TAMPONS: Satan's Little Cotton Fingers by Sister Taffy Crockett Surfin' The Net With Jesus! by Judy O'Christian Levi: The Dancing Cockroach (Introducing Jewishism To Youngsters) by Gloria Steinhunt Christ-Related Auctions, Jesus Shop sellers and our other Christian stores recommend: Women Probably Don't Have Souls, Edited by Pastor Deacon Fred and Brother Harry Hardwick, (Current bid: $219.00) Solid Gold Calf (Price: $118,125.00) Editorial Reviews *Synopsis* This book is a wonderful introduction to "Creation Science." Children will learn that people once lived to be 900 years old, that donkeys and snakes can talk, that the earth has four corners, that bats are really birds, that man is made of mud, that the first woman was made from a rib bone, that the world was made in 6 days, that God drowned everyone on earth one time because fallen angels were having sex with humans and creating dinosaurs, and much, much more! *Dr. Jerry Falwell, Thomas Road Baptist Church-* , March 2, 2000 Pastor's Review: Donkeys Can Talk, People Can Fly, And A Man Named Jesus Lives Up In The Sky "We have foolishly let public schools teach their godless philosophy for more than 30 years - and we are beginning to pay a fearful price for our folly," *The Author, Pastor Deacon Fred-* , February 9, 2000 Author's Review: Donkeys Can Talk, People Can Fly, And A Man Named Jesus Lives Up In The Sky "If children would be reading factual books like 'Donkey's Can Talk and People Can Fly,' (Landover Baptist Press) and 'Jesus Had Short Hair' (by Dr. Jack Hyles) instead of ridiculous secular fairy tales about 'science' and 'liberal arts,' we wouldn't be in the position we are today, having to deprogram our children when they come home from public school every day. This Godly book should be held high as a shield against a cultural system that has been carefully and deceptively developed by Satan and his invisible army of hoofed satyrs!" Customer Reviews of the Day ( what's this?) Write an online review and share your thoughts with other shoppers! 251 of 250,811 people found the following review helpful: Hogwash! , October 8, 2000 Reviewer: Mrs. Alvin Pecklemeyer from Kansas City MO, NY The Bible is full of made up stories about people flying and donkeys and snakes talking. See Numbers Chapter 22-23. I can't believe that in this day in age we have people trying to brainwash children into believing these fantasies! And trying to pass off science as a fantasy? What's next? Are we going to say that Moses never changed his shoes for 40 years? The only jack ass that can talk is Pastor Deacon Fred. Was this review helpful to you? 517,221 of 517,222 people found the following review helpful: Required Reading For Christian Children!, October 21, 2000 Reviewer: Mrs. (Suzzanna Beth) Billy Ray Simpkins from Freehold, Iowa. We homeschool are children and my youngins near praised Jesus for the whole night when they done red this story and I mean to tell you they was so full of joy, they wanted to go out onto the roof and play angel! We is sick of them schools teachin' kids science. I pray to Jesus that this book replaces all of them made up stories about biologenes and nature real soon! Was this review helpful to you?