Santa Claus, internationally beloved icon of the Christmas season, is in intensive care at a local hospital, in critical condition. The only information that we have on this tragedy comes from the Department of Homeland Security, who have cordoned off the scene, even barring state and local police. According to an official DHS statement, Santa was blown out of the sky, with his sled and eight tiny reindeer, by an angry member of an ultra-radical TEA Party group
n an unusually timely move, President Obama has already made an official statement on the shooting. The President said that BATFE agents believe that the shooter, is a member of a militia group that is closely tied to the TEA Party movement. In response to questions, he denied that the suspect was actually just an illiterate Lutheran, Black Hills farmer named "Bubba", who lives on a remote farm and takes care of his grandmother. When asked if Bubba was a terrorist, his elderly grandmother assured our reporters that Bubba didn't even own a towel, let alone wear one on his head.
Even so, the BATFE and the Obama Administration cling to their assertion that Bubba is actually a TEA Party terrorist leader. The President said in a statement to the press, "It's this kind of TEA Party-induced hatred of everything good and decent, like Santa Clause and Obamacare, that we have to have more power to arrest and detain these intolerant people, without a warrant, before there is another such tragedy." Many community and political leaders have made statements about the event. The Rev. Jeremiah Wright said, "The old fool never gave me anything but a lump of coal, so he got what he deserved." Newt Gingrich said that he thinks that the shooter should be granted Amnesty, so he wouldn't be separated from his family. John Boehner said that he was looking for a bi-partisan solution. Michelle Bachmann said that it wasn't a federal issue. And Ron Paul called a press conference, where he blamed America.
BATFE agents went on to tell us that, under provisions of the USA Patriot Act, they had received numerous Suspicious Activity Reports from Bubba's bank, for suspicious activities, ranging from joining subversive organizations, such as the National Rifle Association, the Gun Owners of America and the Republican Party, to small donations to other subversive organizations including Americans for Fair Taxation, Citizens Against Government Waste, several very dangerous TEA Party groups and a local property rights group. They now tell us, Bubba is holed up in a cabin in the mountains, threatening to shoot the remaining two reindeer if his manifesto is not published in the New York Times. There were initially four surviving reindeer, but agents tell us that Bubba discovered that Prancer and Comet were queer for each other and shot them both "for good measure."
When we asked the BATFE how Bubba expected anyone to publish his manifesto, since he was reportedly a functional illiterate, who signed his name with an "X", agents told us that Bubba had been recruited and trained by the TEA Party several years ago and they they taught him to read and write, using subversive materials like Atlas Shrugged, The Federalist Papers and the US Constitution and that he now only pretends to be illiterate. At this time the BATFE, along with SWAT teams from the FBI, DEA, FDA, IRS, EPA, EEOC, HUD, and the Surgeon General's office, have the cabin surrounded. Officials report that Bubba is accompanied by two other dangerous terrorists; his 4 year old son Elmer and his 6 year old daughter Francine. However, BATFE agents are reportedly taking their toll on Bubba's forces. Just shortly after noon today, before arrival of the other agencies, BATFE agents shot and killed two of Bubba's accomplices.
Bubba's common law wife and second cousin, 41 year old Doreen was shot 47 times as she charged authorities, while firing an automatic weapon. Unfortunately, Doreen's weapon now appears to be missing, but BATFE agents assure us that they will produce one, when the siege is over.
The local coroner initially reported that it was rather unusual that all of the exit wounds were in the front of Doreen's body, since BATFE agents claimed that she was charging them, when she was shot. However, follow-up attempts to contact the coroner for further comment revealed that Comanche Pass has no coroner. This is strange, since Google archives reveal a website for the Comanche Pass Coroner's Office and what we remember as the coroner's office, is now a trendy coffee house that nobody in Comanche Pass seems to remember. Also, it now seems that nobody knows where Doreen's body was taken. BATFE officials seem strangely unconcerned about the missing body or missing coroner. Also killed was Bubba's 5 year old son, Bubba, Jr., who BATFE agents say was heavily armed and perched in a sniper's blind in a nearby tree. BATFE agents deny charges that Bubba, Jr. was actually only playing a hand-held video game in a tree-house, at the time he was shot.
When asked if they could show reporters any of the evidence they had collected against Bubba, Chief BATFE agent in-charge, Joseph Mengela, III stated "That's not the way we work. After we bring this evil TEA Party terrorist down, we'll make sure that there's plenty of evidence for you to see." By a strange coincidence, several Comanche Pass residents reported seeing Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, on the morning of the shooting. In particular, they report that the Majority Leader was seen with a group of friends, buying ammo, at Luther's Hunting Supply. However, the office of the Majority Leader has denied that Senator Reid was even in the area, at the time.
A spokesman for Reid, said, "There is no way that Senator Reid could be responsible for the shooting of Santa Clause, since the Majority Leader is currently in Washington DC, meeting with President Obama, at the White House. The President personally confirmed that Reid was at the White House. However, when it was pointed out that Reid was seen on security footage boarding a plane in Rapid City, at the time of the supposed meeting, instead of answering the question, Obama accused the reporter of being a TEA Party plant and abruptly ended the interview.
Santa's Public Relations elf, Claude, told us that on-board sleigh telemetry indicates that, at the time of the shooting, Santa was more than 42 miles from Bubba's property and that the sleigh glided that distance, before crashing. Claude went on to explain that at the time Santa's sleigh was hit, he was flying over a hunting lease that records show was being leased by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. In an official statement President Obama's press secretary, Jay Carney said,
"The President is deeply saddened by this unprovoked attack on his dear friend, Santa Claus and vows that Bubba and all other TEA Party terrorists will soon be brought to justice. The President wants the public to know that if it were not for the extreme limitations of the 4th Amendment, we might have known about Bubba a long time ago. But, thanks to the USA Patriot Act and powers that President Obama is granting himself, he will soon have virtually unlimited access to every American's personal information. So that pesky 4th Amendment will soon cause us no more problems and we will be able to profile and eliminate such citize... uh... terrorists before they become a threat to the preside... uh... people of the United States and innocent icons like Santa Clause."
When asked if Bubba would be tried in state or federal court, Carney stated that, "Since Bubba has been classified as a terrorist, as soon as authorities have him in custody, he will be transported to the terrorist detention facility at Guantanamo, Cuba, where he will be interrogated and eventually face a military tribunal." In a press release issued early this afternoon, the North Pole announced that Christmas will be postponed indefinitely. In Santa's only statement to the press, before being wheeled into surgery, he exclaimed, "I hope that hack is a better Senator than he is a hunter!"
Watch for further news on this developing story. |
