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Gold/Mining/Energy : International Precious Metals (IPMCF) -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Chuca Marsh who wrote (29066)	12/7/1997 9:33:00 AM
From: Tim Hall	Respond to of 35569

reorganization rumor > Subject: Reorganization at the North Pole > Date: Friday, December 05, 1997 10:30 > > All, > > The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the > reindeer early retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern > about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions > at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality > that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution > business. > > Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's > market share and they could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of > the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the > purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved > productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business > School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible > loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne > environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and > received unfavorable press. > > I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be > disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. > Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak > that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance > abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull > his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's > helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be > under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global > challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more > competitive steps. > > Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in > the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: > > - The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be > the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, > providing considerable savings in maintenance. > > - The two turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost > effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be > condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. > > - The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the > French. > > - The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, > with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the > birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. > > - The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. > Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative > implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other > precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks > appear to be in order. > > - The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury, which can no longer be > afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per > goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese > will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel > will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good > one. > > - The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. > The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The > current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore > enhance their outplacement. > > - As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy > scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being > sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward > mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, > a-mentoring or a-mulching. > > - Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be > phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. > > - Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the > expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to > suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While > leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant > because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. > > - Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of > the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback > on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right > down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted > people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies > indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we > can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. > > Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion > to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is > pending. > > Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in > the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request > management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is > the right number. > > MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL ... >