THE REAL STORY OF Ferguson

It was a hotter than normal summer day in St Louis due to global warming. High school student Michael Brown was returning from an afternoon volunteering at the local dog rescue center (per CNN) or from reading to the blind (per MSNBC), on his way to his grandmother’s house. Michael was an honor student at Ferguson High School where he was a member of the glee club and president of SACC – Students Against Climate Change. He was looking forward to his upcoming freshman year at Cornell where he would be majoring in gender studies with a minor in sustainability.

Michael was a plus sized boy, metabolically challenged, hence his nickname “gentle giant,” according to his grandmother. She described him as being, “as gentle as a summer breeze blowing through a wind farm.”

He stopped by Ferguson Market and Liquor, where he works part time, donating a portion of his wages to the local homeless shelter. His boss was upset over a sudden increase in the cost of Brawny paper towels, which are produced by Georgia-Pacific, a subsidiary of the greedy Koch Brothers. Michael was planning on comforting his boss by bringing an apple pie, made with non-GMO apples.

Michael observed a customer purchasing cigarillos. Enraged over this support of big tobacco and the effects of secondhand smoke on Antarctic ice levels, Michael tried to dissuade the customer from making the purchase. When the customer, who was wearing an NRA t-shirt and camouflage pants, called him a thug, Michael, with the kindness and benevolence of a public school teacher, took the cigarillos from the customer and wished him a nice day.

Meanwhile, Ferguson police officer, Darren Wilson was leaving his weekly KKK luncheon where he enjoyed a high trans-fat meal served with extra salt, and heard an entertaining talk by luncheon guest speaker Karl Rove. Driving through Ferguson in his gas guzzling 8-cylinder police cruiser, listening to Rush Limbaugh on the radio and smoking an unfiltered Camel cigarette, he came across Michael Brown hustling to his grandmother’s house after his convenience store detour.

Michael was walking rather than driving that day. His Prius with the Coexist bumper sticker was in the shop getting a new climate friendly air filter installed. He would have taken the train, but the Ferguson light rail line was hijacked by a long procession of tanker cars shipping fracked oil from North Dakota to a Halliburton processing facility along the Gulf of Mexico.

Officer Darren Wilson was a recent addition to the Ferguson police force, originally from Alabama. His ethnicity is unclear. Wilson’s grandmother reportedly had high cheekbones, suggesting he is either part Cherokee Indian or a White Hispanic but with his blonde aryan crew cut, he still looked like a NASCAR poster child. ABC’s Brian Ross discovered a Darren Wilson in the Missouri Tea Party, but later withdrew his story when he learned the Tea Party member was a retired dentist from Kansas City.

Michael was walking along the highway with his long time friend Dorian Johnson. The two were deep in conversation about the effects of climate change on AIDS prevention efforts in Africa after listening to an NPR segment on the subject that morning. NPR along with a bowl of non-GMO granola and scrambled free-range eggs, was Michael’s morning routine before his daily sunrise yoga class.

Officer Wilson, seeing the two young African American boys walking along the road, channeled his inner Bull Connor and pulled up in front of them, sirens blaring and lights flashing. Officer Wilson flew out of the car, spilling his super-sized high fructose corn syrup drink all over his half eaten Chick-fil-A sandwich. As Michael stopped and told officer Wilson, “Peace be with you officer”, Dorian ran as fast as his Birkenstocks would carry him and hid behind a native tree. The officer exclaimed, “Someone that looks like you robbed a store once upon a time and needs to be taught a lesson.”

Officer Wilson was sweating profusely, much like he did during his college days as a lacrosse player at Duke. Michael gave the officer a big smile, showing off his beautiful teeth, which he brushed with organic nonflorinated toothpaste. “Officer you look like you’re having a bad day,” observed Michael, “How about I give you a big hug and a cup of decaffeinated herbal tea?” Michael raised his arms high ready to embrace the frazzled police officer.

Screaming racial epithets he once read on the Free Republic web site, Officer Wilson pulled out his AR-15 machine gun with its one thousand round clip and starting shooting Michael Brown. Michael fell face forward to the ground and Wilson continued to pump armor piercing bullets into Michael Brown’s back, emptying his Magpul high capacity magazine into the dying gentle giant.