President Trump: The First 100 Days We’ll Never See
August 9, 2015Matt Terzi Politics
Donald Trump will never, ever become President of these United States. It’s not going to happen. Even if you magically teleported into another dimension where a comet hits the Earth and wipes out all human life except for Trump and his supporters, he’d still never become president. The liberal in me is glad that Trump, with his racism and misogyny and bluntness and classlessness, will never walk into the Oval Office and flop that toupee of his around behind the Resolute Desk. But I’d be lying if I said the political satirist in me wasn’t a little bit hopeful that Trump might somehow manage to win. In the satire world, a Trump victory is a comedy victory, and his presidency would provide endless material. But that doesn’t have to stop us from wondering, does it? If Trump did manage to win, what would his first 100 days be like? Let’s step into the future, to January 20th of 2017, when President-Elect Donald Trump takes the stage in our nation’s capital to be inaugurated, and see how his Presidency is shaping up. You’re welcome, America!
Day 1: President Donald Trump is inaugurated as America’s 45th President. In his inauguration speech, Trump offends millions of women when he jokes that Hillary Clinton, whom he narrowly defeated in the general election in November of 2016, is “back in the kitchen where she belongs.” He refuses to shake hands with outgoing President Barack Obama, giving him the finger instead. and remarks during his speech that he’s “proud to finally be making the White House `white’ again.” Despite how controversial his comments are, his approval rating amongst conservatives spikes into the upper 90’s.
Day 2: Two construction workers are harmed in an accident on the White House lawn, while attempting to position a massive “TRUMP” sign onto the roof of the White House. Trump hold a press conference in which he calls their wives “fat slobs” and says he’s suing the workers for $1.6 million in damages to the White House grounds. “These two jerks were irresponsible and wasted taxpayer money destroying America’s second-most famous residential structure,” Trump explains, “following Trump Tower, of course.”
Day 5: Discussions with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto reportedly break down after President Trump insists that Mexico pay for a wall separating the two countries. When President Nieto asks why Mexico should carry the burden of the construction costs, Trump allegedly responds using a racially-insensitive accent while asking Nieto if he’s “going to mow the lawn where the fence is going up,” or if he’ll have others do it, prompting Nieto to hang up the phone.
Day 12: Trump signs an executive order demanding the immediate deportation of all illegal immigrants. One element of the order calls for Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers to set up sting operations at home improvement stores, looking for illegals, in a program Trump refers to as “The Home Deport Clause,” causing a Twitter feud with the Home Depot corporation. However, illegal immigrants manage to escape ICE agents safely, thanks largely to the large gold “TRUMP” caps President Trump orders all federal agents to wear.
Day 20: After several weeks of negotiations, Trump and Fox News sign a deal to create a new reality TV show called “Trump’s White House.” The show would see reality TV camera crews follow around Donald Trump during his daily operations. Secret Service Director Joseph P. Clancy is strongly opposed to the show’s filming, saying it would weaken the agency’s strategic planning, but Trump resists, saying the show will be “huge.” Clancy attempts to resign, but Trump rejects his resignation solely so he can fire him.
Day 36: Trump wins a big victory when Sarah Palin is finally confirmed as Secretary of the Interior. The former half-term Alaska Governor helps Trump rename several National Parks and monuments in his honor, including Trump Grand Canyon, Trump-Yellowstone National Park, and Mount Trump (formerly Mount Rainier). An executive order allows corporations to begin exploratory oil drilling in TANWR (Trump Arctic National Wildlife Refuge).
Days 58 – 61: America nearly comes to blows with Iran after President Trump finalizes the United States’ withdrawal from the Iran nuclear deal. Crippled financially due to the harshest economic sanctions ever placed against them, Iran is no longer able to contribute ground forces toward fighting ISIS. The terrorist faction invades Israel, causing tremendous regional turmoil and forcing the United States to commit nearly 200,000 troops to the conflict, kicking off a major ground war that will last well after Trump’s presidency ends, and into the second term of President Cory Booker’s presidency, which begins in 2021.
Day 77: Trump announces that February of 2018 will mark the nation’s first celebration of “Trump History Month.” Americans are enraged by Trump’s dismissal of Black History Month, but President Trump responds to his critics by releasing an apparent rap video as “Emcee Donald,” in which he explains how, in his opinion, he’s contributed more to America than black people have.
Day 83: Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas resigns from his post amid a scandalous sexual affair. Trump signs an Executive Order in which he attempts to give himself Thomas’ seat, but Congressional Republicans convince him to back down and confirm someone else to the Supreme Court.
Day 100: Citing what he calls “Obama’s irreversible debt,” Trump declares bankruptcy on behalf of the United States. The country’s credit rating plummets and the economy is pushed into the worst economic depression in America’s history. Trump himself avoids the economic downturn thanks largely to the casinos he owns, which profit greatly during times of economic duress. Trump’s approval rating is a mere 8% at the close of day 100, propped up entirely by his 93% approval rating amongst right-wing conservatives.
__________________ |
