Well, Alex, if you scatter your SEED lasciviously inside your Loving Spouse, a baby is just about what would be expected, right? One advantage of lovely 'Leah' is that she cannot become pregnant, in fact, but since I see you are taking impending parenthood seriously this morning, we will not discuss your obviously turned-on, raunchy extramarital fantasy play of just yesterday, when you rode this thread like a young, unattached buck or something!!!!!
Plan B, however, is very simple. You just carry your child around on your body, in an infant carrier, until she is too heavy to do that anymore (we are talking years, not months, here, but when the baby is tiny you carry her in front, and then switch her to your back later). The fact that in more 'primitive' societies children are in almost constant contact with their parents' bodies is said to prevent neurosis, at least in Christine's school of child development theory.
Other tactics which are healthy for the baby (no liquor in her water bottle, Alex!) include CD's of womb music when she is just born, infant swings (your child will either love or hate this--mine loved it), and when she gets older, vigorous outdoor play periods so that she takes LONG naps.
Play pens are not really recommended for excellent child development (although I used one for very brief periods of time when I was home alone, she was awake, and I couldn't watch her directly and put her there for safety reasons only, with plenty of toys). Walkers are downright dangerous, and should not be used at all. A trick most parents learn almost right away is the benefit of impromptu car rides when the baby is screaming and won't go to sleep--these work almost immediately, and if Loving Spouse rides along, you will get a few of those precious 'couple moments' that become quickly rare. You might even get a quick 'romantic dinner out' at a drive-thru!! Just carry a candle in your glove compartment, to create that special atmosphere anywhere.
My daughter got colic when she was about six weeks old, and spent a couple of weeks crying for several hours in the late afternoons. This was the most horrible time we spent, as nothing would make her stop crying, even though we walked her around our apartment endlessly. There is no feeling so helpless as not being able to soothe and help your baby. One thing I did not expect is how much the really little babies get sick. A temperature, or diarrhea, can quickly turn very serious, and they have no immunity against colds and flu, so you can expect to spend a lot more time at the pediatrician's office than most people could imagine prior to the blessed event.
But basically, aside from simple, timeworn measures like the ones above, there is no Plan B. You will spend several years just following her around, so she can explore without hurting herself, and then there will be a long lull where she is a really cool person and wonderful friend, until the teenage years, when she will be a toddler in the potentially lethal adult world, and your nights will once again be almost sleepless. You should start talking about how dangerous drugs, alcohol, reckless teenaged drivers and unprotected sex are just as soon as Barbie dolls lose their appeal, or perhaps even sooner.
Your entire world, and indeed the basic way you look at life, is about to change, Alex, in ways that are surely not yet even clear to you. I envy you!! The part of my life I spent with a baby and young child are the most magical parts, and you are lucky to be just starting that right now. |
