Eight times it might be healthier not to forgive
“Sometimes it’s more authentic and empowering to move on without forgiving,” says one psychologist and author.
(Illustration by Alina Spatz/The Washington Post)
By Susan Shapiro
July 29, 2024 at 7:00 a.m. EDT
There’s a “forgiveness industry” of books, coaches, TED Talks and services promoting radical exoneration from every angle. Yet after a decade researching the concept of forgiving for a book on the topic, I found that pardoning people too quickly can often be harmful and self-destructive. That’s especially true when it comes to trauma.
“People who don’t forgive are sometimes portrayed as cold, hardhearted or inflexible. But that’s pathologizing the person harmed versus the offender who caused the damage,” said Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist in Los Angeles and the author of the book “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People.” But “sometimes it’s more authentic and empowering to move on without forgiving.”
To be sure, holding a grudge over small slights can be self-defeating and unhealthy, but there are cases where turning the other cheek might be the wrong move. The following is a list of situations in which it’s better not to forgive and forget:
1. If prejudice is involved: Emillio Mesa, a San Francisco events planner, told me he was horrified by a homophobic story his mother relayed. He moved away, waiting years to come out to her, only reconnecting after she accepted him fully. Both of them made healthy decisions, one expert said.
“You never have to put yourself in a place where you’re unfairly persecuted for who you are,” said psychiatrist Carlos Saavedra. “In fact, self-protection and keeping the right boundaries are essential to your well-being.”
2. When you aren’t ready: After Kate Walter was dumped by her girlfriend of 26 years, Walter didn’t feel that her ex deserved forgiveness — she said the woman had reneged on long-term promises and refused to apologize. While Walter might decide to forgive her someday, the Manhattan teacher soothed her soul through yoga, meditation, New Age retreats, joining a different church and publishing a memoir about her hurt.
3. When “sorry” is insufficient: Despite treaties and formal statements, most victims of mass persecution can’t forgive their oppressors. Emanuel Mandel, a Holocaust survivor living in Maryland, noted to me that the Nazis who had slaughtered his relatives weren’t the ones who apologized for killing 6 million Jews. The reparations Germany offered, however, greatly helped Mandel’s family and he learned “to thrive out of spite.”
4. If there’s no regret or repairs: At 12, Kenan Trebincevic was exiled in 1993 during the Balkan War. He remained enraged that it ended in stalemate. By publicly rallying against the injustices he witnessed against Bosnian Muslims, Trebincevic, a physical therapist at Columbia University hospital, found peace as a spokesman for his people.
Something good came out of his anger. While promoting the book we co-wrote recounting his traumatic war experiences, he met the Sarajevo-born Mirela, now his wife and mother of his son, who has dual citizenship. By facing down his past, he found his future.
5. When conditions aren’t met: After the drunk driver who killed Gary Weinstein’s wife and two sons was jailed, Weinstein asked the court to take away the man’s driver’s license forever. The Michigan jeweler waited until a judge agreed before he publicly forgave the driver.
In her book “A Good Apology,” Boston psychologist Molly Howes says effective apologizing must acknowledge the offense, explain what happened, express remorse and offer reparations, and you can ask for — or demand — specific compensations or hold off until they’re satisfied.
6. If personal safety is compromised: When Sharisse Tracey was 16, her father raped her. Their Baptist counselor, she said, coerced her to forgive him to keep their family together. Her father then tried to do it again. Tracey stopped him, but he was not punished. He has since died. In her 40s, Tracey posthumously un-forgave him, which she found liberating.
“The pressure to forgive can lead some people to feel guilty or prematurely forgive,” Durvasula said. “We should not feel an obligation to forgive someone who has hijacked our souls and made it impossible to find peace.”
Durvasula herself keeps several people in her life at a distance. “I don’t forgive them because what they did changed my view of myself,” she said. “I spent years crawling out from under that rubble. I still struggle with self-doubt. My trust is diminished. They took away my safety in the world. How do you forgive that?”
7. When forgiving could endanger others: Former D.C. Police Sgt. Aquilino Gonell was almost killed in the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol. Because of the injuries he sustained, Gonell had to leave his job, but he continues to testify against Jan. 6 defendants. Instead of forgiving, Gonell says he fears further attacks if those charged in the attack are released too soon. (Gonell and I were co-authors of his memoir, “American Shield: The Immigrant Sergeant Who Defended Democracy.”)
8. Before you have all the information: “Something you don’t know might shed light on what happened,” said Vastal Thakkar, a psychiatrist in Connecticut. He shared an example: “A commuter was enraged when a woman in an SUV stopped abruptly to get something in the back seat, almost causing an accident. He didn’t know the driver’s infant was choking.”
Following her parents’ divorce, the only contact that a Texas student named Jackie Roberts had with her alcoholic mother was family calls. Her father would answer the phone and put her mother on speaker. If she was drunk, her father hung up. At first, Roberts believed her mom had deserted their family, with no remorse. But then her mom sent a Facebook message, asking if they could speak.
“I never got a chance to say I'm sorry,” she told her daughter. “My drinking got out of hand. I wish things could have been different. I love you. You can always call me.”
“I haven’t seen her in 10 years. But we talk on the phone now,” Roberts said. “When I call, if she slurs her words, I say 'I can’t talk to you when you’re drinking. I’ll call you tomorrow, Mom.’ And I do. It was a big deal for her to take responsibility and try to step up. It was healing my heart. Her apology opened a window. I totally forgave her. It’s kind of crazy how much an apology can do.”
Susan Shapiro is the author of the memoir “The Forgiveness Tour,” which comes out in paperback this week.
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